Man Up Your Finances

Your Bank Account

What'd your bank give you for free last time you were there? A lollipop? A pocket calendar? LAME!

Wanna know what my bank gave me? Two pounds of free fish! That's because my "bank" isn't your typical Savings and Loan. It's a tackle-box I keep hidden out in the woods, near Crystal Lake. I've got my cash broken down into thousand dollar bills and each one's attached to a fish hook. Boo ya!

If you're not ready to go the tackle-box route just yet, first thing you need to do is check inside your pants to see if your balls are still there. Then, you gotta Man Up your Bank Account.

Head down to the bank and tell them you'd like to open a new linked savings account. Then ask to open another one. And another one. And another one. And so and so forth. Let's face it, you're not gonna get any sizable interest keeping your cash in one account any more. Your neighborhood money lenders and all the poop-munching idiots who defaulted on their homes have made sure of that. So why not be a huge pain in the ass and have a shit-ton of bank accounts all with nominal amounts of cash in them? What's manlier than being a huge douchebag pain the ass? That's what SHE said! What?!

Print Your Own Money

The dollar is weak, my friend. You know these are dire straights when Canada, America's toupee, has a stronger currency than us. So fuck it, ween yourself off the dollar and start spending the only money that's worth anything around here--your own!

Hell, things are so crappy you don't even need to get a counterfeit money machine. Just design your legal tender, hit up Kinkos, find some green paper and hit "COPY." The two coolest aspects of printing your own money are:

A) Choosing Your Own Design!

and

B) Setting Your Exchange Rate!

 

Get Some New Investments

Remember when you felt bad when you saw all those "coolguys" investing in stuff like Google, Apple and Bangbus.com? If you could only scrounge up a couple hundred bucks, a slice of the American pie could be yours -- your dream of owning 30 shares of a hardcore hidden-camera style pornography company could come true.

Well, aren't you glad you didn't fucking invest that cash and bought pizza, beer and Steve Urkel's actual suspenders instead? We congratulate you on being smart enough to spend most of your cash on frivolous purchases, but while investing in stocks right now would be as stupid as putting your dick on a stripper, there ARE other investments you could (and SHOULD) make.

There's a lot of talk about investing in gold right now. Historically, gold has proven to be a strong asset even during times of economic hardship. Only problem with gold is that it's flashy by nature, so it's easy to find and steal. Solution? Invest in Gold Weapons. We're talking golden swords, golden knives, golden guns, golden bullets, you name it. What kind of idiot would try to steal a golden sword out of your hands? You'd have his hands politely removed from his arms in no time.

Here's another awesome idea:  oil.  With the price of gas rising higher and higher, what better way to stash your cash than to sink it into a giant hole in your backyard, and then fill that hole with ultra-combustible gasoline?  Suddenly, an apocalyptic wasteland filled with spiked shoulder pads and caged death-matches is a best case scenario.  You would be god in that world.  And in a worst case scenario, your stockpile ignites and you're in orbit, man.  This is possibly the best and manliest idea anybody has ever had.  Oil is a finite resource, which means that, one way or another, it gets a little more scarce every day.  And you look a little more shrewd.  Relatedly, if you buy oil stocks instead of the oil itself, we can't be held responsible for your imminent death by drowning in our oil lagoon.

Don't have a backyard?  Well, save some of those tears for the post-apocalyptic future in which you become our slaves, because we've got another short-term investment plan for you that's sure to set the markets on fire:  dragons.  With British and Asian markets looking strong, one of the best things you can do is monopolize their folklore while simultaneously imbuing your home decor with a little bit of hellfire.  Replace all your home furnishings with dragons.  Pictures of your family should be pictures of dragons, for dragons will be your new family.  Your couch will be a dragon large enough to sit on; the less comfortable your dragon furniture is, the better.  After all, you don't want houseguests -- the only purpose they serve is to potentially either steal your dragons or damage them, thus limiting their value to your eventual Asian and/or British rulers, rulers who will be hypnotized by the power of your dragons.  Ultimately, this will all lead to you getting fiendish amounts of money from the ancient hordes of whichever empire takes over, for dragons have a hypnotic quality that neither culture can resist.  Didn't you learn this in school?

 

Rob a Bank 

Finally, a financial strategy that can give you the liquid assets you need today as well as the skill-set necessary for sustainable long-term growth.   Ultimately, there are only three things you need to rob a bank:

1. A van.
2. Something that isn't a gun but could be interpreted to be a gun when covered in fabric.
3. Through-the-roof guile.

If you're lacking in any of these three categories, wait until you aren't before proceeding.  Without any one of these key ingredients, even the most ingenious bank robbery will explode in your face like a van with a bomb in it.  Oh, and make sure your van doesn't have any bombs in it.

The van, preferably an all-white van, will allow you to anonymously disappear into the city amongst a sea of plumbers and cable repairmen.  The false gun will let the bank employees know that you mean business while the guile disarms their instinct to flee or notify the authorities, as -- man or woman -- they will be compelled to have sex with you instead.  Make them believe it's a possibility, and wink at them as you step out the door, out of their lives and into the van with a huge sack full of your future.  Congratulations:  you have successfully completed the process to Man Up Your Finances.