The Modern Man's Guide to Getting Out of Work
June 20, 2012 - 9:00 am | PermalinkTimes have changed. Taking a “sick day” from work isn’t as easy as it used to be, so here are a few tricks you can use to play hooky and take a day off.
Sometimes you just need a day off. We've all been there. Maybe your boss is a jerk, maybe you hate your job, maybe you just want to spend the day on your couch eating children's cereal and playing Xbox. Even those of us who don't hate our work need to get a little R&R and take a three day weekend from time to time. But the world isn't the same as it used to be, and squeezing an innocent white lie past your boss is harder than ever. It's time to step up your game the next time you want to get out of work.
Please note that these tips omit the typical “dead grandmother” excuse. We're working on the assumption that, as far as your boss is concerned, everyone in your immediate family has already died.
Beware of the Internet
Let's get this out of the way first. How many times now have you heard about these schmucks who got fired for something they said on their Facebook or Twitter accounts? We're living in the Internet Age, and anything you put online can and will be read by your boss. Rule number one for the modern man who needs a day off is to not tweet about it. If you do, it's very possible you might actually be clinically retarded. In fact, if you want to really add a nice touch to a fake sick day, post something along the lines of, “Under the weather today. Will reply to emails tomorrow,” but your best bet is probably staying off the internet altogether.
So you're thinking, “Fine, I won't post anything on my Facebook. But it couldn't hurt to see if that chick I'm stalking posted any new pictures.” Amateur mistake. You do realize that most social networking services have some sort of an “online now” notification? Or even a “this person was last online at this time” displayed for all to see? Suppose someone from your work noticed you were online at two in the afternoon, when that's right around when you were claiming to have been vomiting your testicles out. Busted.
Reexamining the Classics: Common Diseases & Ailments
Face it. Everyone and their brother uses a cold as an excuse. You pinch your nose and try to make your voice sound ragged, call your work, and mutter something about a high temperature. And yet, you walk into work the next day as if nothing ever happened, and everyone knows you were full of shit. Not to mention that saying you have a cold isn't even remotely creative. You deserve better than that.
So, since the common cold is out, what's left? Well, here's what not to choose. You might think something exotic would be the way to go, since it would be so specific as to be believable, but you run the risk of people wondering if you're contagious. The flu is also not such a great choice, since if you're going for one day off, you face the same difficulties as with the cold (that you return to work just fine after supposedly having been sick with the flu the previous day). Basically, if you're shooting for a single day off, or even two, pick something that could legitimately have cleared up within that time frame.
Food poisoning is a great way to go. Most people have experienced it at one time or another in their life, probably after eating three day old Thai leftovers, and know that it will incapacitate the fuck out of you. And yet you can very possibly be back on your feet the next day as if nothing had happened. It's believable, people are sympathetic to it, and you don't have to pretend to blow your nose every five minutes when you do go back to work.
Need More Than One Day? Get a Fake Doctor's Note
Say you and your pals have decided to go out of town for a few days for a bromantic road trip. Problem is, you're supposed to work on some of those days. This is where planning ahead is going to really pay off for you. Beware – going the fake doctor's note route can take some effort depending on where you work and how strict of a company it is.
In the wonderful world that is the Internet, you have at your disposal all kinds of templates for fake doctor's notes. Some of which are very convincing. Unless, of course, you print them out on your old deskjet from 1998. If you want to step it up a notch, find a company (either locally or online) that sells customized stationary. Get yourself a pad of real-fake doctor's notes.
Couple of tips for beginners. If your handwriting is something that's frequently seen at work (as it would be in an office environment or something like that), get someone else to write the note for you. You might be wondering whether or not you should use a real doctor's name for the note – again, this depends on where you work. If your “business associates” wear hairnets, you're probably fine with something fake. Remember, if your boss ever calls a doctor's office to confirm whether or not you were actually there, he or she probably won't get much information. Doctor patient confidentiality is on your side here.
Already at Work and Want to Go Home? Piece of Cake.
So, what to do if you're at work and just can't handle another six hours of fighting the urge to go postal on your fellow employees? There's a very powerful technique you can use to get out of there in five minutes flat, no kidding. However, keep in mind that this isn't something you can do all the time, so save it for when you really need it.
Fake an emergency. It sounds so simple, right? You'd think so, but most people don't pull it off right. Usually this “emergency” involves a family member (such as children) needing them for something. Which is all well and good, but it's not personal enough. Your boss doesn't give a shit if your brother needs a ride to the hospital. So you need to pick something that 1. is important enough to warrant leaving, 2. directly involves you, and 3. something people can relate to.
