The Baddest Bottle Openers on the Planet

By Brendon Lindsey on June 21, 2007 - 8:00 am | Permalink

If you're anything like me, you like to drink beer, but you're fed up with the lengths you have to go to open the damn things. Walk ten feet? Are you serious? Open a drawer? It's too much. Here are ten very special implements you'll want to keep directly on your person. Whenever and wherever festivity presents itself, you'll be lying in wait like a beer-opening snake, ready to strike.

Eat, Open, Drink


If you're like me, you hate nothing more than switching utensils while eating.  Putting that fork down in the middle of dinner in order to grab something else is an indignity you shouldn't be forced to suffer.  That's why the spork is so popular (apart from the great name).  Ever get frustrated because you wanted a drink but didn't want to stop eating to open it?  Worry no more!  With this bottle opener/fork combination (bottle forkener?  fottle openork?  borkle fopener?) you can dig in, fill your mouth with food and, while chewing, easily open your beer to wash the dinner down.  All it needs now is a slightly more curved face to add spoon-functionality and a sharp blade on the side for dicing your food/enemies.  Do it all.  Never change hands.  Welcome to the future. 

 

It's What Our Ancestors Did 

 

Nothing says "man" like working with tools and knocking back some cold ones with the other guys.  Now you crack a cold one mid-swing with this combination hammer/bottle opener.  Drive some nails, open a beer, and then laugh as you try to nail wood again only to smash Neil in the face with the hammer.  Now, this bottle opener does diminish the normal nail-removing function of the hammer, but when you can drink and work with the same tool, the alcohol will ensure you don't even notice those messed up nails.  Not only will this make fixing the leaky roof on a hot day more fun, it'll turn you into a Jesus-level carpenter at the same time.  

 

“That's Not a Bottle Opener.  Now That's a Bottle Opener.” 

 

I don't know who exactly came up with the idea to put a bottle opener on the back-end of a combat knife, but may God bless them.

What better way to show others how manly you are than to kill something with a knife and then -- in the same motion -- open a celebratory beer?  Just imagine the possibilities!  You can go into a bar, and when they ask if you're carrying any weapons, you can honestly say, “Just my bottle opener,” and get in.  When the angry drunk challenges you to a fight and takes out a tiny switchblade, just think of how badass it will be when you say, “That's not fair. At least let me use my bottle opener,” and then whip this bad boy out.  Sure, being intoxicated and using a sharpened killing tool may be “dangerous” and result in a few “accidents,” but at least it will be easier to convince the authorities you were drunk at the time when they witness a demonstration of your bottle opening capabilities down at the station.

 

Like Superman, But With a Problem

 

This one makes the list due to the convenience factor and possibilities for showmanship rather than for being downright cool.  You may think there's nothing flashy about having a bottle opener on your ring, but then you'd be wrong.  There's a reason you're reading this, pal!

Take this scenario, for example:  you're at a party and a hot chick is struggling with a beer.  You walk over and say, “Let me take care of that for you,” grabbing the bottle. “But... it's not a twist cap," she says.  "Don't you need an opener?”  Laughing, you grab the cap with your hand and in one smooth motion rip it right off the bottle.  Handing it back to her, you mumble, “Nah, I'm good,” and walk away.

Of course, 9 out of 10 guys would probably make a complete and utter fool (or jackass) out of themselves pulling that stunt.  But for the one guy who can pull it off and look cool, that girl is his for the rest of the night.  Just make sure you don't wear this ring on your left hand.

(That brings up another interesting idea regarding wedding rings and their practicality... but that's neither here nor now.)

 

Nothing Says “Drunk” Like Talking Megalomaniacal Babies 

 

I admit it, this one is just something I personally like.  As a huge fan of Family Guy, having a talking Stewie Bottle Opener just seems like a good idea that I should've thought of myself.  This bottle opener comes with five Stewie phrases, including, “Who the hell do you think you are?!” and “Thank you.  When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless!”

Not only will you and anyone you drink with be entertained by Stewie's lovable antics, but it's also a great reminder as to why some guys drink in the first place.  I'm still not sure if getting drunk while constantly looking at a baby is a wise decision, so I'd like to have some test subjects volunteers try that out -- just to make sure it wouldn't make me do something I'd later regret. 

 

Just Don't Mistake It For the Ice Dispenser 

 

This bad boy uses a high strength magnet to hook to your fridge, allowing you to pull out a cold one and open it up without wasting a step.  Not only does it have enough sticking power to allow you to rip off a bottle cap, it's also equipped with the ability to make any cheap fridge from Wal-Mart, Goodwill, Target or K-Mart look fancy and expensive.  It's practical, and it will make your girlfriend/wife/significant other shut up about getting a nicer looking fridge. (And if it doesn't, just stick this to their back—it should hold due to the large metal rod up her ass.)

 

Giggity Giggity Goo!

 

Another combination bottle opener.  This time, though, it's even better than hammers, knives or rings!  It's a belt buckle/bottle opener!  I'm not sure if you're meant to take off the belt to open bottles or open the bottles while wearing it, but either way makes for a good time.  You're either using your hip motions to open a beer for a lady or you've got an excuse to take off your belt. Win-win?

 

Opening Sweet 

 

Soon, everyone will be rushing to merchandise Halo 3.  There will be sodas, MP3 players, clothing, commercials, billboards and most likely a few random body surfaces (thanks to eBay).  Why not beat them to the punch and use the biggest, baddest Spartan to open your beer for you?  Nothing says manly like forcing a manlier man to be your bitch.  It's remedial Prison Theory.  Just be wary of the fact that people might not know this is a bottle opener, so be prepared for 12 year-old Halo fanboys marveling at your kewl keychain. 

 

The First Rule of Fight Club... 

 

I'm not an idiot—I know you can't use these as a real pair of knucks... unless you have no thumb!  For the thumbless out there, this gives you a nice combo brass knuckles/bottle opener, allowing you to knock anyone-who-makes-fun-of-your-unfortunate-fate the fuck out, and then enjoy a cold one.  You can also make up a cool story about how you cut off your thumb just to use this, rather than the true, lame story about getting frostbite after getting locked out of your house while your parents were living it up at Fuddruckers or some such bullshit.

For you two-thumbers out there, this will at least look badass (more so than a keychain), and -- who knows? -- maybe you can trick your drunk friend into putting them on.  Who'd be more seriously injured:  the guy being punched, or the guy forcing his thumb into a bottle opener by punching someone?

 

A Look into the Future... 


Cool Beer Bottle Opener - Watch the top videos of the week here

 

This wouldn't be very practical to carry around to parties or take outside, but I don't care:  I want one anyway.  Honestly, using a traditional bottle opener isn't that much of a chore, but we're American, damnit!  The easier the better!  If I can open a bottle by just lowering a cylinder over it, I want to not even have to do that!  I want the cylinder to lower itself!  While we're at it, why are we even spending the time focusing on bottle openers, anyway?  We should be spending this time doing something more productive, like figuring out a way to hook up beer to an IV and pump it straight into our systems without causing death or some other horrible side effect.  We can get a man to the moon, but we can't inject beer into our systems?  Disgusting.  Maybe the Commies won after all. 



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