50 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek (26-50)

 

 

 

 

26. The Creator is Alive.  You might consider this a low blow, but to me it's a legitimate point.  Star Trek can't be considered a whole entity anymore; it's basically a franchise whose rights go to today's highest bidder.  Roddenberry was the keystone to the realm of Star Trek, and with him gone, whoever currently owns the rights can take it in a totally inconsistent direction without any oversight from the founder.  This results in things like the series "Enterprise."  While George Lucas might not always be wise with the way he loans out Star Wars, at least there's someone in the middle of it all, someone who can be held accountable when things go catastrophically wrong.  And if you're a big enough fan to read this, accountability should be at least marginally important to you.

 

27. And He Has Some Serious Stones. You can say what you want about the prequel trilogy.  I have.  But whatever you say, at least acknowledge that it took resolve to take the most popular movie franchise in history and eliminate everything that made it popular.  That is: every main character, almost every familiar setting and even the overarching conflict from the original trilogy are irrelevant to the events of the prequels.  That could not have been a popular decision with his money people.  Even if the movies sort of sucked, Lucas was vindicated because as we've already established, Star Wars is money in the bank.  Besides, it's not as if the Star Trek movies haven't had some misfires (See also: Half of them; Odd numbers)

 

28. The Ways They Deal With Asteroid Fields.  In Star Trek, if an asteroid field is encountered, everyone starts speaking in hushed tones, the captain gives the order to slow way, way down, the shields go up, and they wait to see if they get clobbered while the pilot tries his best to steer through.  Generally, they get hit a couple times, but they survive, so you could say their caution pays off.  When an asteroid field needs traversing in Star Wars, there's no pussyfooting around.  It's full speed ahead with weapons blazing, because they're always either chasing someone, or they're being chased.  They'll even take it one step further and fly inside of an asteroid only to find out that they're really inside of a giant space slug, which is actually the dictionary definition of the word "jawsome" (look it up).  Essentially though, when you're watching a movie, the last thing you want to see is prudence in a chase sequence.  "Be gentle, Number Two.  We don't want to scratch the paint."

 

 

 

29. The Robots Look Like Robots.  There's nothing more terrifying than robots living among us, wearing our faces, eating our human food, driving our designed-for-human-drivers-only cars, reading our books and learning our ways for the great robot takeover.  That's why, on a personal level, I appreciate the fact that in Star Wars, the robots are clearly robots and could never be mistaken for human.  Data, on the other hand, is an evil interloper and must be stopped.

 

30. But They Can Speak Like People.  As long as he's around and messing with our minds, Data could at least learn how to speak in a way that sounds natural.  Every time he says, "do not" instead of "don't" I want to hammer punch his language circuits.  Even if C3PO has a fruity British accent, it's refreshing that he's not bound by some antiquated notion of a robot's inability to push two words together.  Let's set this straight once and for all:  if a robot can talk, a robot can form a contraction.

 

31. Or They Can Speak Like Robots Should.  R2D2 is the model for what robots who can't speak English should sound like:  a series of emotive beeps and whistles.  And, much like Chewbacca's relationship with Han, it matters little that R2 can't speak English, because Luke understands him perfectly.  Robots should either sound like robots, or they should sound like people.  This inbetweeny nonsense where they talk like robots trying to talk like people is unwelcome and generally distasteful.  As someone once said, "Do or do not, there is no try."

 

32. C3PO Is Not Gay.  I have seen him with lady robots.

 

 

 

33. You Can Dress Like Luke Skywalker Without Getting Your Ass Kicked.  If you're dressed like Luke Skywalker, and someone on the street gives you guff, just tell them that you're on your way home from a karate world-championship that you just won.  It will work, trust me.  Conversely, you can dress like Jean-Luc Picard and get beaten up after a lengthy argument over your womanly hips.

 

34. Introducing Kids to Star Wars Makes Them Love You.  This is a scientific fact.  If there is a child in your life with whom you're looking to bond, throw on the Star Wars movies.  They're an instant winner.  Alternately, introducing a child to Star Trek is exactly the same as introducing a child to the reason you're so very lonely.

 

 

 

35. The Unabomber Loved Star Trek.  Little known fact:  Ted Kaczynski, Mr. Aviator Sunglasses himself, first went into hiding when the original Star Trek was canceled, and his vigorous anti-technology stance was just his way of pouting about the cancellation of his favorite show.  In truth, he never watched television again.  If he had only known about the movies, or the Next Generation, or all the half-assed TV series they've put out, he might have opted for something other than blowing people up as his life's work.  Oh, the irony.  Think I'm lying?  Again, look it up.

