The Best Cougars and Jailbait in Film History

The Cougars 

 

5. Jane Seymour, Wedding Crashers – Pop quiz hotshot! Do you become a  motorboating son of a bitch with this hot mom when she surprises you in your room, or do you mind your manners and walk a straight line in order to get in good with the oh-so lusty Rachel McAdams? Trick question. If you’re Owen Wilson, you do both. Cop a feel from Mrs. Leary and her new cans before you go downstairs for some mild flirting with Claire on the front porch. 

 

4. Verna Bloom, Animal House – With a husband like Dean Wormer, can you really blame her for her wandering eyes? It’s always the ones with the uptight husbands that like to mix things up with the younger boys. Not only is Otter’s seduction scene with her in the grocery store hysterical, it’s also informative. Cucumbers anyone? We know our theorem is proven correct during the parade when a certain thumb accidentally ends up a certain place it shouldn’t be.

 

 
3. Kathy Baker, Edward Scissorhands – Really? Suburban boredom has gotten so bad that you’re willing to seduce the pasty freak with fucking scissors for fingers? Really? You start off the movie trying to get on the dishwasher repairman and then rile Johnny Depp up enough to give him an Ed Wood-y. Really? Actually, I kinda wish she lived in my neighborhood back when I needed to come of age.

 

 
2. Jennifer Coolidge, American Pie – Much like the shark in Jaws, Stiffler’s mom is much talked about, but not seen during the first two acts of the movie. Then in the third act, she strikes with a vengeance. This is one tasty MILF who likes her men likes she likes her scotch – seventeen years old and mixed up with coke. Okay, we made that part up – but she was still worth a throw.

 

1. Anne Bancroft, The Graduate – Honestly, was there ever any doubt who would top the list? Mrs. Robinson is so iconic that she almost made it cool to bang your mom’s best friend. I’m sure repressed housewives everywhere love Mike Nichols for knocking down that particular taboo. But perhaps the most shocking secret of the film is Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman (her young lover) were only separated by four years in real life.

 

The Jailbait 

 

 
5. Juliette Lewis, Cape Fear – Admittedly, she never had control of any situation that she was in with creepy Max Cady. However, there is something erotic and very disturbing about the thumb-sucking scene that we can’t quite put our finger (bad pun alert!) on. Maybe we should leave this entry alone before we end up on a psychiatrist’s couch. Moving on then…

 

 
4. Denise Richards & Neve Campbell, Wild Things – In the end, things go horribly wrong for conservative teacher Matt Dillon. But really, who gives a shit? Two hot girls + a seedy motel room + a bottle of champagne = better than a night in Bangkok. Add to the fact that you get Denise to wash your car in a see-thru outfit. Hey Satan, how fast can I sign my soul over to you?

 

 
3. Mena Suvari, American Beauty – This foul temptress went from uptight choir singer in American Pie to hot-as-hell cheerleader in American Beauty in the same year. First things first, God bless America. Second, we hate CGI roses – they tend to cover up the naughty bits a little too well. At least, we get the payoff on the couch where we are reminded why 5 to 10 in the state pen might be worth the crime.

 

 
2. Reese Witherspoon, Election – Anything we say here will never be able to sum up this home wrecker better than the character in the movie she ruins. And that is this, “Her pussy gets so wet.” When that line was delivered in the theater, you could visibly see every guy shake his head in surprise, and then begin to wonder if it was true. Worse yet, Whitherspoon’s Tracy Flick wasn’t satisfied in ruining just her sugar daddy’s life, she had to take his best friend (played by Matthew Broderick) down too. Just vicious!

 

1. Sue Lyon, Lolita – Again, probably not a big shock. But any character that can influence a song by The Police, a terrible remake, a watered-down rip-off starring Alicia Silverstone, and Amy Fisher has to get top billing. Lo has quite a pedigree too. A book written by Vladimir Nabokov, a film directed by Stanley Kubrick, starring James Mason and Peter Sellers, and those infamous heart-shaped sunglasses. Without a doubt, she is the most dangerous female on this list.