Who Will Coach Michigan?

Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez 

Freshman Hazing would take on a whole new meaning in Ann Arbor with Captain Hazelwood at the helm.  Not only would he participate in all the alcohol-fueled hi-jinx, he'd also destroy the campus with millions of gallons of crude oil.  Fortunately for Hazelwood, he likely wouldn't take the brunt of the punishment for the team's woes -- he'd sleep through it.

General George Armstrong Custer 

If there was ever another man who knew how to lead his men into an unexpected slaughter, it was this U.S. Cavalry General who led his men to their doom at the "Battle" of Little Big Horn.  Like Lloyd Carr, Custer thought he had his opponent severely outmanned and outgunned.  Also like Lloyd Carr, his mistake meant the end of a long and illustrious career.  Unlike Lloyd Carr, he was scalped for his error.

Mike Brown, Former FEMA Head

Few have overseen more visible and large scale disasters than Mike "Brownie" Brown's inaction after Hurricane Katrina.  Brown's negligence made him a role model for any future disaster mismanagement, and surely his leadership in this field will be forever emulated.  This is what qualifies him to coach Michigan:  the knowledge that no matter how little he does to fix the situation, he'll still be doing a heckuva job. 

Mrs. O'Leary's Cow

For those not familiar with the legend, it's said that the Great Chicago Fire was touched off by a cow who kicked a lantern over.  The less publicized aspect of the Fire (apart from all the burning), is the fact that the utter destruction of Chicago -- at the time a wooden city -- brought experts, craftsmen and architects pouring in from the east coast to develop and build a modern metropolis out of the ashes.  And really, isn't that what Michigan football needs?  Someone to torch the whole project to create more fertile grounds for rebirth? 

Captain Max Pruss of the Hindenburg

When you think about it, the Hindenburg and this year's Michigan team had a lot in common:  both seemed like pretty good ideas on paper (hydrogen is lighter than air, Michigan had a high ranking) but looked ugly at first glance (Zeppelins are ridiculous looking machines, Michigan lost to Appalachian St. and Oregon) before actually starting to fly (the Hindenburg flew a number of successful voyages, Michigan won eight straight) and then finally crashing in a swirling ball of murderous flames (Michigan lost to Wisconsin and Ohio St., the Hindenburg crashed in a swirling ball of murderous flames).  So who better to pilot Michigan than the man who piloted the Hindenburg, Max Pruss?  I can't think of anybody -- or at least I can't think of anybody who wasn't also killed in an exploding Zeppelin.

Reactor 4, Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant

Now this would be a gutsy move.  Sure, appointing a cow as head coach would be controversial, but to my knowledge, no inanimate object has ever held a head coaching position at a NCAA Division 1 school (Little known fact:  a bucket of chalk dust once coached Division III Mount Union to a 10-2 record).  However, having single-handedly caused the greatest meltdown in history, Reactor 4 is almost overqualified for the job.  Actually, is Michigan looking for a new mascot, too?  That might be a better fit.

Charlie Weis

Charlie Weis is a perfect fit, because he is the only prospective coach who has real experience taking one of the most storied programs in the history of college football and converting it into giggles.  The once proud Fighting Irish will need an upset win to avoid becoming the first Notre Dame team to finish with two wins since 1963.  Weis -- who before this year's debacle was considered perhaps the most brilliant offensive mind in all of football -- might find more success in a program that still covertly allows its student athletes to get paid.