The Folly of Lady-Led Comic Book Films

Barb Wire

Being huge Pamela Anderson fans, the thought of her [and her two luscious friends] bouncing around on the big screen excited us and gave us idiotically high hopes. Maybe the story would be good. Maybe she could really act. And maybe, just maybe, this movie would showcase a half-clothed-in-leather Anderson kicking ass. Sadly, this was not to be. First, the script sucked and Anderson actually protested the sex scenes and appearing topless. Apparently, the woman best known as either a Playboy centerfold or as a constantly-running lifeguard wanted to be taken seriously as an actress. We were shocked and the final product was nothing short of garbage.  It’s not even worthy of a 2 a.m. USA spot (Check the USA schedule if you don't believe us). Now: if we could only get them to release her sex tape for the IMAX, maybe she'd have another shot at big-screen success.

Catwoman

When, oh when, will Hollywood learn? The 2004 Catwoman movie had nothing to do with Gotham, Batman or any D.C. comic book, dooming it to failure from the start.  The climatic fight scene between Halle Berry and Sharron Stone is laughable at best and cry-able at worst. Usually this sort of…umm cat fight, would garner much interest, but it turned out worse than infected milk. Overall, it was an insult to Michelle Pfeiffer and all the other, more credible Catwomen preceding this abomination.

Elektra

After Jennifer Garner’s stint as Electra in Daredevil, Hollywood got the bright idea to do a spin off and give her her own movie. It must have sounded like a good idea to somebody, and since Garner squeezing herself in red leather pants and bustier really wouldn’t be that difficult to look at, we were all for it. But as much as we hate to admit it, everyone involved was wrong.  Like Barb Wire, not even some quality T&A could save this film. It makes us wish Bullseye would have taken better aim and taken her out in Daredevil, saving us the $9.

Ultraviolet

Ultraviolet is yet another movie with the same old formula. Hot babe (Milla Jovovich) + sexy outfits + crazy action = lame movie.  Bearing a weak story that seems a bit too much like Resident Evil (not just because it’s Jovovich) and an even weaker supporting cast, this movie is Ultra[lame/weak/boring/pointless/lametastic]. Enter “the weapon” Six, played by Cameron Bright, a creepy kid that is known for his blank stares and looks of utter confusion. Which is exactly what we had after this movie was finished.  Also while it played.  And as we entered the theatre.  We're not sure why we went to see this movie.  We think we were kidnapped.

Red Sonja

What do you get when you throw a cover model into the leading role of a movie? Torture without all the fun, that’s what. Red Sonja was Brigitte Nielsen’s first (and sadly, not last) attempt at acting in a motion picture. A horrible script and even worse acting makes this adaptation painful to watch. Even co-star Schwarzenegger himself has said it was the worst movie he ever made, and even threatens using it as punishment for his kids. You know a movie is bad when even the man who made Jingle All the Way hated it.

Bonus time!

Did you know that Marvel had her cast as the lead for She-Hulk? Here's the proof:

Thank God they never went through with it. 

Supergirl

Not wanting to be left out of the “Super-MAN” craze of the early 80s, Hollywood was bound and determined by its own hubris to give us Supergirl. Besides Helen Slater, nothing about this movie was “super,” to say the least.  Faye Dunaway played the evil witch Selena and the predictable and usual story lines followed. Supergirl comes to earth, learns she has powers, battles evil, almost dies and then saves the day. There, we just saved you two hours. Do google Slater in A House in the Hills, where she appears topless. It’s better than Supergirl, that's for sure.