The “I Guess You’ve Gotta Get Yer Chick Something” Holiday Gift GuideDecember 12, 2006 - 1:21 pm |
Ugh…the “holidays.” Guess that means you gotta get your chick something, right? LAAAME!! I don't think chicks are worth it, dude. No way. But if you GOT a chick already, you're gonna have to get her something…or she's gonna cut you with her nail file or somethin'. WEAK!!! Well, since you have to get her something, we here at DV made it a little easier by picking out the lame crap you should get her. Here goes:
Corinne Bailey Rae CD: Corinne Bailey Rae is a super, super annoying “soul” singer, sort of like a less beastly looking Macy Gray. If you ever actually heard her music, you’d shit yourself at how annoying it is. But it’s the kind of thing that a chick would say repeated listenings to would make her “feel beautiful.” So get her the friggin CD. But get some earplugs too.
Designer T-Shirt: Undoubtedly, your chick has a favorite fashion label—is she a Prada fan (a whore whose rich daddy gets her anything she wants), a Versace fan (a whore whose rich daddy gets her anything she wants, and she’s from Miami) or is Gucci more her speed (won’t give it up…and her daddy gets her anything she wants). Well, you’re not as rich as “daddy,” but you can still be “in” with the broad. Just get a T-Shirt from her favorite designer; it’ll put you back like 60 bucks. Yes, $60 is too much for a T-Shirt, but $600 is too much for a PS3—and a PS3 won’t get you pussy. They haven’t released that game yet.
Scented Candles: You ever notice how there are some things you and your friends care adamantly about that just go over a woman’s head? Like, sports, comic books, rap music, or the merits of a blowjob. Well, chicks have their own set of things that just don’t even register on our radars. Scented candles is on that list. Dude, go to your girl’s place and actually look for candles. She’s probably got 20 of them. But she’d still like more. So get her some—it’d be like if your chick got you a Superman comic book; you’d be pleasantly shocked. I wish I could suggest a scent—but dude, like I said, this shit just goes right over my head.
A Cat: Yes, it’s the ultimate sign of being a whipped, bitch-ass pussy. I know, I know. But dude, check this out. Say you stayed out too late with your boys and you come to her place, expecting a blowout argument—guess what, bro? If she’s got a cat, it aint happening. She didn’t spend the whole night worrying where you were. She spent the whole night playing with a cat. Dude…it’s friggin’ amazing. This effect lasts about two months. So when it wears off, get her a new cat. Keep getting her new cats until her place smells like ass—then you’ll know it’s time for a new girlfriend.
Audrey Hepburn Movies on DVD: Whose your favorite hot chick—Pam Anderson? Jenna Jameson? Whoever you can find the most naked pictures of on the internet? Well, chicks like “hot chicks” too. But before you start researching the most comfortable orgy sex mats online let me tell you what chick your lady probably likes—Audrey Hepburn. Yeah…she’s the one who looks like a skinny dude. Not hot. But every chick fancies herself just like Audrey Hepburn—even if she’s 400 pounds. Here’s what I suggest—get your chick “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” on DVD, but keep a copy of Jenna Jameson’s “The Masseuse” at hand for some post-Hepburn sexpiration. That, or put on skinny jeans and eye makeup and start dancing around the room like a little bitch.
A Trip To Sephora: If you already know what Sephora is, it’s too late for you, old friend. You’re no longer a man—your testicles have receded into your throat. But for those who don’t know, Sephora represents all that is unholy in this world. It is a store that exclusively sells makeup and perfume. Yes, the two things that always make your chick’s “getting ready” routine span hours instead of minutes. Seriously, dude, Sephora is awful. If you wanted to make a haunted house that scares guy, just replicate a Sephora. All that being said, there is no effing way you could survive venturing inside the store alone. No way. But if you survive an hour in there with your girl, you’re probably getting pussy.
Now here is a list of gifts guys usually get women that women actually could give two shits about but pretend they like:
-Build a Bears
-Picture Frames with pictures you and her inside
Basically, chicks are the same as you, dude. They just like different things…and they expect you to get them everything, whereas no one’s gonna get you those baseball cards off eBay but you. Sucky, I know. Merry X-Mas. Get some poon tang.