10.30.08 From the Viking
DV Wingman: Your Halloween Costume Determines Your Candy (page 1)
Written by Ian Coburn
Be sure to pick up a copy of Ian’s bestselling book God is a Woman: Dating Disasters. Find excerpts and Ian's other columns here.
Every little boy wants to be something cool for Halloween—a vampire, Darth Vader, Indiana Jones… I wanted to be Snoopy. Are you done laughing? Good, because you might just learn a little something, which is, after all, why I’m here; to be your wingman. (But unlike a wingman out with you, there’s no chance I’ll cockblock and take the girl.)
What’s the point of Halloween when you’re a kid? To dress up cool and pretend? Hell no! You pretend everyday; it’s the only way you can cope with those ghastly adults and older siblings always bossing you around. Halloween is about getting candy; lots and lots of candy. My sisters and I always counted our candy after trick-or-treating and the next week at school was spent comparing your bounty to your friends’. My older sister always took in a lot more candy than anyone else and it was easy to see why: she wore a Snoopy costume my mom made. I kept waiting for her to grow breasts so it wouldn’t fit and I could wear it but she never did; she’s still flatter than Kansas. Couldn’t that chick do one thing for me? Finally, at fifteen her legs became too long for Snoopy and I took over. My candy booty immediately tripled and I toted more candy than any other nine-year-old. Why? Three to five-year-olds trick-or-treat early and then go home—their little legs all tired out—where they hand out candy to the older trick-or-treaters. And they love Snoopy. They just stand there, shoving handful after handful of candy into Snoopy’s container while hypnotically yelling, “Snoopy!” until their parents stop them.
As guys, we’re after a totally different candy but candy nonetheless, and nothing has changed—your costume determines your candy. A good costume should:
1) Take into account girls’ costumes. What do you think most girls will be wearing? Tie your costume into them.
2) Make you standout from the crowd. What do you think most guys will be? Don’t follow in suit.
3) Be a conversation piece. You want the ladies to know where you are and come to you.
4) Be flirtatious or sexual. Gears the conversation in the right direction.
5) Be comfortable. Discomfort messes with your mojo.
6) Allow easy access to your penis. Calm down, Skippy, this isn’t for the candy but for you. Few things suck more than having to take fifteen minutes before you can relieve yourself of those five beers you downed in one hour.
All right, given these tips, how can you come up with the right costume to get some candy? How can you put these steps to use? Sarah Palin will be a popular costume this year. You could dress as Obama or McCain but those could already be used and really, what kind of candy will they get? Bill Clinton is the best choice here; recognizable and easy to hit on the Palins—“You’re much hotter than my wife… I think you’re ready to be commander of my chief… I can help you gain that much needed experience.” Bill easily satisfies all the requirements. Or dress as Alaska and ask her if she misses home.
Any regular costume can fit these requirements with a little imagination. Instead of being a doctor, I’ve been “Dr. Malpractice;” got the uniform, a nametag that read “Dr. Malpractice,” rubber gloves with holes in several fingers, a rusty syringe, a wrapped condom (I asked women if they wanted me to take their temperature, then told them to bend over while pulling out the condom), and a stethoscope—women liked playing with it. I hooked up with a “flight attendant” one night and “Beauty” from Beauty & the Beast the next. One guy I saw was a proctologist who handed out funny business cards with his cell on it and had a blown-up calendar on his front and back, where people could sign up for appointments.
My best costume? Mork. Who? Mork; you know, from Mork & Mindy. It was easy. I was a broke junior in college, so I needed something cheap. I can impersonate Robin Williams and I had red sweats and a red sweatshirt. I simply cut a triangle from aluminum foil and taped it upside down. Everywhere I went, women wanted to be my Mindy and I won costume contests wearing absolute crap.
Use some imagination and, just like the three to five-year-olds, your legs will be all tired out from getting candy, too…
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Bonus: the ladies loved it. Humurous costumes are always a +++++++
Oscar might being going to Chico which used to be notorious for their Halloweens. But "The Man" has been keeping it from being Mardi Gras 2 for a long time now.
Damn the man! They showed up @ our blow out.
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