Why Women Love Spider-Man

1.  He swings through the air on nigh-unbreakable strings of awesome. 

All women that aren’t lesbian bull-dykes have the desire to be thrown over a shoulder, carried, tossed, swung, cradled, and thrown about.  That’s pretty much how Spider-Man would take you out.  Girls love to scream for no reason, and when better to scream for no reason then when you’re being tossed a hundred yards at a time through the air by a masked man with the powers of a spider? 

2.  He’s safe, but he also makes a woman feel dangerous. 

Women love a man that’ll take care of them, but if they feel too safe, they get bored.  Women feel the need to be in danger sometimes, but rather than just acknowledging the danger of driving 100mph the wrong way down a one-way street while talking on a cell phone, they prefer to date jerks that’ll probably cheat on them.  But Spider-Man is the perfect solution to the danger equation.  She’s dating Spider-Man… she could be kidnapped at any time and held for ransom by The Green Goblin.  That’s about as dangerous as you can get… I mean, look at Gwen Stacy. 

But most of the time, he saves the girl. Most of the time, if she gets thrown off a bridge, he’ll arrive in time to swoop in and save the woman’s dumb ass AND have time to save a trolley full of nuns and school children. And he’s a superhero, so if he cheats on her, some paparazzi will find out and JJJ will make sure that everyone knows.

3.  He’s got that hot athletic build, instead of the big huge muscle-bound look. 

Women are whores for muscles.  They like them any way they can get them.  But it is practically a scientifically proven fact that they love the lean build of an Abercrombie model rather than the huge bulk of Mr. Universe.  When was the last time you heard of a girl creaming herself over Stone Cold Steve Austin instead of the lean, flexible body of Orlando Bloom?  I’m not going to wiki-link that article because if you don’t know who Orlando Bloom is you obviously haven’t been hitting on enough 15 year old girls lately.  I’m sorry, steroid users, but you’ve lost.  Maybe you should comfort yourself with a warm cup of your tiny testicles.

4. The upside down kiss. 

Sometimes kissing right-side-up isn’t enough for a woman.  Sometimes you need to hang upside down and lock lips.  It helps if you wear a mask and are suspended by your super-human strength and your web-shooters, but the principle is the same. Also, if you’re going to attempt this, you should be able to break off the kiss quickly and swing away dramatically, as kissing upside down is actually not all that much fun and a lot of work.  You need to be able to dash off into the night before she realizes that the kiss wasn’t all that good and the dream dies. 

5.  He’s like a policeman, firefighter, soldier, and secret agent all rolled into one. 

Women love a man in uniform.  Women love a man who’s only sometimes in uniform even more.  Women love men who are sometimes in uniform and whose job it is to kick ass and save people and run into burning buildings.  Women also love secrets.  Spider-Man is all of this, plus he can lift a bus over his head, and he hangs out with Wolverine.  Yes, soldiers fight in the sand, and policemen fight criminals, and firefighters fight fires, but Spider-Man secretly fights a man made out of sand who is a criminal (and he was probably on fire or caused a fire at some point).  

Spider-Man is all these things, plus he’s a nice guy.  I mean, you’d think fighting crime for free, having your loved ones tossed off tall buildings every week, and having the public hate you (aside from the women) would kind of wear on a guy, but Spider-Man persists.  He’s pretty spectacular that way.  He’s got enough going for him that women don’t even care that he’s poor as dirt.  He doesn’t even own a car, unless you count the Amazing Spider Car.

So, now you know the answer to why women love Spider-Man.  However, don’t be too ambitious and start letting radioactive spiders bite you, as you’re more likely to get cancer and die than receive strength proportional to a spider.  Also, the cool organic webbing (and come on, you’re not smart enough to program a VCR clock, much less make a web-shooter in your spare time on the budget available to you as the assistant manager at Kinko’s)  probably won’t show up somewhere as convenient as your wrist, it would probably (as many online webcomics have mentioned before) shoot out your ass.  However, that would make swinging from building to building a hell of a lot more impressive.