The Top 10 Manliest Inventions Of All TimeJanuary 10, 2007 - 10:05 am |
So here they are, the manliest inventions…be they gadgets, food innovations or major, important devices, if it's manly, it's on here. You might not agree with our picks…and that's okay. Cuz' if we disagree, we can wrestle it out. That's what us guys do…right?
#9 The Webber Grill and Matchlight Briquettes: There's nothing manlier than fire. But let's face it...who the fuck knows how to start one using twigs and leaves and stuff? So the kindly folks at Webber gave us a grill where we can stick our Matchlight Briquettes, which shares the bill with Webber because it makes fire easy. And doing things the easy way...and fire...are manly as all hell.
#8 Pizza: We don't like forks and knives. We like meat and cheese. And sandwiches are hard to chef when you're driving off road. That's why we've got pizza. If pizza's not the official food of Monster Trucking, it should be. I think that's called synergy or something. God, am I smart.
#7 The Internet: A lot of the internet is pretty fruity. Blogs, like this one for instance, aren't that manly, even if they explicitly state otherwise. Sorry. But...what makes this site...and a whole lot of other sites too...redeemable? Hot chicks...and in most instances, porn. Because, as the old animated gif used to say, "The Internet is for Porn!" And porn is pretty manly. Unless you're watching it with friends...in which case...keep your hands to yourself.
#6 A Videocamera: Guys do a lot of boneheaded things, like setting their cars on fire, egging their neighbor's house or jumping off the roof into a half-filled above ground pool. And we need something to document these retarded activities. That's where videocamera's come in. LIke 80% of the cool shit on the internet these days comes from dudes doing dumb crap in front of a videocamera. The other 20% is footage of women in various stages of undress (see above).
#5 Cars: The idea of putting yourself INSIDE of a machine is ballsy as hell. I'm sure when the dude who invented the car went home to show his wife his awesome new invention, she was probably like, "Honey, no! You'll take your eye out!" And he probably did take his eye out. Cuz cars are dangerous. And that's why we like them. After women, the most appealing thing to my penis is danger. Then right after that, a good talcum powder.
#4 A Saw: I've never seen a woman use a saw before. I don't blame them...saws are terrifying. They cut things in half, no questions asked. The sight of those jagged, sharp teeth send shivers down my spine. I totally understand why there's a horror franchise called "Saw." Because saws are scary, period. They're also frickin' cool. Sawing a piece of wood in half is more fun than it should be. That's why the rain-forest is dwindling...people are having too much fun sawing stuff. Ouch!
#3 A Machine Gun: I've never fired one before and chances are you haven't either. But there are tons of people who have, and they're all men. A machine gun is a weapon that sheds all pretense of the gun as an object of "defense." It is an offensive weapon. If you point a machine gun at someone and hold down the trigger, you're going to kill them. That sort of no frills, no forgiveness attitude is man at his core. It's like a metaphor, man! Now duck!!!
#2 A Hammer: The ultimate manly tool. When a woman needs a hammer, she knows where to go...to a man. It's just a given in this world...men go to women to find holes to put their penises inside...and women go to men to get a hammer.
#1 Fire: Boooyah! The foundation for most of the great things in life, plus it's fire dude...hot and scary. Beavis was on to something, guys...fire is where it's at. And how do I know it's manly? When was the last time you saw a chick put rubbing alcohol on her hand just so she could burn it off? When was the last time you saw a video on youtube of a lady lighting cherry bombs? Exactly. Best. Invention. Evar!