The Man's Guide to Survival in a Post-Apocalyptic World

November 18, 2013 - 7:26 am | Permalink

Strap on your tinfoil hats and gather around the campfire! Today we explore exactly what you need to do in order to survive the harsh conditions of a post apocalyptic world.

If we've learned anything from Hollywood and video games, it's that the post apocalyptic world is going to be rough. When it gets here, do you really want to be cannon fodder for zombies, a horrific disease, or the mighty wrath of mother nature? You probably don't, so it's time to stock up on plenty of canned foods (Spam is the official doomsday meat product), irradiated water, and weapons. Otherwise, you're not going to have the chance to repopulate the planet. Wouldn't it it be sweet if there was a plague that only took out ugly girls and men that were stronger than you? Wait, wait, we're getting off topic here. Let's look at three different post apocalyptic scenarios and exactly what you need to do in order to survive.

The Zombie Apocalypse



Ah, zombies. Who would have ever thought that the monsters of niche B-movies would evolve into the Hollywood starlets we know them as today. Maybe you've seen one too many episodes of The Walking Dead or played Resident Evil for several thousand hours in your childhood as this author did, but you know one thing for certain: the zombies are coming (and according to recent news reports, they may already be here). Here's what you're going to need to do to survive hordes of the undead:

1.) Aim for the head. As we've learned from zombie movies and video games, zombies can take a lot of bullets to the chest. Survivors keep plugging them with lead, but they keep groaning and shambling onward. However, a nice head shot usually puts them down for the last time. If you want to have a better chance of surviving a crowd of zombies, you might want to take some time down at the shooting range and improve your accuracy, or you could be dinner.

2.) Watch your back. Zombies always seem to take their victims from behind, not dissimilar to the mating habits of DoubleViking staff. Whatever you do, make sure that you check behind you from time to time when you're scavenging for resources in an abandoned shopping mall.

3.) Anyone could be infected. In just about any zombie movie, television show, or game, there's that one person who gets bit by a zombie and doesn't say anything to the group. Unlike herpes, you can't just ignore a zombie bite and hope it goes away. The only way to avoid having someone in your group turn into a zombie when you least expect it is to do regular visual exams of their bodies. All of it. Let's just hope your survivor group consists of you and a handful of Victoria's Secret models.

Alien Invasion Apocalypse



When the aliens get here, we're probably not going to be as lucky as Captain Kirk was and get to make sweet, sweet intergalactic love to them. The one thing that Hollywood usually gets wrong is the way aliens are probably going to look, and it ain't going to be pretty. Have you ever seen pictures of bizarre exotic bugs from Asia or Africa? Have you ever seen those Nature Channel shows about deep sea creatures that live so far under the surface that light can't even get there? Yeah, well, that's probably what aliens are going to look like. It's going to be a lot less Morena Baccarin from V and a lot more scary-as-fuck gigantic insects from Starship Troopers.

1.) Get a rocket launcher. At some point, you will undoubtedly have to use it to shoot an alien in its gaping maw or to shoot down a scouting space ship that's threatening to discover your camp. That, and if you have a rocket launcher, other survivors will be much less prone to try and steal your last can of baked beans.

2.) Learn how to kill them. Assuming the aliens have taken over the planet and essentially made humanity their bitch, you're going to have to learn how to fight back. Since they'll probably have some kind of impenetrable exoskeleton that normal bullets can't penetrate, you're going to have to get creative. If your rocket launcher doesn't do the trick, you might have to find a way up to their mother ship and destroy it from within. Of course, you'll probably have to sacrifice yourself in the process, but at least epic music produced by Clint Mansell will play in the background.

3.) Trust no one. In the event of a body-snatchers type scenario, even your closest friends could be aliens in disguise. Watch out for questions like, “Come on bro, tell me where the human resistance is hiding” or “I bet your large intestine would be delicious.”

Plague Apocalypse



Of all the Hollywood spins on post apocalyptic scenarios, the idea of a great plague or disease that wipes out the majority of humanity is probably the most frightening of them all, since it could actually happen. In fact, it has happened. The Black Plague is thought to have killed off 30 to 60 percent of Europe's population in the 1300s. And these people didn't have cars or airplanes, so the majority of that shit spread by foot. Imagine what it would be like if a pandemic of that nature occurred today; it would be much, much worse. Tinfoil hat on? All right, let's see what you can do to survive:

1.) Get the hell out of town. Major metropolitan areas are filled up with people. People who have caught the plague and won't think twice about coughing all over your vulnerable, healthy face. It's time to run for the hills where, hopefully, people haven't gotten to yet. Unfortunately, you won't be the only one with this idea, so whatever is left of the government has probably quarantined the city you'll be in. In that case...

2.) Escape government quarantine. Do you honestly trust the same people who run the DMV to protect you from a deadly virus that's killed 4 billion people? Your only chance to survive will be to escape. You might have to steal a uniform or cause a distraction (such as a riot) to make your way past the quarantine barriers and into the wilderness. Maybe grab a few porno mags on the way out, you'll need them.

3.) Stay away from people. Once you're out of any major cities, you had better hope you watched more than a few episodes of Man Vs. Wild before everyone started bleeding from their eyes and lord knows where else. You'll want to set up camp deep in the wilderness for the next few years until the disease is gone (then proceed to help repopulate the earth), or you're the last man alive (if you're Will Smith, don't get a dog).

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