The Right Beer For The Right Moment

Your first beer ever:

This beer should be free, and given to you by someone older than you. What kind it is doesn’t really matter as you will probably be underage. You probably won’t like it anyway, but trust us: the taste will grow on you.

Breakfast:

 

It’s the most important meal of the day, so why not start it with a nice, frosty beer? A beer mixed with tomato juice, that is. Canadians dub this concoction a Calgary Red Eye, while our amigos down south know this beverage as a Cerveza Preparada. We’re not too sure about this one, but if Canadians drink it, it can’t that bad, eh?

College frat party: Busch Light, Keystone light

 

The key here is quantity vs. the number of people you can get drunk. College students don’t really care anyway, as most are probably underage and wouldn’t appreciate a good beer if it jumped up and bit them in the ass. So 15 or 20 lukewarm Busch lights from a keg in a plastic cup are perfect.

Beerfest:

 

The one and only beer to drink at a beerfest is Schnitzengiggle, the best beer in the World.  Robust enough for casual drinking while light enough for chugging down in Das Boot. Careful though, as if you drink too much you just might end up getting a BJ, HJ or ZJ from someone named Barry Badrinath.

Tropical island, beach, pool:  Corona, Negra Modelo.

 

Ok, the advertising campaign has us hooked on this one. There’s nothing better at the beach or by the pool than an ice-cold Corona with a lime in it. If you prefer a darker beer, go with the Modelo.

St. Patrick’s Day: Guinness, Harp, or Caffrey's Irish Ale

 

Not that we can remember too much about St. Patrick’s Day or what we drank, but there is a slight recollection of a brown, creamy beer in there somewhere. It must have been Guinness. If the creamy goodness of a Guinness doesn’t tempt you, try the lighter, easier drinking Harp or Caffrey's.

NASCAR: Busch Light - in cans

 

There must be some attraction in watching 40 or so cars go around in a circle for five hours, waiting for them to crash, and 20 or so beers must help. Get a couple of 20-packs and pretty soon you won’t care who wins, or where you even are. One of the series is sponsored/named after it, so that just goes to show you how much they like the stuff.

Deep-sea diving with Stingrays: Fosters oil can

 

After a few of these you won’t feel a thing. You probably shouldn’t get in the water either, but then again, some people shouldn’t wrestle alligators. Or stingrays. From the land down under, Fosters is a lighter beer with a mild finish. But at a whopping 25 Ozs, the real challenge is not to slack off or your beer will be quite warm before you finish it all.

Columbus Day:  Peroni

 

Besides Christmas, Columbus Day is one of the biggest celebrations for Italians. Everyone puts down their sub-machine guns and settles their differences for a day and has a party. For the proud and few Italians with the cojones to put down the wine, Peroni is a nice light beer to get the party going.

When you’re about to be vaporized by a thermo-nuclear bomb: Kirin Lager and if there’s time, add a shot of Sake

The end is near and you need one more drink. Have some Sake and your troubles will seem a bit less serious. Hell, you’re about to be vaporized anyway, so you might as well be sauced up a bit. Try cold Sake for a more refreshing and smooth bomb.

After or during Fight Club: Budweiser, Alt-Er-Ego Amber

 

After a fight with your imaginary friend, a Budweiser is the right beer. And after three pitchers you’ll be able to ask yourself if you can stay (“ahem”) with yourself. And if you have an imaginary friend that you actually have fights with, you can also try Alt-Er-Ego Amber, a German-style brown ale. Just remember: the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

Sporting events: 

 

With the exception of Hockey, light anything will suffice. At close to $8 for a large plastic cup of the cheapest of beer, your best option is to sneak in a 20 o.z. plastic wide mouth bottle. Also, don’t forget that major sporting events cut you off at a certain point -- so keep the third quarters, seventh inning and second periods in the back of your mind.

Hockey Game: Molson or anything Canadian

 

Self-professed inventors of beer, the only way to watch a hockey game is with a good Canadian beer. Since their football, basketball and baseball plays second fiddle to ours, we’ll give them hockey and toast accordingly. As long as they don’t take out the fighting, because otherwise we’re going to invade and take over. Don’t think we won’t.

