Stop Trying: Crying In Front of Your Girlfriend

In essence, the myth that women want men to cry arises out of a misunderstanding of the word “sensitive.” When men hear that women prefer “sensitive” men, they wrongly interpret the word as meaning:

-Emotional

-In touch with one’s feminine side

-Ability to show one’s innermost sadness, happiness, or worry at any given moment

When in reality, “sensitive” really just means “sensitive when it comes to the wants and needs of one’s significant other.” In other words, know when  and how to listen to your girlfriend’s stories; know what she’s feeling without her having to say it; know how to tell her what she wants to hear, and mean it 100%. I’m not saying this degree of “sensitivity” is fair or even particularly attainable, but – whether they know it or not – many women desire these things, in some form or another, from their boyfriends. They don’t want their men to cry like goddamn babies in some theatrical attempt to impress them.

 

For the most part, women want men to be men. Not in a shallow, gung-ho, “I’m gonna kill stuff with my bare hands and then eat it and then slap my girlfriend around and have rough sex with her” kind of way, but in the sense of being a strong, independent, interesting person. Of course, “strong” can often and unfortunately be synonymous with “dickheaded” and “independent” can serve as another word for “unfaithful,” but the basic ideas are there: women want guys to act like men – men who can occasionally cuddle and plan romantic getaways. Crying, in and of itself, defeats the entire purpose of having a penis in the first place.

The Italians call it sprezzatura – the act of looking like a cool, chivalrous badass whilst not looking like you’re actually trying. So long as you remain a little bit arrogant, a little bit romantic, and somewhat emotionally reserved until the time calls for otherwise, you’re good as gravy; women may say they want you to break down and show all your emotions, but they really don’t.

Which, in essence, makes the problem of male weeping that much more difficult to deal with: women truly think they want to see us cry.

If there’s one thing people love, it’s something that they can’t have – especially when it comes to women wanting their men to cry. For decades and decades, the ideal male model of masculinity consisted of dignified stoicism, a la Harrison Ford, Humphrey Bogart, and every non-singing Western hero in cinematic history. For decades upon decades, male ideal was one of keeping things to oneself and always retaining a strong outer image – until the 90’s and 2000’s, anyway. For some reason or another (post-feminism, metrosexuality, the yearning for chivalry; take your pick), the ideal male began to shift toward a more feminine, more emotional, and, dare I say, more sensitive model. Having been denied the ability to see their men cry and express feelings for the greater part of the 20^th century, women began to call for more sensitivity and emotion in their men (thus leading to the absurd hiring of Ben Affleck for a L’Oreal campaign), leading to a completely irrational desire to see their boyfriends cry. Not unlike a Bodyworlds exhibit, the act of watching a man cry is the sort of thing women thought would be uniquely entertaining and enlightening, only to eventually feel awkward and depressed about ever having viewed it in the first place.

In the words of Dennis Miller:

“Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, ‘Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?’"

 

Crying makes men look absolutely pathetic. Human beings love seeing strength in others; to suddenly see all of that strength sapped away in a messy, histrionic fit of snot and tears is not only pointless and unattractive, but downright embarrassing. Really, when someone begins to cry, what can you do? Comfort them a little? Try really, really hard to cry with them, so you don’t feel as awkward? When a man cries, there’s really nothing the woman can do that doesn’t result in her feeling sorry for, and therefore superior to, him.

Certain types of women notwithstanding, most females don’t relish the idea of feeling stronger than their boyfriends, even if only for a few moments. When a man cries, it initially feels unusual (and therefore, uniquely satisfying), but quickly turns awkward, then pathetic, then downright irritating. Men can show sensitivity through a variety of ways without shedding a single tear: better to leave the act of male crying as some mysterious urban legend, on par with the New Jersey Devil and the Chupacabra.