06.18.08 From the Viking
The Life of a College Cocktease: Why Every Guy I Know Would Settle for a Becky Fischer Handjob
Written by Mr. America
What up, bitches?!?! Look, I really don't have much time to write this article (headed for frozen yogurt in 10 minutes!), but I'll try to lay down the basics. In a nutshell, every guy would settle for a Becky Fischer handjob, because Becky (that's me, bitches!) is like a holy grail with a vagina attached – a tiny, pretty vagina that smells like lavender and cinnamon. But of course, it's a lot more complicated than that.
I didn't just wake up one day with a lavender/cinnamon vagina, and I sure as shit didn't get it by sticking any spices down there. Fuck no. I worked for it. I practiced. I took care of my body. And over time, after years of growing increasingly fuckable, my vagina no longer smelled like vagina – it smelled like victory.
Bragging Rights
As I like previously outlined, I'm ridiculously hot – not only compared to the fat, busted chicks most guys hook up with, but even those who are in moderately good shape (ie. no acne, under 100 lbs, C-cup or higher). I know that some guys like to say that personality also contributes to hotness, but I'm pretty sure those guys are either total idiots or gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Also, although a handjob isn't the gold standard when it comes to hooking up, a Becky Fisher handjob is a different story – everything I touch, including weiners, turns to gold. And who wouldn't want to tell their friends they have a golden wiener?
Dry Spell
Guys are always complaining about their current dry spell, how long it's been since they had some sort of sexual encounter. Even if they've just boned a girl the previous night, she probably wasn't up to their “typical standards” (bullshit, LOL!), and they're already looking for a more attractive score. Obviously, I fall into this category, and even if he's not going to bone me, he will at least think he's going to bone me until the very last second (LOL!) – at which point he'll be begging me for a handjob!
I Have Tiny Hands
When guys around campus aren't whispering to each other about my ass, my tits, or my perfect fucking smile, they're usually commenting about my tiny hands – particularly the Jewish kids. Handjobs can be a scary ordeal for guys with tiny weiners, but thankfully, God blessed me with hands that normally belong to slutty Keebler elves or Smurfs. Some jealous bitches have said that my hands are “freakishly” small, but I personally like knowing that I could make Billy Crystal feel like Shaquille O'Neal. Plus, I think Smurfs are kinda hot – I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I used to masturbate to Papa Smurf when I was a teenager! ROFL!
Magellan Effect
Just like the explorer Magellan was the first person to discover something a while ago (I don't have time to Wikipedia it, sorry! LOL!), guys would kill to be the first person to discover a Becky Fischer handjob. To be honest, I'm not sure how good I would be at pumping a wiener (I don't “eat,” per se, and usually get tired after any strenuous activity). However, I imagine that guys will be so turned on by their “discovery,” that I won't have to do much pumping at all – I could just flick the wiener and it will probably explode into my eye. Good thing I don't wear contacts :)
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As for Ms. Fischer, she is exactly what is wrong with society. We as men should respect women so that they don't turn out like this...but instead respect themselves and their pretty va...va...va...ginaaaaaasssssss....ahem, sorry, and so that they will not have to give out handjo...jooo...jobbbbssss...ahem, sorry, to make themselves feel better...Becky, if you're reading this, I'll be happy to show you a better way to release your pain...I'll bring the razors!
Don't sweat it Tom, her hands aren't as tiny as she lets on, and she has some warts she picked up from her brothers.
And keep in mind that I know lots of deaf girls that gave darn good ones because its like their second nature (I think its have to do something with signing all time)
and tom really needs that hj *coughHitman* *cough Matty* just stick it in their shame hole tom!
Becky's all over the world though can eat shit and die, i too know way too many of them, and most arent 10's, which is really weird considering the college has more girls than guys... (i have been studying this anomally for 7 years, with no conclusive answers)
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