Things You Do On The Internet When You're Drunk

August 26, 2014 - 2:15 am | Permalink

Back in the day, the worst combination of technology and alcohol was drunk dialing with a phone—computers and the internet have changed the game entirely. Here’s a list of things that you’re most likely to do the next time you get wasted and decide to “quickly check your Facebook.”

Bid On Something Ridiculous on Ebay

So there you are, it's 3 AM, and you're listening to an iTunes playlist consisting of Garth Brooks, Destiny's Child, and Slayer, which at the time, makes complete sense. You suddenly decide it would be a good idea to go shopping on eBay instead of sleeping like a normal human being.

When you wake up the next morning (with a wicked hangover, of course) and check your email, you're pleasantly notified that you've won auctions for a vintage Spiderman lamp, an assortment of Japanese pornography, and six pounds of homemade beef jerky. Have fun with that.

Send Horrible Emails

Instead of drunk dialing, today we have drunk emailing—or Facebook messaging, if that's your thing. Either way, the results are never positive. These kinds of emails usually involve one of the two emotional extremes of intoxication: love or hate. You either end up emailing the girl you like at work a nine page love letter detailing every event in your life that lead up to the moment you met her, or you email your boss a picture of your butthole. There's really no in between.

Sign Up for Dating Sites

Admit it. If you're male, enjoy alcohol, and have an internet connection, this has happened. It's in the middle of the night, you're hammered (probably listening to that same playlist) and you decide it's time to surf the web for some cyber-tang. You start the night making accounts with the tame sites—like eHarmony or something—and by the time you're cracking open your seventh Mickey's Tall Boy you've made accounts on frighteningly specific sites. You justify this by thinking, “What? Am I too good to date an amputee or something? I'd do her.” Heaven forbid you actually get any replies to this drunken online dating spree, because who knows how scary the girls would be.


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