The Pros and Cons of a Naked Olympics

While the notion of an all-nude Olympiad may seem far-fetched, let’s not forget the original Olympics included male athletes that rolled around naked with other men so often they would have made Richard Simmons look like Rambo (although these days the two are looking an awful lot alike anyways). Due to the fact that roughly 98% of the readers, including myself, would rather watch an 18-hour Golden Girls marathon than see naked dudes in action, this exercise will focus entirely on events featuring those of the feminine persuasion. But let’s get this straight; the purpose of this article is not only to breakdown which events contain good nudity versus bad nudity, but more importantly to reveal which spandex-free endeavors would be the cream (so to speak) of the crop…were they to exist. I also hope to smash the record for most euphemisms for vagina in one article. Here goes nothin’.

Naked: The Good

BRONZE MEDAL: Synchronized Swimming

Hot, wet and naked is not only how I eat corn on the cob, it’s also a recipe for a sudden rush of blood to the groin. The only drawbacks to synchronized swimmers are the nose plugs, which make them look like they just visited Joan Rivers’ House O’ Plastic Surgery, and the bathing caps, which send out the ever so slight Britney-Spears-gone-crazy-and-shaved-her-head vibe. Other than that, you have a whole team of satiny-loined beauties writhing and splashing about with their legs split like a pair of queens at a blackjack table. Easily one of the crotchiest of all Olympic events, it’s also a well-known fact that swimmers have some of the nicest flesh-wallets around. Synchro gets even more hotness points for the chance, regardless of how slim, that teammates may engage in lascivious underwater touching, leading to some orgiastic girl-on-girl action. The only other requirement is that the routines are performed to the sultry sounds of “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, “Hot For Teacher” and “Girls, Girls, Girls”.

SILVER MEDAL: Figure Skating

Like Gumby in the microwave, these ladies are hot and bendy. Combine that with the graceful ease with which they glide across the ice and you’ve got yourself one hell of a titillating competition. The chilly surroundings would ensure the skaters’ nipples could carve through plexi-glass, and the majority of their moves either start, revolve around, or finish with their perfectly toned legs contorting to reveal a picturesque bulldog lip. This dizzying concoction of beauty, agility, elegance and exposed labia would result in a jammed arena and massive TV ratings every night. The only caveat for this event would have to be the automatic disqualification of any Eastern European woman that fails to conform to the strict new “hirsute policy”. I would also suggest changing the name of the “triple toe loop” to the “camel toe loop," but that’s neither here nor there.

GOLD MEDAL: Balance Beam

To win gold, an event must contain jaw-dropping amounts of pink canoe along with a healthy dose of rabid sexuality. The balance beam pulls off this exquisite combo to perfection, as no other Olympic apparatus is even remotely as phallic in stature or use. With its giant, leather covered, wang shaped exterior, the ladies alternate prancing across it and grinding their ninja slippers against its dense shaft. With striking beauty and serpentine guile, the athletes manipulate their tool like a sorority girl on spring break. The picture perfect poses performed on the beam would put any lunch truck to shame due to the innate ability of the athletes to display their appetizing roast beef pitas. In the end, the entire song and dance amounts to nothing more than a scintillatingly nimble, five minute dry hump that would bring any man to his knees.

There will have to be some changes however, as many of the current competitors are around fourteen or fifteen years old and look like muscular ten-year-old boys. To make certain it isn’t the creepiest thing this side of Michael Jackson’s home videos, the event must be restricted to women nineteen or older with at least a B-cup. Apologies to R. Kelly and his harem.

Honorable Mention:

Snowboarding – Rad hotties exposing vertical smiles on the vertical ramp.

Trap/Skeet Shooting – Skeet, Skeet. Guns & nudity is, was and always will be hot.

Trampoline – The only way to improve bouncing nakedness would be to surround the tramp with a tank full of ill-tempered sharks.

Beach Volleyball – You need an explanation? Really?

Tennis – Could we maybe get Anna K. to un-retire?

Naked: The Bad

BRONZE MEDAL: The Luge

Let’s see: a naked broad hurtling down an icy mountain feet-first at breakneck speeds. Umm, no, no and no. First off, it pains me to contemplate jagged shards of glass-like ice invading a vajeen like ants on a chewed piece of gum. Secondly, breasts and g-forces just don’t mix. Most importantly however, there is nothing sexy about turning your pink taco into a wind-sock. The last thing I need to see is a pair of inflated meat curtains flapping down the mountain like Gilligan’s hat in a windstorm.  Congratulations to the Luge, you have managed to ruin nudity.

SILVER MEDAL: Boxing

Anytime two naked women come to blows (figuratively), it can’t be a bad thing can it? Well, usually women only bleed and swell once a month, but when these pugilistic poon-tangs start shuffling around the ring, you can expect hay-makers that reverberate through every cell in their body…not a pretty sight. Think a vat of Jello sitting in a massaging recliner. Ya, not attractive. Slow-dancing with the nauseatingly wobbly cellulite is the fact that most female boxers are more than just a stones throw away from feminine. Throw in a left cross, a right hook and a low blow to the bearded clam, and you’ve got yourself an unsettling blueprint for bad nudity. The only upside is it wouldn’t be overly difficult to rectify the situation. All you’d have to do is replace the butches with lipstick lesbians and toss the gloves in favor of pillows. Voila!

GOLD MEDAL: Weightlifting

YYou are probably better off renaming naked weightlifting to “this is what I would look like if I were shitting out a cannon ball." You would think that any sport utilizing the terms “clean and jerk” and “snatch” would be an un-plucked gem in the realm of nude athletics, but nothing could be further from the truth.  In all honesty, if men wanted to see vein-addled women straining, grunting and bulging from every orifice, we would probably spend a lot more time surfing the net for birthing videos. On top of the aforementioned heinous realities, it would be a safe bet to assume the majority of these gals are cycling some form of growth hormone which generally means even the nicest looking vaginas will be transformed into a tangled mess resembling a gutted hamster. Put those factors together and you’ve created a perfect storm of Bad Naked, a visual so repulsive it would turn Ron Jeremy to mush. For the purpose of our review however, the revolting appearance of distorted flesh and guttural groans is more than enough to fit this event with the Midas touch of bad nudity.

Honorable Mention:

Fencing – Not exactly the “poke in the whiskers” we’re looking for.

Hurdles – Probably could do without watching some ladies' south-mouth slapping up against inanimate objects at high speeds.

Hammer Throw/Shot Put – The only throwing a naked girl should do is “up” to keep herself thin.

Equestrian – Unless you’re into that you sick fuck.

Uneven Bars – Anytime tits are spinning and twisting that quickly, men will get the “boob spins”, marked by excessive sweating, frothing at the mouth and falling over.

Maybe the Naked Olympics was a bad idea after all. Sigh.