Times When You Need To Use The “Off” Hand To Whack It

 

-The hot, naked, female flesh-eating zombie is stronger than you thought she’d be

-You’re in the middle of a driver’s test.

-You need to point towards the kitchen with your good hand—to let the old lady know that that’s where she belongs!

-You’re playing solo strip Wii Bowling.

-You ran out of toilet paper and soap earlier and you just took a huge shit.

-You’re writing poems with the good hand.

-Felt like cheating on “Daisy McRighty”

-It’s family game night and you don’t like losing at Hungry Hungry Hippos

-You’re teaching your 5th grade class how to draw circles and it’s tough to do that with the off hand

-The main hand is currently being bitten by a radioactive spider

-You’re Watching gay porn

-Because your piano recital wasn’t going so well with just your feet

-You’re trying to be incognito and everyone knows you jerk it in public with your right hand

-You’re four under par on the 9th hole

-You’re voting for the next American Idol with your strong hand

-You’re in the hospital, having just lost your right hand in a horrible accident

-You’re in the hospital, visiting your girlfriend who just lost her hands in a terrible accident (your main hand is for her)

-You're in Saudi Arabia, and you stole one thing.

-You're about to shake hands with the Dalai Lama, and the look in his eye says he's not going to accomodate you

-Someone told you you've got to cut the umbilical cord right away, and you've only got right-handed scissors

-You’re biting off your toenails and need the good arm to hold your leg steady

-You’re Djaying a party

-I don’t know about you, but I need BOTH HANDS to whack it.  Hear that, ladies? BOTH HANDS!!! CUZ MY WANG’S SO BIG!

-You're writing a list of times you need to use your off-hand to jack-off