The Women Available to Alpha, Beta & Omega Males: Where Do You Fit In?

April 23, 2014 - 3:58 am | Permalink

Figure out what kind of girls you should be hitting on based on your man rating

It used to be that popular nomenclature only used two of the different hierarchical terms for men: alpha males and beta males. However, in recent years, men have descended even further into the realm of jelly bellies, weak chins, and “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirts. Men amongst the higher levels, along with their cohort of cackling she-harpies, decided it was time to properly classify these herbivorous schlubs. And thus the omega male was born; inferior to even the lowly beta male.

 

So what kind of women do the different types of male have at their disposal? The standards each classification of male applies to their selection of women varies so greatly, that each man will almost certainly fall into one camp or another. Obviously, the degree of quality the women available to each type of man rises dramatically with each ascending level.

 

If, after reading this, you feel as though you've resonated with a description of the lower caste of men and would like to do something about it, all hope is not lost. You can taste the sweet fruits of victory that are only granted to the alpha males, but it will take some time. Sadly, while painstaking effort can be made to upgrade one's classification from, say, omega to beta, most men accept their fates with a whimper (which, by definition, is not surprising).

 

If you happen to be one of the few, the proud, the alpha males, you'll find the following descriptions highly accurate.

 

Omega Male Standards

 

 

Celibacy. Often not by choice. The grim fate of the common omega male is that, however low their standards might be, they sometimes can't manage to get any affection whatsoever. This leads to many long nights in front of the computer and waste bins brimming with spent tissues (and broken dreams).

 

Pre-Op Transsexuals. Sometimes an omega will find himself so hard up for human contact that any woman will do – even the ones that aren't really women yet. So what Ashley's name used to be Todd? I mean, sure, she still has that annoying penis around, but hey, no relationship is perfect. Right?

 

Love Dolls. You would be surprised at how fucking advanced these things have become. No longer are omegas stuck in the dark ages of patch kits and bicycle tire pumps. Ultra realistic silicon women – some upwards of $5,000 – are now on the market, and boy do they sell. They can't do the laundry or make dinner. Yet.

 

Cybersex (excluding video cameras). Usually taking place over World of Warcraft between two young lovers, caught up in a mysterious world of fantasy and adventure. Except that hot level 80 night elf is, of course, another dude.

 

Preferred type of prostitute: Dirty streetwalkers. Because other kinds of prostitutes have standards of their own, or they would outright charge the omega male more money than he could possibly afford. Instead, the omega will consider the night a success if the hooker he picked up had more than eight teeth.

 

Beta Male Standards

 

 

Single mothers. Once-attractive women who have been pumped and dumped by genetically superior alpha males (hence the children) will allow themselves to cozy up to a “nice guy” beta male. He'll be getting laid at least, sometimes, but is ultimately a provider. He will, in exchange for having the privilege to get married to the used goods, pay for a wife that doesn't really find him all that attractive, and children who will never see him as their father. This dark reality will almost make the beta wish he had one of those awesome love dolls.

 

High school sweethearts. This is a common standard for beta males – having lost their virginity to their high school sweetheart, they end up dragging the relationship out well beyond college, and possibly for the majority of their adult lives. The couple doesn't remain together because they have a fairy-tale relationship, but instead because they both know, deep down, that they probably can't do better. That is, until a messy divorce leaves the beta crushed and penniless, possibly demoting him to omega territory in the process.

 

Unrequited love. The most common affliction of the beta male. The popular 2005 Ryan Reynolds flick Just Friends popularized the term most betas find assigned to their situation: friendzoned. “Oh, he's so nice,” she'll say, “but I just don't see him like that.” Of course not – and why would she, after this poor beta spent hours, days, potentially years of his life listening to her guy troubles on the phone until two in the morning. Who picked her up when she was out and had too much to drink (and couldn't find a guy she wanted to sleep with that night). But the beta knows that if he hangs on juuuust a little longer, she'll definitely reward his valiant, gentlemanly behavior with a night of steamy passion, won't she? ...Guys? She will, right?

 

Butter faces. Ever see a guy with a girlfriend who, for some inexplicable reason, has a fantastic body but the face of a monster? This is a beta who has cut his losses and decided he might as well bang a girl with a nice body instead of another fatty. She'll eventually break up with him for refusing to sleep with her in any other position but doggy.

 

Preferred type of prostitute: Asian massage parlors. A step up from the streetwalkers favored by the omega male, betas are at least manly enough to step it up a notch and have a sexual encounter somewhere other than the front seat of their El Camino. It might not be true love, but a nice rub and tug from Mai Ling can release a lot of pent up sexual tension.

 

 

Alpha Male Standards

 

 

Supermodels. Women who fall under the elusive category of “perfect 10s” are only available to a handful of men: true alpha males. You've seen commercials for Victoria's Secret models, looked at Playboy's foldouts (wait, who reads magazines anymore? Let alone Playboy? Well, the point stands), and admired them from afar – but only one kind of man has access to them. Whether it's his good looks, boatloads of money, or pure charm alone, these kinds of women are in demand and they know it.

 

One night stands. As an alpha male, you don't have time for girlfriends, marriage, or long term relationships of any kind. You've simply got  too many options to settle down. And these stretches of non-commitment can last a lifetime for the real die-hard alphas. When asked whether or not they have children, many alpha males will reply, “I'm not sure. Probably.”

 

Your girlfriend. Nuff said.

 

Preferred type of prostitute: $2,000 per night high class escorts. The evening begins with sharing a few glasses of red wine, and ends in a private jet snorting cocaine off of her nipples.


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