What Your Webmail Client Says About You

@Hotmail.com

You Are: An Aging Hipster

Once upon a time, Microsoft’s Hotmail was the Cadillac of web-based e-mail clients. Comparably streamed down and easy to use, it was the destination of choice for the savvy and well versed. Now, though, the red paint on that Cadillac’s faded a bit, and that soul patch ain’t quite the current accessory it once was. A refusal to change with the times is your trademark, and while Hotmail may now only be known for it’s slow load times, superfluous ads, and easy jokes at the expense of your sexuality, it still remembers the days when it was the coolest thing in town.

@AOL.com

You are: A Caveman

Considering, thanks to a series of highly influential car insurance commercials, the current national obsession with all things caveman (I like to call it “ultra-retro”), perhaps this isn’t the best metaphor. However, lets think about it – one day back in ’94, you got a CD in the mail. It said you could get (The) Internet™! Free for the first 98743 hours! So you logged on, figured out how to send an e-mail, maybe even a picture of a horse penis or two, and have refused to evolve past that point ever since. Your modem probably still sounds like a ferret getting neutered every time you log on. Like the Neanderthal, you are destined for digital extinction, and soon all that will be left is a phone line leading into your CPU and your collection of back issues of “Cat Fancy”.

<myname>@<myname.com>

You Are: A Douche-bag

If you have a domain name registered in your own name, and you are not some sort of public figure, you are a douche-bag. No metaphor here, just plain douche-bagginess. Double points if typing in <yourname.com> leads to a “404: Not Found”. Douche-bag.

@gmail.com

You Are: Al Gore

Just like Al Gore does know, Gmail users know they are better than you. Their houses are carbon neutral. Their cars run on solar power and cat farts. And their e-mail client has over 2,600 MB of space (and growing!) And did we mention the automated message grouping, advanced search strings, and integrated chat function? What? You’re still not using Gmail? Jesus. You might as well just light a baby polar bear on fire and laugh as the smoke from its burning corpse cuts away yet another swath of the ozone layer, you uncaring bastard.

@tmo.blackberry.com

You are: A Bad Father

Hey son, welcome home! Good to- *bzzt* Whoops, excuse me for one second; Daddy has to answer this real quick. No, it’s OK, keep talking; I can listen while I thumb type. Your friend Steve, huh? Getting married, you say? To who? *bzzt* No, it’s fine, I’m listening. To you? Won’t be illegal after one more procedure? *bzzt* Well, that’s just great. Look, Daddy just got sucked into a mean game of “Centipede” so he can’t talk right now. But here’s a blank check. No such thing as enough therapy, am I right? ‘Atta boy.

@Earthlink.com

You are: A dirty hippie.

Love, hugs, rainbows, and free wireless access for all, am I right? If you hail from an Earthlink address, you are most likely the kind of touchy-feely guy who like their ISPs founded by Scientologists named “Sky” after they just had the darndest time hooking their computer up to the Internet. (True story.) Just warms your Phish-loving heart, doesn’t it? Be warned, though – just like the hippies, the Earthlink user is a dying breed. So take a shower, buy a tie, and sign off of Xenu Online before it’s too late.

@aim.com

You are: A platypus.

Yes, it is technically possible to set up your mail so it comes through your AOL Instant Messenger program. Possible in the way it’s possible for a half duck, half beaver creature to exist, lay eggs, and scare the shit out of me when I’m ten years old. But, for the love of God, why? It just seems so damn ass backwards. Did you really start sending using an instant messaging program, and then say, “Hey, this Internet thing can do Electronic Mail, too!” I mean, I guess it’s not a completely impossible way to evolve into the digital world, but it sure is a weird one, you flat-tailed, duck-billed freak.

@Yahoo.com

You Are: A Guy Who Reads Way Too Much GQ

You are a man who knows what he wants. You want the shit you saw in that magazine.  Everyday, you see regular schmucks out there that apparently didn’t see things in magazines, doomed to walk around in their average, self-determined schmuck-ness. That’s why you use Yahoo. Doesn’t anybody else read magazines? That shit’s been consistently number one since they, like, built the Internet. Does it work? Good enough, I guess. But hey, who cares!  Personal style be damned. Only schmucks use things that aren’t #1.

@tmail.com

You Are: A Toddler

Shiny colors! Moving parts! Rhinestones! Both babies and owners of the T-Mobile Sidekick (and, vis-à-vis, the exclusive “tmail.com” domain name) love all that shit. Seriously, though – how proud are you to be carrying a device officially called the “Danger Hiptop?” If you’re a baby, I’m sure you’re fucking ecstatic. Otherwise, it might be time to re-evaluate, champ. Little Known Fact: The original slogan for the device’s ad campaign was “The T-Mobile Sidekick: So Easy, A Baby Can Use It.” Now, of course, it is “The T-Mobile Sidekick: So Easy, That Guy From Fallout Boy Can Use It To Take Pictures of his Penis.”

Surprised? Shocked? Re-evaluating your life-long commitment to the Lord? I should certainly hope so. Just remember – no matter what e-mail client you choose, there is no escape from the judgmental eyes of the Internet. So pick wisely – we’re watching you. Even while you masturbate to pictures of Zach Braff. (I mean, seriously? Come on!)