 

36. Diplomats, Scientists and Politicians vs. Soldiers, Soldiers and Super-soldiers.  The U.S.S. Enterprise has luxurious suites for its crew.  It has a bar.  Its basically half-full of civilians.  Now compare that to the composition of the average Imperial Star Destroyer.  First of all, it's called a Star Destroyer.  Let's see someone name a rental-car company after that (I would).  Second, it is filled to the brim with soldiers.  Storm troopers, even.  And those storm troopers are the grunts, the least powerful of the lot.  If a battle comes, there's no dead weight on a Star Destroyer.  In the meantime, half of the Enterprise is banished to their quarters where they sit around replicating pop-tarts or watching their doom approach through a porthole: however they care to spend their last free moments.

 

 

 

37. Star Wars Allowed for the Making of Spaceballs.  Anything that gives Mel Brooks material is a automatically a great idea.  Star Trek allowed for the making of "Enterprise," which, while a joke, was not funny.

 

38. Proton Torpedoes are Better Than Photon Torpedoes.  This is true if only because photon torpedoes are a horrible misnomer.  According to my research, photon torpedoes have nothing to do with shooting light at someone, and everything to do with shooting a magnetic jar filled with matter and antimatter at someone.  The jar breaks, the matter and anti-matter combine and annihilate, and presto, you have a large explosion that has nothing to do with its name.  Proton torpedoes are ostensibly nuclear weapons, and thus have at least something to with protons, but, since technology isn't really the superceding element of the Star Wars galaxy, it doesn't really matter either way.  What's important is that proton torpedoes destroyed the Death Star, something that photon torpedoes could never even dream of.

 

39. The Sam Jackson Factor.  Another thoroughly undebatable point.  Show me Samuel L. Jackson in a Star Trek anything (movie, TV series, cartoon, pajamas) and I will respectfully withdraw this statement.

 

40. Problem Solving is For Chumps.  Star Trek commonly puts its crew in a dilemma that can only be solved by the cunning of its officers.  For example:  The crew is stuck on a planet and have no means of escape.  The gravity on the planet is extreme, and keeps the crew from standing up.  Meanwhile, a sinister red gas leaks from a nearby rock formation.  The officers put their heads together, and find that by modifying their tri-corders (oldest trick in the Star Trek book), they can cause an avalanche which will not only block the flow of the red gas, but will also cause massive seismic activity on the other side of the planet, which will cause a huge volcano to erupt and spew a significant amount of mass into orbit, which in turn lessens the gravitational pull of the planet.  Or something.  The point is, they always stumble upon some incredibly obscure method of saving themselves, like a team of Space MacGuyvers.  Star Wars, oppositionally, presents much more visceral challenges.  For example:  Your father is evil.  Will you or will you not attempt to kill him?  Or, even more simply:  The soldiers are trying to blast you.  Will you run away or blast them back?  Real decisions with real consequences.

 

41. Star Trekking is Like Being a Fish Out of Water.  Since the context of Star Trek is that of Earth's future and the future of humanity, there is a direct implication that there was a time before manned space flight.  In Star Wars, there is no Earth, and thus there is no such implication.  As far as we know, the people of Star Wars have always been down with the space travel, and the complexity of the intragalactic relationships would seem to support that notion.  There are no references in Star Wars - neither direct nor indirect - to a time before space flight.  It is a fact which is completely taken for granted.  Space is the natural environ for a Star Wars character.  It's all they know.  Compared to the extensive space experience of the average citizen of the Republic/Empire, Trekkies are still filling their diapers.

 

 

 

 

43. The Star Wars Kid.  You remember this kid.  He shot himself on video in front of a white tarp doing his best lightsaber routine, everyone knew it was hilarious, it caught on big as a viral video, and… well, that's it.  Remember how earnest he was.  Remember looking in his eyes:  he believed in what he was doing, and he was excited about it.  And deadly serious.  Now, imagine someone electrifying you with that same undeniable energy, but instead of pretending to swing a lightsaber, they're making an entry into the Captain's Log.  Kind of a let down, right?

