Baseball's New Curses

Philadelphia Phillies -- The Curse of Rocky II

The Phillies last won it all in 1980, just one year after Rocky Balboa became heavyweight champion of his fictional world.  As one of the largest metropolitan areas in the country -- a city with more resources to draw from than Boston, at least -- it's unreasonable to expect that such a drought could be based on luck alone.  No, it is far more logical to assume that this curse is because of Rocky.  Rocky was not supposed to beat Apollo Creed.  That's why he lost in the first Rocky.  Rocky is an inspirational tale of perseverance against all odds and the symbolic victory of gaining the respect of everyone around you.  It was never supposed to be about winning.  The Phillies in 1980, were thus blessed by unnatural inspiration when they won their first and only Series in 1980, their 98th year of existence.  The Phillies were not supposed to win.  They were only supposed to try really hard.  And now, unlike Rocky, they'll never win again.*

Milwaukee Brewers -- The Accursed Moustache of Rollie Fingers

In 1981, the Brewers acquired one of greatest moustaches of all-time, and the pitcher attached to it, Rollie Fingers, won the AL Cy Young Award and the MVP.  The following year, the Brewers made their one and only trip to the World Series, which they lost in seven games to the Cardinals.  My theory is that Fingers' Faustian bargain with his moustache included only the individual awards and a World Series appearance for the Brewers and that, since the Brewers took advantage of this evil deal, they have been marked for failure ever since.  It should be noted that Fingers did not make an appearance in this World Series, so the curse could also be taken as a punishment against them for not lobbying harder to get the World Series postponed until The Moustache was available to take the mound.  Still, take one look at that perfectly waxed and handsome moustache, and you can't help but recognize that, no matter what the ultimate price, it was all worth it.

San Francisco Giants -- The Curse of the Big Apple

The Giants won their last title in 1954.  They moved to San Francisco in 1957.  Now, they haven't been a completely futile franchise since that time -- they have won three NL pennants -- but during one of the three World Series' they played in, there was a fucking earthquake.  They were playing in the World Series, and god put a huge crack in their stadium.  If that's not a sign that you're not supposed to be playing baseball in San Francisco, I don't know what is.  Ten days after the earthquake, cross-bridge rivals the Oakland A's, who never previously had been housed in New York, completed their sweep of the Giants.  Maybe it's the LSD in the water supply, but it sure seems like the Giants should have stayed with their football counterparts.

Cleveland Indians -- The Inverse Curse

Sometimes, just coming too close to somebody who's been cursed is enough to absorb the curse yourself.  Such is the case with the Cleveland Indians, who in 1948 beat the Boston Red Sox in a one-game playoff to claim the pennant for themselves and face the Boston Braves in what was almost an all-Boston Series.  Had the Indians simply stepped aside and allowed the Sox break their own curse, perhaps they'd have had better luck in the past 60 years, particularly during their run of almost-ultimate-success in the mid-90s.  Instead, they beat both Boston teams, which only caused the curse of the Bambino to ferment and spread.  In a matter of years, the Braves left Boston for Milwaukee.  The Red Sox continued their blight for another 56 years, and Cleveland has still not won another World Series.

New York Yankees -- The Curse of the Grand Correction

If the other 29 teams in the league took turns winning the World Series, starting with the St. Louis Cardinals, who have the 2nd most World Series wins in history, it would take 436 seasons for the Cardinals to match the Yankees total of 26 World Series wins.  To put that in perspective, 436 years ago there were still Incas.  Well, there was an Inca, anyway, and he died that year (his name was Tupac Amaru -- sound familiar?), but think of the distance the Yankees have put on the rest of the league in those terms.  If the rest of the teams win proportionally from hear on out, and the Yankees don't win another World Series until then, we could be already be forgetting that French people ever existed by the time the Cardinals catch up.  And the Expos would still be around 300 years behind.

I don't know about you guys, but I believe in the Law of Gravity.  That which goes up must come down.  The Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000 despite maintaining the highest payroll in professional sports every year since then.  I'm taking that as a sign of things to come.  A Grand Correction, if you will.  It's time for the odds to even out.  The anomaly of the Yankees must end.

* I only disliked Rocky II.  Rocky III, IV and V are all mesmerizing.