Claim that you just got a call from your neighbors and that they just told you a water pipe burst in your back yard and water is spraying everywhere, and they can't get back there because you always lock your gates. Not dramatic enough for you? Maybe that same neighbor just called to tell you that they smelled something funny and that they think you might have a gas leak. Everyone knows that these things are possible, and nobody is going to challenge you for going home. Since your house might explode and all.
Please note that these tips omit the typical “dead grandmother” excuse. We're working on the assumption that, as far as your boss is concerned, everyone in your immediate family has already died.
Beware of the Internet
Let's get this out of the way first. How many times now have you heard about these schmucks who got fired for something they said on their Facebook or Twitter accounts? We're living in the Internet Age, and anything you put online can and will be read by your boss. Rule number one for the modern man who needs a day off is to not tweet about it. If you do, it's very possible you might actually be clinically retarded. In fact, if you want to really add a nice touch to a fake sick day, post something along the lines of, “Under the weather today. Will reply to emails tomorrow,” but your best bet is probably staying off the internet altogether.
So you're thinking, “Fine, I won't post anything on my Facebook. But it couldn't hurt to see if that chick I'm stalking posted any new pictures.” Amateur mistake. You do realize that most social networking services have some sort of an “online now” notification? Or even a “this person was last online at this time” displayed for all to see? Suppose someone from your work noticed you were online at two in the afternoon, when that's right around when you were claiming to have been vomiting your testicles out. Busted.
Reexamining the Classics: Common Diseases & Ailments
Face it. Everyone and their brother uses a cold as an excuse. You pinch your nose and try to make your voice sound ragged, call your work, and mutter something about a high temperature. And yet, you walk into work the next day as if nothing ever happened, and everyone knows you were full of shit. Not to mention that saying you have a cold isn't even remotely creative. You deserve better than that.
So, since the common cold is out, what's left? Well, here's what not to choose. You might think something exotic would be the way to go, since it would be so specific as to be believable, but you run the risk of people wondering if you're contagious. The flu is also not such a great choice, since if you're going for one day off, you face the same difficulties as with the cold (that you return to work just fine after supposedly having been sick with the flu the previous day). Basically, if you're shooting for a single day off, or even two, pick something that could legitimately have cleared up within that time frame.
Food poisoning is a great way to go. Most people have experienced it at one time or another in their life, probably after eating three day old Thai leftovers, and know that it will incapacitate the fuck out of you. And yet you can very possibly be back on your feet the next day as if nothing had happened. It's believable, people are sympathetic to it, and you don't have to pretend to blow your nose every five minutes when you do go back to work.
Need More Than One Day? Get a Fake Doctor's Note
Say you and your pals have decided to go out of town for a few days for a bromantic road trip. Problem is, you're supposed to work on some of those days. This is where planning ahead is going to really pay off for you. Beware – going the fake doctor's note route can take some effort depending on where you work and how strict of a company it is.
In the wonderful world that is the Internet, you have at your disposal all kinds of templates for fake doctor's notes. Some of which are very convincing. Unless, of course, you print them out on your old deskjet from 1998. If you want to step it up a notch, find a company (either locally or online) that sells customized stationary. Get yourself a pad of real-fake doctor's notes.
Couple of tips for beginners. If your handwriting is something that's frequently seen at work (as it would be in an office environment or something like that), get someone else to write the note for you. You might be wondering whether or not you should use a real doctor's name for the note – again, this depends on where you work. If your “business associates” wear hairnets, you're probably fine with something fake. Remember, if your boss ever calls a doctor's office to confirm whether or not you were actually there, he or she probably won't get much information. Doctor patient confidentiality is on your side here.
Already at Work and Want to Go Home? Piece of Cake.
So, what to do if you're at work and just can't handle another six hours of fighting the urge to go postal on your fellow employees? There's a very powerful technique you can use to get out of there in five minutes flat, no kidding. However, keep in mind that this isn't something you can do all the time, so save it for when you really need it.
Fake an emergency. It sounds so simple, right? You'd think so, but most people don't pull it off right. Usually this “emergency” involves a family member (such as children) needing them for something. Which is all well and good, but it's not personal enough. Your boss doesn't give a shit if your brother needs a ride to the hospital. So you need to pick something that 1. is important enough to warrant leaving, 2. directly involves you, and 3. something people can relate to.
Claim that you just got a call from your neighbors and that they just told you a water pipe burst in your back yard and water is spraying everywhere, and they can't get back there because you always lock your gates. Not dramatic enough for you? Maybe that same neighbor just called to tell you that they smelled something funny and that they think you might have a gas leak. Everyone knows that these things are possible, and nobody is going to challenge you for going home. Since your house might explode and all.
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