Who Should Justin Timberlake Date Next? A List...With Pictures!

Scarlett Johansen

Rumor has it you've already started hooking up with her anyways. She is definitely a hottie. She's got the face of a doll and titties of a stripper. She's also younger than you...good going there! No more older ladies, broheim. No. Well, unless they're fucking amazing hot.

Drawbacks: Her manly voice. Yes, a lot of guys say she sounds sultry. Those guys are gay. She has a man's voice, plain and simple. She sounds like my Uncle Leonard, who chain smoked and overate for thirty five years. Also...don't get me wrong, amazing looking now. But if you end up with her for the long haul, which you are wont to do, she could get pretty fat. You can kinda tell...she's got Bette Midler in her. So...be careful.

Christina Aguilera

Yes, she's married, but whatever. You make one booty call, and her marriage is done. She's so obsessed with Britney's career, still, that she'd leap at chance to be with her ex-boyfriend. Plus, she's pretty much your female equivalent when it comes to music, and deep down you're a music nerd, so that's pretty cool. She's also got a pretty ridiculous body. Not the best in the world, but pretty damn good.

Drawbacks: She's a midget. Her amazing body loses considerable points when you realize it's shrunken down to Leprechaun size. She sings too much, also. I'm sure she belts out some solo when she has an orgasm. That's gotta be annoying...and with her voice, I'm sure there's broken glass everywhere. Plus, she's "dirrty" and proud of it. Suggestion; if you do go for it, sneak some blood from her while she's sleeping and get some tests run. If she's clean, then you're good to go.

Jessica Alba

The elusive, Loch Ness Monster of hotties. She's hands down one of the hottest girls in the world. Perfect face, perfect body, perfection. I'm not really gonna say much more, dude.

Drawbacks: She's too friggin hot. It might really be a problem. All of her boyfriends have been unknown dudes...it's not that she's into losers. It's because if you're going out with Alba, your life is no longer about a career. It's about how you're going out with Alba. You'd stop thinking about cool new vocal harmony parts and crap like that and start pondering the complexities of her ass dimples. Dude, I'm just looking at pictures of her and I'm thinking about the complexities of her ass dimples for a couple hours a day. If you go out with her, your music career is done.

Adriana Lima

Another super, super hottie, almost at Alba levels, with a face and an ass you could just die for. Plus, dude...here's something you'll like...she's (supposedly) a virgin. If you devirginize her too, you're a beast, man. A friggin' beast.

Drawbacks: She's from Brazil and speaks horrible English. That would be cute for a couple months, then you wouldn't mind it for the next four months after that, cuz you'd be pounding the 2nd hottest chick in the world. But again, you're known for going the distance with chicks, and her lack of English might get aggravating as fuck. Also, if she's lying about being a virgin, which is damn sure likely since she's posed nude like 200 times and has gone out with Lenny "The P-Smasher" Kravitz, then that's just friggn' bitchy as hell. Who's going around spreading rumors about their virginity anymore? Dumbass.

Jessica Biel

Another hot Jessica. She's got a cuter version of Scarlet's voice, an amazing face and a dope ass.

Drawbacks: She's athletic. As. Fuck. You'll never be able to play sports with her, cuz she'll kick your ass. Which shouldn't be a problem, you're thinking, because you wouldn't be wanting to play sports with her to begin with. But she'll want to. All the time. And so, you're going to be embarrassed...all the time. And the paparazzi is gonna take pictures of you losing to a girl. And you're not gonna like it.

Rosario Dawson

Yeah, she's a bit older than you. But she's a dime, nonetheless. Tits for days, ass for weeks and DSL's that would make Pope Benedict weep. Plus, we know you likee the non-whites, what with your short term fling with Janet "Michael's Sister" Jackson.

Drawbacks: Her career is really going nowhere (she had the NON funny role in Clerks II, for god's sake) so be prepared for her to be using you to get some good roles. "Honey," you're probably gonna hear her coo, just after she's drank about a gallon of your baby juice. "You were wonderful!! You think...now...would be a good time...to talk to your agent?" Plus, she's Puerto Rican, so if you ever cheated on her, she'd snap your penis off.

Jenna Jameson

Another chick who is older...but wiser. Dude, if you want your "SexyBack," look no further. Jenna will have you cumming out your ears, with the insane tricks she does. She's recently single too, so the timings perfect. She does supposedly have a fling with UFC's Tito Ortiz, but that dude is so ditchable it's not even funny.

Drawbacks: The sex will be amazing, but you're gonna be able to smell other cocks on her breath when she comes in to kiss you. If you can deal with that, you've found a wife.

Jessica Simpson

The last of the hot Jessicas (if you don't count Jessica Tandy, that HOTTIE). Huge tits, sick body, amazing face. She's endearingly dumb. And someone else taught her how to fuck, but she's only been with a few other dudes, so she's probably clean (as long as Johnny Knoxville wore a condom).

Drawbacks: Her dad. That dude is a creep. He's gonna be over, videotaping you two having anal. I don't think you could deal--you're not a pussy, like Nick.

Padma Lakshmi

She's the world's hottest Indian chick, so I thought I'd throw her in. She's a super model, sexy as hell and HER voice is amazing.

Drawbacks: She's got a hideous scar on her arm that she's proud of. Plus, she's currently married to sixty-something obese author Salmon Rushdie. You'd definitely be able to get with her, but you'd keep picturing his sweaty hands all over her and probably get creeped out.

Rumer Willis

Dude...she's Demi Moore's hot daughter...and she's legal!

Drawbacks: She's Bruce Willis' daughter, too. He'd kill you for breathing on her.

Lindsay Lohan

She's a hot chick, what can I say? But mostly we want you to go out with her so you can beat the shit out of her for being the dumb cunt that she is. We've got faith in you, Justin. Smack her around a bit and she'll be serving coffee in a housecoat in no time.

Drawbacks: She might OD on you. That, or she'd send everyone in the press your email address. She also, from what I hear, has a firecrotch. Also, she hooked up with Bruce Wills...so watch out, he might try to defend her honor (see Rumor Willis, above).

My Sister

She's cool. Why not? Then I can hang out with you and go to your mansion and stuff. It'll be fun.

Drawbacks: I don't have a sister. I have a brother. But he's willing to wear a wig.