Just released from jail: Anchor Liberty Ale, Bad Boy Oktoberfest

 

Anchor Liberty Ale. That, or anything you can get your hands on.  Not that anyone from the Double V has been in jail, or has drank a Liberty Ale, but the two just seemed to fit. If not that, try a Bad Boy Oktoberfest, a German-Style Märzen that’s sure to set you straight.

Girl’s night out: Zima

 

One for the ladies -- and yes, Zima is actually a malt beverage so we’re going to include it here. So ladies, here is your “beer.” Bonus points to women who actually drink real beer (if they actually do drink real beer, it’s a clue they are a keeper or at least tolerable). And guys, don’t you dare ever, and I mean EVER order a Zima. You have been warned.

D-Day/Independence day: Mickey’s

 

Even though it wasn’t around during D-day, that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying a nice cold Mickey’s grenade. Sure, it won’t help you kick some Nazi ass, but at 5.6% alcohol content, it will get you f’ed up. And if the smaller version isn’t enough for you, they have 40 ozs as well. Those are sure to make you feel no pain. 

 

Valentine’s Day

w/gf: Pilser Urquell

 

If you can get away with getting a beer instead of sharing a bottle of wine on Valentine’s Day, try Pilsner Urquell. This light lager from the Czech Republic proves they can export something other than hockey players and porn stars.

w/o gf: Bachelor Bitter

 

 

And if by the off chance you don’t have a significant other on this made-up of all made-up holidays, the ever-popular Bachelor Bitter should do nicely. This extra strong bitter will surely help you forget that you had no date today -- or for the last six months.

After Sex: Bacchanal Blonde, Huntington Beach blonde, Natural Light, Big Butt Doppelbock

 

While most any type of beer is great for getting sex, finding the perfect brew for afterwards is a little trickier. If you are lucky, a Bacchanal Blonde or Huntington Beach blonde will be in order, both of them light American-style pale ales. If you did have too much to drink and she wasn’t the cutest thing in the bar, maybe a Natty Light would be more appropriate.  And finally -- if you were really drunk -- hope a Big Butt Doppelbock isn’t in your future.

Earthquake: Aftershock Bock, Pale Ale

If the earth is shaking and the ground is quaking you’re probably experiencing an earthquake. If you make it through alive and it was over 4.5 it’s time for an Aftershock Bock. Anything smaller and the Aftershock Pale Ale will do. Slam it down and thank your lucky stars Arizona isn’t beachfront property.

Gangland funeral: Old English 800, AK-47

 

When your bros standing outside the club get gunned down in a hail of bullets, a funeral will follow. That’s the perfect time for an Old English 800 forty -- and don’t forget to tip some for da’ homies, yo. If O.E. isn’t your thing you can always take to the offensive and grab an AK-47 malt liquor. They’re both sure to bust a cap in your ass.

While tarring a prison roof: Bohemia-style beer

 

Just ask the men at Shawshank; “And that's how it came to pass that on the second-to-last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of forty-nine wound up sitting in a row at ten o'clock in the morning drinking icy cold, Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself.

First Day as a NARC Detective: Heisler Hefeweizen

When it’s your training day and you find yourself playing cards with some seedy gang members, Heisler Hefeweizen would be the of cerveza of choice. Hopefully you’ll get through a few of these Californian beers before they turn on you, take you to the bathtub and try to blow your head off with a shotgun.

 

No particular reason:

 

What time is it? Beer-thirty. Miller time. Whatever. This is your choice. Whatever you like to drink. If you like Pale Ales, Lagers, or Porters it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s a micro, macro or home brew, drink what you like and make a toast to all your fellow beer drinkers and smile. Enjoy your beer and chug it down. Just thank God you didn’t live during Prohibition.

Dessert: Chocolate and Chocolate mint stout, Cherry Ice

 

Candy or pie isn’t your cup of tea for dessert? Try a Chocolate or Chocolate mint stout. If you don’t like that mix, there’s always a Cherry Ice beer. Both are sure to satisfy your after-dinner sweet tooth.