The Rosie O'Donnell Death Watch

Paris Hilton - "If I have to watch one more sex tape from Paris Hilton, I'm going to vomit Red Lobster all over Joy Behar.  She's got problems, am I right?  I mean, she's out partying all the time, she can't keep her pants on, and I think there might be some...uh... drugs involved?  It bothers me how skinny she is.  What if she falls on my plate and I accidentally eat her?  I'm worried about her."

Dr. Phil - "Is it just me, or is this guy everywhere?  Why?  He looks like "If Homer Simpson Was Secretly a Klansman".  And he's an egomaniac.  Everytime I turn on the TV, and I don't see myself, I see him trying to tell everyone what's best for them.  Someone needs to tell him that I've got that angle taken care of.  It would be a shame if he choked to death on his own mustache.  The path he's on -- the mustaches, the constant advice, the reflective nature of his bald head -- these are all very destructive behaviors.  I'm deeply concerned about him."

James Van Der Beek - "Am I really the only one who's totally fed up with James Van Der Beek?  I don't care if his career is over.  What is he, Dutch?  Who needs so many words in their last name?  It's crazy.  I'm worried about James.  Did you know that 20,000 people die in clog-dancing related accidents every day, and most of them are Dutch?  Speaking of clogging, I have to go take a shit."

Ann Coulter - "I hate Ann Coulter, but deep down, I'm really just very worried about her.  I think she's bulemic.  I heard that she has sex with mimes because she's allergic to listening.  I think there might be crack involved with that, too.  What is her problem, anyway?  She's putting herself in a scary situation every day she lights up that crack pipe and screws a mime.  Mimes can't tell you when they have AIDS.  It would be against the rules.  I hope she can turn her life around, but I think she might just die first.  You can just tell I'm worried by the way my chin is slapping against my neck."

Kid Rock - "What is he?  A rapper?  A country music singer?  A country music rapper?  I don't care for that.  I think Kid Rock is deeply confused and troubled.  Alcohol is definitely involved.  I know this because my crystal ball gives me secrets.  I think he doesn't brush his teeth very often; that can be a problem with country folk.  I'm worried about tooth decay with Kid Rock.  I hope he doesn't get a badly infected cavity that rampages through his body and causes a systemic organ shutdown.  That would be an unbearable tragedy."

Jerry Springer - "It's hard to believe that Jerry is still going strong.  What kind of a talk show host constantly says and does sensational things just to keep the wheels turning on a show that's long overdue for cancellation?  I mean, and it's no secret that Jerry has problems with pest control, right, Barbara?  Barbara won't say.  But Barbara knows that Jerry has roaches, and roaches carry diseases.  If Jerry Springer dies of a roach-borne illness, I won't say I told you so, but I'm concerned that unless he can clean up his act, roaches are going to kill him.  It's very, very sad."

Osama Bin Laden - "Ok.  If you had a friend who lived in a cave, wouldn't you want to help them?  I'm worried about Osama.  I want to help him, reach out.  His grooming is embarassing.  He's hiding under a rock somewhere... it just breaks my heart.  I mean, just a few years ago he was living the high life, now he's just waiting for death.  And he's paranoid.  Are there drugs involved?  I don't know.  But I do know that if he dies, I've got dibs on his beard.  I want to look more like a man."

Abraham Lincoln - "Am I the only one who's sick of this guy's tired antics?  I mean, every year the post office is closed on his birthday, and it's like, what have you even done in the past 140 years?  Probably drinking.  I mean, he's got to be careful.  I've had friends who tried to quit drinking for years, and then they go to a play, and boom!  shot in the back of the head by an actor.  I'm deeply worried about Abraham Lincoln's well-being, that's why I say this."

Rosie O'Donnell - "I'm really starting to annoy myself.  Is my lifestyle really all that healthy?  I mean, when I wake up in the morning and eat 20 pancakes, I question how good for me that is, but do I change anything?  No.  I get light syrup, but then I just use twice as much.  And how much of a ratings whore can I be?  Can you catch diseases by being whore in a figurative sense?  I'm pretty worried about me.  If I was bald, do you think I'd look like a cross between the Buddha and Ralph Macchio?  That's pretty concerning."