Tire Tracks: The Worst Car Accessories Ever

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Wings

Let's get this shit straight right now:  your car is not the Batmobile. Automobile manufactures spend millions of dollars on wind tunnel testing and development every year, and it’s a safe bet they know what they're doing. Slapping a 50-pound aftermarket wing on your Acura WON”T HELP. Oh yeah, and it doesn’t look cool either. It makes you look like a douchebag. Cars that need rear wings come with them, so stop it.

Baby on Board

Oh, how we hate thee. For some reason, people think having a sign like this will make others around them drive more cautiously. They couldn’t be more wrong. All these signs tell us is the reason why the aforementioned car/van is driving 10 miles below the speed limit and that the driver is more likely than not distracted by a crying brat. Thanks for the warning; we’ll stay FAR away from you. And your baby.

Flame Stickers and/or Graphics

Look at me, my car is soooo fast. How fast? It’s so fast that there are flames are on the side of it. Yeah, right. Only thing that should be done to cars with flame graphics:  they should be doused with gasoline and actually set on fire. You wanted flames?  You got 'em.  Bitches.

Bullet Holes

We’re really not sure what message people with fake bullet holes want to send to people, but we’re assuming that either A) they think they are tough, B) they have been in a gun fight, or C) they live in the wrong neighborhood, so please don’t steal their car. Why someone would want to put fake bullet holes on their car is beyond us. If they were real holes, wouldn’t they get them fixed? If not, we’d be more than happy to grab our Glock and give them the real effect. Any time. We'd just want to make sure they’re IN the car.

Gaudy Hood Ornaments

Seriously? We couldn’t believe this shit when we saw it. Nothing says, “Howdy, I’m a really big fucking hick,” like a giant, silver trout hood ornament. We’d really like to see what kind of car/truck/jeep that monstrosity would be attached to.  No doubt, the owner would be a BIG Larry the Cable Guy fan… and by that, of course, we're referring to incest.

Bumper Stickers

While sometimes clever, most of the time they are just lame and useless. The only and we mean ONLY redeeming factor they have is that they give us something to read in bumper-to-bumper rush-hour traffic. Other than that, we really don’t give a shit what band you listen to, who you voted for, or whether you're a "top" or a "bottom."  (By the way, when someone puts a rainbow bumper sticker on their car, which message do you think comes through most clearly?  Is it, A) I am gay and proud, B) I support my gay friends, or C) Calling all bigots, far and wide!  Please come fuck up my unattended car.)

Gluing Shit to Your Car 

OK, so this really isn’t an accessory per se, but people inexplicably still do it to their cars, so we’re including it. So while we can appreciate art and its many forms, this one shouldn’t be expressed. Ever. And, sure, we get the message with the “green” grass-covered car, but do they realize how all that grass is fucking up the aerodynamics and therefore the gas mileage? Counter-productive much?

Curb Feelers

These are a blast from the past, but what’s old is new -- and retro shit is all the rage. These nifty devices are there to tell warn you when you are too close to the curb by making a noise. They  protect those nice, clean whitewalls and to keep your tires pristine. No thanks, as we’ve learned how to parallel park, and we've got our own system of sensors for telling how far from the curb we are.  They're called eyes.

Suicide Knobs

Well, the name says it all, doesn’t it? Made for hot rods back in the day, this device was made so you could do all your driving while keeping your arm around your “dame.” Too bad that if the knob didn’t retract after turning, it could catch your arm or sleeve and wrap your ass up, therefore causing the wrapping of you and your ass around a tree. Great idea.

Fatties

And the worst accessory you can ever get for your car is a tons-of-fun co-pilot. While they might not even fit into your car, they will assuredly ruin the handling and acceleration based on horsepower vs. tonnage of said passenger.  That is, of course, unless you like that sort of thing. But then you’re probably already in a car with flames and bullet holes while sporting a HUGE rear wing and a ginormous ice cream hood ornament.  You also wouldn't have a computer, or know how to snort at us viacomment button if you did.