Ways Using Macs Can Improve Your Sex Life

#1 iTUNES = EASY TO MAKE BUMP AND GRIND PLAYLIST
itunes is built for Mac. Let's face this fact. And with accepting this fact, we've also gotta accept the fact that itunes is, yes, the best music program there is for the computer. It's sleek, it runs without a hitch. So, if you want a flawless blend of love making, ugly bumping muzak, you're gonna need to run that off a Mac. Surest road to blueballs? Winamp your Quiet Storm mix...the first sign of track skippage and she's turning from a slut into a tease.

#2 MACBOOK = SEX TAPE OUT THE BOX
The built in iSight camera in the MacBook is advertised as a Vlogging tool. That's cool if you're a 13-year-old. But if you're of legal age, that "vloggin" cam is perfect for recording your various exploits. And here's something you might not know...chicks like being on camera. They don't like other people seeing them naked...they don't like the shame and public embarrassment of having their naked ass plastered all over myexgirlfriend.com...but most chicks are vain and they love performing for the camera, man.  And once you're done and you kick the broad out, you can add her clip to your "exploits" reel...in iMovie.

#3 DASHBOARD HELPS YOU KEEP TRACK OF YOUR BEYOTCHES
Widgets can keep track of more than the weather, duder.  Store her name, her number and a list of her identifying features on your notepad widget. Start up a calendar widget marking down which girl you went out with on which day so you can evenly space out each date in 7 day intervals. And when you've found the right girl, turn her picture into a jigsaw puzzle. Dashboard makes all your dating needs available at the touch of F12.

#4  iCHAT VIDEO CONFERENCING - THAT'S HOW YOU TELL IF SHE'S A FATTY
If you're dipping your feet into the online dating pool, be careful. Her profile picture is definitely 3 years old and at least 25 pounds ago. Using your trusty isight-enabled Mac, you can find out what she REALLY looks like. Just invite her to a video iChat session. Then put on some music on your end and tell her you'd love to see her dance. That'll do the trick...there's no way you can hide a triple chin when you're doing the Rocaway (lean back, lean back).

#5 AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE BROAD
It's super easy to delete stuff on a Mac. Much easier than a wonky old uninstallin' PC. What are you deleting, you ask? Why--like the aforementioned sex tape, for instance, or maybe snapshots of you playing around with her "best friend," Mr. 9 1/2. When it's time to say goodbye, there's nothing like hearing those unruly files crinkle up in the Mac trash bin.

Let's face the facts--Macs suit a swinging, studly, SEX FILLED lifestyle much more than PCs do. Why they don't mention this in the ads is beyond me. Because you know that Mac twerp, despite how much of a bitch he is, is still wallowing knee deep in women, while Mr. PC happily uses his new found fame to get free sandwiches at Arby's. The tubby mcfatterstein.