The Lies Cosmo Tells Women, Part II

On a regular basis Cosmo just flat out gives horrible advice. For example, in this month, Cosmo created a list on how to “Make Him Crave You.” If, as a woman, you can’t figure out how to turn a guy on, you have far bigger problems than anything a magazine can help you with.

Of course, when they compile these lists they never talk about communication. Why ask a question when you can just read a magazine then make an assumption? I don’t know about you, but when I want to learn what turns girls on I try something out and see what the response is--  or I just ask them. “Honey, do you like it when I eat chicken wings and don’t want wash my fingers, then come home and shove said fingers into your baby-maker?” We call that the “spicy flavor infusion” at my house.

Why talk though when you can just read a magazine and really screw up your relationship?

Time to examine another slew of lies that Cosmo is perpetuating.

What Cosmo says: Go Commando in Low-Slung Pants

"Make sure he finds out before you get home that night — drop your pencil, checkbook, or house keys, and make a strategic bend for his benefit."

What I say: Honestly, if you really want to do something daring, wear no panties with a skirt and give me a flash of your roast beef sandwich. Otherwise, I don’t equate the lack of underwear with sex, especially if we have been dating for a while. Personally I would just think that you didn’t do laundry or were really forgetful when getting dressed.

Plus, there is nothing cute about accidentally dropping something for attention when you are in a relationship. If you are a lady looking to get attention out in public from random men, by all means -- it works. But when you are in a relationship and have to strategically drop something to show off your goods, well, you need to reevaluate your plan of attack. I’ve seen your goods, I already like your goods, and you don’t need to tease me with your goods when I already know I will be seeing them later. When you drop something like that in public I just think that you're really clumsy.

What Cosmo says: Slip Him Some Tongue

When he leans in for his usual I'm-off-to-work peck on the lips, grab the back of his head with both hands, pull him against you, and slip him major make-out tongue.

What I say: Thanks for getting me hard before I have to drive to work. Why not just drop to your knees and blow me for thirty seconds and then pull my pants up?

This isn’t playing it coy or being seductive, which normally we would enjoy. Doing this is flat out being a cock tease and is the equivalent of cruel and unusual punishment.

What Cosmo says: Use Your Fingers

At a casual restaurant, lose the fork in favor of your fingers. Look him in the eye while you lick off any excess salt or sauce.

What I say: What guy doesn’t love the tease of oral sex? Why not suggest going to a rib joint for dinner so you can lick your fingers or order some phallic looking food that you can fake fellate? Picking up food off of your plate that is normally reserved for a fork just so you can do a premeditated lick isn’t sexy. It is embarrassing to know that the girl I am dating doesn’t know how to use silverware.

Let’s flip this around for a minute. If you were on a date with a guy that didn’t use his fork for a non-finger food and licked his finger after picking the food up wouldn’t you turn to you call your friends and tell them that you went on a date with a Neanderthal?

What Cosmo says: Get Chummy

Or better, borderline flirty with the cute bartender, doorman, or salesperson who's helping you.

What I say: YOU FILTHY CHEATING WHORE. This is one thing that I can’t wrap my head around. How is this going to turn me on? Nothing says hot steamy sex like watching you shamelessly flirt with another attractive guy.

This is honestly really screwed up, how does this not cause discontent in a relationship? How is this good advice? All this is going to do is lead to a black eye and an awkward situation at work when you have to come up with a story about tripping over the dog and falling down the stairs. Nobody wants that to happen.

You can read Kevin’s daily blog about wanting to have a threesome with Bea Arthur and Nell Carter at Pointlessbanter.net.