Underrated Sports Movies

Over the Top

I can unequivocally say that this is the greatest arm wrestling movie starring Sylvester Stallone on the planet. The plot, for those not in the know, is that Sylvester Stallone…blah de blue…arm wrestling for a semi truck and the love of his son. You see, what you have to understand is that Sylvester Stallone is like a superhero in this movie. He wears a hat normally, but when he turns his hat around it’s like flipping a switch, and he becomes an arm wrestling machine. Can he defeat his arm wrestling nemesis? Will the win soften the heart of his rich, dead wife’s father? Does he win the love of his son at the end of the movie? My opinion: “Over the Top” is OVER THE TOP excitement and arm wrestling and subtle homoeroticism.

Searching for Bobby Fischer

After watching the movie “The Natural,” I went outside and played wiffleball. A sports movie is supposed to make you want to do what you saw on the screen. That is why I will admit that I went and bought a chess set after seeing “Searching for Bobby Fischer.” Playing chess doesn’t have quite the same pizzazz as shooting baskets after watching “Hoosiers,” but it’s at least marginally cool. “Fischer” is a true story, except they used Hollywood Magic to make all the people who were ugly in real life beautiful in the movie.

Without Limits

Before “Without Limits,” I had never heard of Steve Prefontaine. Then, some marketing wizards decided that one movie about Prefontaine wasn’t enough, and two movies about him were released within seconds of one another. “Without Limits” stars Billy Crudup, while “Pre” has Jared Leto. Essentially, the choice is between Ashitaka and Mr. My-So-Called Life with a terrible mustache. What is amazing about the movie is that it actually makes you think running—basically NASCAR without crashes or speed—is exciting. And Prefontaine was a badass who won a race with a foot so bloody that his shoes made squishy sounds as he ran.

Cool Hand Luke

“But surely you can’t mean the movie with Paul Newman in prison. Don’t you mean ‘The Hustler?’” No, I mean “Cool Hand Luke,” you arrogant bastard. This movie has the single greatest competitive eating display in movie history (its only rival being “Lard Ass” Hogan’s vomitacular scene in “Stand By Me). Paul Newman has to eat 50 eggs in an hour, and he sure as hell doesn’t fail. He’s Cool Hand Luke, he’s the kind of man who cuts heads off parking meters and doesn’t give a shit what you think about it.

Breaking Away

What do you get when you add fake Italian accents, ½ of “The Wet Bandits,” Kelly Leak, and Dennis Quaid? You get movie history, that’s what. “Breaking Away” is a movie about competitive bicycle riding—NASCAR with crashes, but without the speed—and growing up in Bloomington, Indiana. If you take either of those details separately: boring, like the green lion. But combining the two is like adding the green lion to 4/5 of Voltron. The green lion alone is effing lame, but Voltron can make a sword out of the vacuum of space and cut fifty foot tall reptilian monsters in half. According to my analogy, then, this movie is Voltron.

Old School

I guess there’s some rhythmic gymnastics in there. The fat guy does a vault and Vince Vaughn does the rings. Really, you know, I just like “Old School.” It’s a funny movie. “We’re going streaking through the quad and into the gymnasium….No, I’m cool. Bring…Bring your green hat, it’s cool.”

Rounders

Poker’s on ESPN, so it must be a sport. Of course, that would make Spelling Bee a sport, too. “Rounders” is a great poker movie. You have Edward Norton being slimy, and Matt Damon being Matt Damon, and John Malkovich chomping scenes like they’re Big League Chew. While I love the movie, one part always bothers me: when Matt Damon says to Gretchen Mol that he wants a quickie, he says, “I’ll be really quick, you won’t feel a thing.” And she replies, “We both know that’s not true.” Whose girlfriend would ever say that? You were out all night and she’s going to stroke your ego? Was Matt Damon so afraid that people would think he was poorly endowed that they had to add a line that no girlfriend would ever say?

Bring it On

Boobs.

The Karate Kid

“The Karate Kid” has all the necessary parts for a great sports movie: underdog kid, hot girlfriend, “Wise Asian Guy” who kicks protagonist’s nemesis in the nuts. Much like “Bobby Fischer,” the awesomeness of this movie caused me to immediately learn karate. If the hair doesn’t stand up on the back of your neck when the announcer says, “Daniel Larusso’s gonna fight? DANIEL LARUSSO’S GOING TO FIGHT,” then you are not human.

Gladiator

Gladiatorial combat was probably the most gruesome sport ever, save that ancient Celtic pastime, “competitive circumcision.” Of all the protagonists on the list, Maximus is definitely the toughest. Or maybe Will Ferrell: it’s a tossup. Besides badass-ness, “Gladiator” has a great villain in Commodus. The narrative structure is tight and it ends when it needs to end. We’re just lucky M. Night Shyamalan didn’t write it. Maximus would die, and then we’d find out Ancient Rome was just a theme park outside of Cleveland.

Drop Zone

If you were a studio executive and someone told you that they wanted to create a Wesley Snipes movie about skydiving where none of the stars are ever shown close-up while skydiving, would you be brave enough to greenlight that film? I think not. You’d say, “Shouldn’t we have close ups of Wesley Snipes as he floats through the air like he just don’t care?” And, honestly, you’d be right. Because no amount of Gary Busey or Corky “Not The One From 'Life Goes On'” Nemec can save a movie that has Wesley Snipes in a jumpsuit. Still, it’s the best movie about skydiving ever. What a sad world.