The Manliest Pets You Could Ever Own

Siamese Fighting Fish

Siamese Fighting Fish (known to the scientific community...pshaw...as "Betta Spendens") are gorgeous fish to keep in the old fish tank. Their colors are vibrant and their fins and long and lustrous. But that's not why you, the manliest of men, would buy a pair of these fish. You bought a pair of Beta males...and put them in the same TANK...to watch them viciously beat each other into a bloody pulp. But before things get too far, pull one of your Beta males out of the tank and put it into its own commode. Like the toilet...because these badass fish like it in the toilet. Trust me, I looked it up. No joke. They like toilets. Okay...I'm lying.

  

Snakes

Five year old kids have pet mice. Men feed their pet mice...to their pet snake. The snake has always been a manly pet for obvious reasons...because chicks are repulsed by them. I mean, how could they not be? They resemble biting, violent penises. And that's just too much for them to handle. Lame. Snakes don't just resemble penises...they resemble men themselves - fast, a bit rough at the edges, always a bit pissed off, they don't chew their food and they'll bite you for no reason. So just watch this video of a pet snake feeding...and tell me that doesn't make you want to go wrestle for a couple hours.

 

Tarantulas

I gotta admit. These guys are terrifying. I've always been afraid to even handle one. That's why mine died...also I stepped on it and beat it with a stick in my sleep. So you know if these spiders freak ME out...they've gotta be badass. Tarantulas are cheap pets to buy (which is perfect for spend thrift dudes like yours truly) and they feed on the coolest stuff - from small insects to mice and fish. But the coolest part is that they're an insect...but they've got hair. They're like God's ultimate practical joke...it's like if you shaved your little brother's head and glued his hair to a spider. And they're small so if you are a poor ass mofo (like myself) and live in a tiny apartment, you can still have a manly pet. Sahweeet.

 

A Doberman

My uncle was a doberman trainer. He would deprive them of food and then yell at them. That's not good. The dogs just ended up crazy. Dobermans, when raised well, are loyal to their owners and will bite the rear end off any intruder. They're like ninja dogs, all sleek, smooth and vicious when necessary. Also, there's nothing like bro'ing out with a dog. A spider won't lick you on the face after you feed it, for instance.

 

Iguanas

The "senior prank" at my high school was releasing a ton of iguanas in the school. Pretty lame, I know. Not because it's not shocking or anything...but what a waste of some amazing iguanas. Iguanas are probably the least vicious of the animals on this list. But they make the cut because of pure strangeness. They're like small dragons with loads of personality. Chicks won't like them at first but they'll grow to love the scaly monster. So if you've got a girlfriend, get one of these suckers. Just look at him playing with his reflection...what a nutty little beast.

 

A Bengal Cat

This is the least "pussy" of all the pet cats you could get (pun intended). Yes, all cats (aka kitties) are inherently skewed towards female ownership, but if you're whipped and have to get a cat, this is the kind to get. They're crossbred with tigers and they're incredibly expensive (some can go up to the thousands) but they're ridiculously bad ass, for a cat. This is no fat lap cat. Look at these things go!

 

A Venus Fly Trap

The cheapest and smallest of all the pets on the list, the venus fly trap is actually a plant, not a pet. But it's a carnivorous plant (what the...) which makes it sweet as all hell. A small assortment of venus fly traps will run you twenty bucks...sooo cheap...and soon all those flies you've got in your apartment on account of the dead old people you have buried under your floor boards will go away...so the police will be none the wiser. Shazam!

 

A Scorpion

If there's one pet that freaks me out the most on this list, it's this one. Yes, more than the tarantula. There's something incredibly alien and terrifying about a scorpion. It's like having a pet body snatcher or something. But...that's about as cool as you can get. There are some docile and kind scorpions, but they all look terrifying, and, as you will see from the video, you still have to handle your "pet" with gloves. That's crazy cool.