Top 10 Hollywood Cock-Blockers

 10) Jason Voorhees – the “Friday the 13th” Series: So technically he isn’t a friend, but Jason makes the list for his prolific stats when it comes to stomping out adolescent sex. Nobody’s maimed more teenagers in the pursuit of killing their buzz than the guy behind the hockey mask. He even got his mother in on the act once upon a time. Our favorite kill still sounds like the ending of a game of Clue – Kevin Bacon in the bunk bed with an arrow.

9)  Leonardo DiCaprio – “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”: Okay, Arnie’s got a pretty good excuse for stopping Johnny Depp from nailing Juliette Lewis (he is retarded after all), but did he have to be so public about it? Not getting out of the bathtub until you look like Bea Arthur is one thing, climbing water towers is quite another. Not to mention Gilbert also has a mom who happens to weigh as much as a living room set. The family Grape certainly left Gilbert with a large cross to bear. 

8) Charlton Heston – “The 10 Commandments” & “Planet of the Apes”: Mr. NRA himself pulled off a rare daily double of biblical proportions. As Moses, he mucked up the love affair between his adopted brother Rameses and his future wife so badly that she carried a death grudge against him. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Heston created some creepy cross-species tension between his rogue astronaut and a bleeding-heart chimpanzee. He really should have won some sort of award for his range. 

7) Jonathan Ke Quan – “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”: Short Round knows how to do two things: drive a car and block some cock. Every time poor Indy turned around he was tripping over this little ankle biter. Extra credit to Ke Quan for doing essentially the same thing “The Goonies” as Data. He just had better toys in that one. 

6) Jim Carrey – “Dumb & Dumber”: Never has the art of blocking gone to such extremes. Anyone who is willing to sell their friend down the river for a piece of nookie via an explosive case of diarrhea deserves a punch in the throat. No, come to think of it that friend deserves to drink the “special” soda pops given to the motorcycle cop in Act I. 

5) Al Pacino – “Godfather II”: Imagine this – you’re living the life of Riley at the lavish casinos in pre-Castro Cuba. Better than that, you’re the man in Cuba. Controlling everything you see. Every night is martinis and money. And you’re getting more tail than a toilet seat. Then, you’re younger brother shows up and spoils the fun. Prompting one irritated Fredo to respond, “I’m smart Michael. I know things.” But it didn’t matter, a few scenes later you got a bullet to your skull while fishing. 

4) Jason Lee – “Chasing Amy”: This one gets sticky. It’s not just that your best friend is dating a lesbian, she’s kind of a slutty lesbian. Plus, the dude happens to be your business partner, and you may or may not have a crush on him. You’re sexually confused after being desensitized by horse porn and “Degrassi Junior High”. All good points. But Banky still messes up a good thing with an experimental girl. And really, don’t we all dream about an experimental girl. 

3) Edward Norton – “Fight Club”: Denying your id from all things sexual would probably make me want to blow up a few corporate skyscrapers too. Tyler Durden/Narrator’s problem can certainly be explained away, but it can’t be forgiven. Especially considering his first impulse is to beat himself up rather than nail Tim Burton’s wife. 

2) Anthony Daniels – “The Empire Strikes Back”: Dude not cool! You cross up the Han on Hoth, then you do it a second time on the Falcon. All our favorite antihero wanted to do was get him some Jedi ass before he’s frozen in carbonite. Add to this, the fact that his best friend Luke (and girlfriend’s brother) gets a sloppy kiss from her in front of Chewbacca. It’s no wonder Han was left to play with his Wookie. 

Honorable Mention – Gene Wilder – “Young Frankenstein”: The ultimate cock block maneuver – simply steal your monster’s unit for yourself. Yikes! 

1) Bruce Willis – “Pulp Fiction”: I’m just going to put this out there. What if Marsellus Wallace secretly liked himself some hillbilly lovin’? That’s a Friday night he’ll never get back.