The Most Overpaid Players in Sports

Since only the team sports have things like salaries, you won't find a guy like Tiger Woods anywhere near this list.  He only makes as much money as he wins.  I suppose you could argue that some boxers get appearance fees bigger than they deserve, but nobody in that sport has been paid grotesquely out of proportion to their skill since Iron Mike hung up his gloves.  Remove all the team sports that barely get paid -- jai alai, lacrosse, dodgeball, super dodgeball, etc. -- and you're left with basketball, football, baseball, hockey and soccer.  Let's see what we've got.

Darius Miles, Portland Trailblazers

Drafted third overall in 2000 by the LA Clippers, Miles was supposed to be sort of a hybrid of Kevin Garnett and Moses.  Not Moses Malone.  Burning bush Moses.  He was to be the man who led the Clips out of lottery exile.  And yet, to this day, the word that most adequately defines Miles is "potential."  Or maybe it's "lazy."  Or maybe it's two words:  "ice cream."  You see, Miles was just good enough to fool the Blazers into thinking that he would suddenly come together mentally and be the player everyone always thought he could be.  Fast forward to now, and he's gained forty pounds after spending all of his post-microfracture surgery time eating Ben and half of Jerry.  Fortunately for him, he's getting paid over eight million dollars to do so.

Bryan McCabe, Toronto Maple Leafs

As hard a time as I have giving a spot on this list to anybody who plays a sport on ice with knives strapped to their feet, McCabe is one of the top paid players in hockey at $7.5 million this season, and yet the Leafs' defenseman is so prone to mental errors that Toronto fans have set up multiple websites for the sole purpose of shitting all over the supposed superstar.  Perhaps the most aptly named is mccabesucks.com.  Hopefully, the guy who started it has a high pain tolerance, because McCabe's contract runs another four seasons.

David Beckham, Los Angeles Galaxy

At $6.5 million, Becks is "earning" over twice the guaranteed money of Chicago's Cuauhtemoc Blanco, the second highest played player in MLS.  One could argue that the promotional aspects of Beckham's signing make his salary well worth it, but since ultimately sportsmen are paid to help their teams win, and Beckham barely played while "leading" his team to a failed attempt at securing a playoff birth.  Beckham wouldn't have come to America if he weren't well past his peak, but the Galaxy likely expected him to at least be fit enough to roll around on the field for a few games.  He didn't hit that benchmark this season due to injuries or, as I call them, a severe case of the lazies.

Steve Francis, Houston Rockets (giant checks signed by Portland Trailblazers)

After being drafted by the Vancouver Grizzlies and refusing to report to them, effectively hammering the final nails into the coffin of that city's NBA future, "The Franchise" became a quasi-superstar in Houston before parlaying his successes into one the largest contracts at that time allowable by the NBA.  This is the second of three NBA players on this list, a function of the fact that multi-year player contracts in the league are fully guaranteed, which is not the case in any other major sport. 

So, once Franchise no longer had any more dollar signs to work toward, his play fell off a cliff, his relationship with his teammates fell off a cliff (except for one undying rumor about a... relationship... with current Rocket guard Cuttino Mobley), and eventually he was traded to Orlando who in turn traded him to New York -- where bad contracts go to die -- who eventually traded him to Portland, who released him.  He has now resigned with the Rockets, but he's still collecting on that enormous contract from the Trailblazers, one which was originally given to him by his current team.  It's like a snake eating it's own tail -- ouroboros -- except instead of a snake, it's Steve Francis, and instead of eating it's own tail, he's sitting on the bench collecting a paycheck so big it can talk.

Jason Giambi, New York Yankees

When the Yankees decided they wanted Giambi, George Steinbrenner did what he normally does in these types of situations:  he stopped swimming in his money vault just long enough to cut an over-huge check.  Seven years and a few steroid scandals later, Giambi is still being paid like he's a top five player in the sport while playing like he's just happy his enormous head hasn't broken his own neck under the strain.

Stephon Marbury, New York Knicks

The third and final basketballer on the list, Starbury may be the biggest waste of pure basketball ability in the history of the sport.  He's so talented that -- until this most recent stint with the Knicks -- teams have been willing to trade for him, unwieldy salary and all, simply because of his wealth of talent, and in complete contradiction to the fact that he has only played on two winning teams in his eleven year career.  Kevin Garnett played on one of those teams, Shawn Marion and Amare Stoudemire played on the other, and neither of them won more than 45 games.  It has gotten so bad with Marbury in New York that, in a recent game against the Milwaukee Bucks, the team came back from a 17 point deficit that was ignited by Marbury heading to the locker room with an injury.  Suddenly, without Marbury, the Knicks didn't suck anymore.  Such is the force of Marbury's suck.

Mike Hampton, Atlanta Braves

Hampton has been one of the most overpaid players in baseball every year since, I believe, time was invented.  He is probably the most successful example ever of a player who was able to parlay one very good season into a seemingly infinite series of headaches for whichever team he is that year a part of.  For the past five seasons, that team has been the Atlanta Braves, but the sting has been reduced somewhat the past two years by his incessant absence -- out of sight, out of mind.  Mike Hampton, despite earning close to $30 million dollars the past two years, has not thrown a pitch for the major league ballclub.  Funnier still, he's off to another great start this year, as he recently pulled a hamstring in his first inning of work in a Mexican Winter League rehab assignment.  There's even a movement afoot to change the word "injured" to "Mike Hampton."*  "Oh, did you hear about A-Rod?" People will say.  "He's Mike Hampton for the next month.  He slipped after peeling a banana and carelessly tossing it in his own path."

Or, better yet, "Mike Hampton will go on the Mike Hampton list for the rest of the year.  This is the latest in a long series of Mike Hamptons for Mike Hampton... Mike Hampton has yet to play a game in the past three seasons due to being Mike Hampton."

Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons 

While some might consider it "cheap" to include Vick on this list just because he happens to be serving a prison term rather than playing football, I would counter that argument by saying 1) he still signed his giant contract with the idea that he'd fulfill it by playing football, not by going to prison and 2) he was exciting to watch, but he wasn't really a good enough player to earn his contract even if he was actually playing football.  Falcons ownership is in the process of trying to recoup some of the $37 million in guaranteed money they gave Vick when he signed his contract.  Vick is in the process of being in fucking prison. 

I can't entirely blame Vick, though.  I've encountered some smart-mouth dogs that I've really wanted to fight, but I thought better of it.  Wait, what's that you say?  He had them fight each other?  Where's the satisfaction in that?

* Starting now.