I HATE You: Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovah's Witnesses are like the protagonist in that Police song; every breath you take, every move you make they'll be watching you. Waiting at your door, stupidly attempting to look through the wrong end of your peep hole. They are a wily bunch who want one thing from you: to eat your BRAAAINNNN!!! I think. Maybe they want to convert you or something. I'm too busy too look that up.

Either way, Jehovah's Witnesses don't like to give up. But if you politely (but firmly) tell them to GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, they normally, after a couple visits, stop coming by.

This isn't the case with the J Dubs who have been coming around my house recently. The first time they came by, it was a Sunday, around 11 AM. Now, the mail always comes at 11 AM on the dot, so I was really confused... the mail man is working overtime or something? Sweeet! It's either the mail or a super hot sexy mail order bride someone got me for my birthday, I thought to myself.

Since I had my guard down, I opened the door ebulliently. I might've been whistling. "Hello?" I chimed.

The J Dubs got to work instantly, destroying my mood. "The end of times are near. Do you know all the signs?"

"Uh... hey. Sorry, I'm not interested."

"Sir, we are not selling anything. We are simply interested in saving your soul..."

"That's cool." SLAM!

Sure, I was rude. I was trying to be a supreme a hole so they'd never come back. Those fucking twats. But of COURSE they came back.

The next time they stopped by was a couple weeks later. It was like a Wednesday at noon. I work from home so I didn't deem it necessary to, you know, shower or, say, put on pants. I can write better when my boys can breathe a little bit... you know how it is.

So when the J Dubs rang the bell, I chose to not answer the door. I didn't even know it was the J Dubs, but I was working and depantsed and thus chose to ignore. "Ding Dong!" Ah, go away. "Ding, ding ding ding dingdingdingding.. dong!" Cot DAMNIT, go away!!

"Knock, knock knock."

"Hello?! Anyone there? Hello?"

My God! What if I wasn't there? Would they have been aimlessly knocking on my door for hours? Yeepers, J Dubs are creepy. But I needed that incessant knocking to stop. So I did what any forward thinking human being in this situation would've done--I slipped off my boxer shorts and answered the door in the buff.

"Why, hello there!" I said in an extremely gay way. "How can I help you guys?"

"The armageddon is coming, my son. Have you seen the signs?"

"Why no..." I said as I scratched myself right above my pubes. "I had NO idea!"

"Well, sir, may I ask what you were just doing?"

"Just now? Right then?"

"Yessir. Just now."

"I was in bed, of course. With a friend."

"Sir, we recommend you read some of our literature." They slipped their fucking "Awake!" magazine under my door and quickly walked away. Oh, you silly J Dubs.

I was excited... I think I've finally gotten rid of these assholes! They'll never bother me again! Yaaay!

I was wrong. The J Dubs visited me at least four more times over the next few months. Each time they tried to point out all the signs of the impending apocalypse ("Did you know the heathens in the band U2 have a film in three dimensions? This is a sign, covered in revelations, chapter three..."). It went on and on.

So I finally decided to arm myself WELL. If a genital display wouldn't stop the J Dubs, then I knew it was going to be tough. But when the freaks came back the next time, I was ready. Because this time, I actually went online and read up on everything I could about them. Huzzah.

"Ding dong." They were back. It was a Sunday afternoon again. Be cool, man. Don't freak out. Here we go.

I opened the door.

"Hello sir. Did you know the end of days is upon us?"

"I actually did. There have been signs since 1914, when our lord Jehovah signaled to us that his return was eminent."

"Oh, dear! Son, yes!"

"Soon we will be at the feet of the 144,000, worshiping at their congress. Oh, by the way, is today Sunday?"

"It is," they said.

"Ah. Hah. Funny. Today is my birthday. I always forget that. Since I am not one of the chosen Congregation, I never allow myself to celebrate my own birthday. You know what I mean?"

"Yes, yes." They said. "You've seen the light. Good day."

That was almost two months ago. Its so far been the longest interval of time EVER I've gone without having been visited by a J Dub. I discovered the secret, people... if you want J Dubs to stop coming to your house, just tell them you agree.

But, hey Jehovah's Witnesses... I fucking HATE you!