 

44. Better Source Material.  When writing Star Wars, George Lucas drew from influences as varied as Joseph Campbell's studies of the mythic hero, comic books, the work of Carl Jung, Akira Kurosawa and even the rabbit novel, Watership Down.  Star Trek is based on the inside of Gene Roddenberry's head, and what he wanted the future to look like.  It's a testament to that head that his thoughts resonate as much as they do, but it still can't compare to the raw accumulation of thought and the complexity of mode present in Star Wars.

 

45. Dirt.  Star Wars presents a highly technologically advanced society, but, in the spirit of realism and unlike in Star Trek, things still get dirty.  People make messes.  The bars are too loud.  The roads are dusty.  All of these things combine to make the environment seem real.  If someone in Star Wars is fixing a vehicle of some sort, when they're done, they're greasy.  But Scottie fixes the warp core, and he's sweaty (read:  fat), but he's not dirty.  Star Trek is cold and sterile.  I'll take warm and diseased.

 

46. Ragtaggery.  Earlier I compared the crew of the Enterprise to that of a Star Destroyer.  Now, we'll see that the crew of the Millennium Falcon is superior in a totally different way.  They're probably the most motley assortment of people, creatures and robots possible, ,and that fact covers every base imaginable in terms of potential teamwork.  Consider the crew:  one wookiee with extreme technical skill including electronics and mechanical training; one ne'er-do-well smuggler who owns the ship, a lead foot and a heart of gold; one princess/senator with all the diplomatic skill you could ask for; one farm boy with magical powers; one robot who talks like a robot should; one robot who talks like a robot who speaks English should.  Like I said, all bases are covered: fighters, diplomats, skilled craftmen, and, of course, robots.

 

47. The Rancor Monster.  Star Wars has the Rancor, Star Trek does not.  If you're not sure what a Rancor is, Jabba the Hutt kept one in a pit as a pet to dispose of any guests who overstayed their welcome.  It was a giant beast with a very Predator-like face, and Luke killed it by dropping a heavy metal gate on its head.  The toy had an articulate mouth that you could move to chew on the characters of your choosing, or on your enemies' faces if anyone crossed you.  Star Trek has always been diminished by an inexcusable lack of Rancor monster.

 

48. George Lucas' Nuttiness is Hilarious.  In a 2004 interview during a Star Wars DVD press junket, Mark Hamill told a story about something that happened on the set of the first Star Wars picture, A New Hope. "[Lucas] said, 'Um, how'd you like to be in Episode IX?' This is 1976. 'When is that going to be?' '2011.' I defy anyone to add 36 years to their lives and not be stunned. Even an eight year old is like, 'No, I'll never be 47.' So I did the math and figured out how old I'd be. I said, 'Well, what do you want me to do?' He said, 'You'll just be like a cameo. You'll be like Obi Wan handing the lightsaber down to the next new hope.'"

 

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.  George Lucas asked Mark Hamill if he wanted to do a cameo in a movie that he wasn't planning on making for three and a half decades.  Anybody out there want to be in a movie I'm making?  You'll be in a moving train in the background.  Oh, and it starts shooting in 2041, so be on time.  Gene Roddenberry's nuttiness, on the other hand, was just annoying.  This is a man who shot his own remains into space.  For an empty gesture, you have to admit that's pretty disgustingly extravagant.  I mean, think about how many boner pills could have been bought with that money. 

 

 

 

49. The Video Games.  It's so typical of Star Trek to fail to put up a fight in this category.  The library of Star Wars games is vast, and while there's a great deal of quantity for quantity's sake, there's also a lot of really great games (Rogue Squadron, Knights of the Old Republic and Empire at War come to mind as semi-recent examples).  I've played a couple of Star Trek games.  They are fine if you have something else to do at the same time, like, for instance, playing a Star Wars game.  Star Trek games are so slow-paced, you need time lapse photography to make sure you're actually playing them.

 

50. The William Faulkner Connection.  The Empire Strikes Back was co-written by Leigh Brackett.  Leigh Brackett not only wrote The Big Sleep - one of the finest movies ever - she wrote it with William Faulkner, one of the great literary geniuses of the 20th century.  By the transitive property of film, William Faulkner co-wrote The Empire Strikes Back.  Who wrote the Wrath of Khan?  If it wasn't Hemingway or Gabriel Garcia Marquez, you lose HARD, Star Trek.  And it wasn't.  It was some dude who wrote for Bonanza.  Know when to fold 'em, Star Trek.  Know when to run.