The Anatomy of A Cheapshot

Considering the recent transgressions of Chris Simon, Jordan Tootoo, Kobe Bryant and Ric Flair, it was time somebody addressed this hostile epidemic before it destroys the naïve general public’s illusion of high caliber athletes. What we fans want is good, clean, unbridled violence, not the sporting equivalent of slipping ruhypnol into the Diet Sprite of a down-syndromed prom date.

Let’s take a stroll down the grade two path (and not in the Michael Jackson sense) and use the 5 W’s and one H to finally get to the core of “the cheapshot phenomenon”.

WHO

Cheap shot artists have always been the marginally talented, moderately deformed, do whatever it takes to win type players. While not highly touted, every team had one, and the championship teams had particularly good ones. Think Claude Lemieux, who would cross-check the anthem singer in the oesophagus, if he thought it would help his team win.

I’m not sure what shifted the tides, but these days it seems even the stars are getting their Artest on. Whether it’s Kobe dishing out the elbow du jour or Bertuzzi doing his best impersonation of Dr. Kevorkian, If something’s not done, it’s only a matter of time before a big name star pulls the still-beating heart from an opponent’s chest and eats it.

WHAT

The online dictionary describes a cheap shot as “an illegal and unsportsmanlike act of unnecessary violence”. While that paints a pretty vague picture, it does a fine good job capturing the crucial components: illegal, unsportsmanlike and violent. To add a touch of depth, here now is a list of infractions that are deviant enough to qualify as “cheap shots”. 

Sucker punch, blind-side, eye gauge, hit and run, hit from behind, any groin shot, “the Hopoate”  (pronounced Hop-o-watt-eh), butt end, knee on knee, clip, chip, chop block, gotchee, wedgey, wet willy and most “yo momma” jokes. Or, all of the above. 

WHEN

A cheap shot can be dealt at any time, requiring only that it comes as a surprise to the victim. Whether it’s from behind, or your opponent isn’t expecting a knee to the scrotal region, the element of surprise is essential to a good cheap shot. Often times, a cheap shot is retaliatory, whether for something that has just happened, or as a repercussion from a prior act. The other instance when a cheap shot may occur is in the rare instance when the perpetrator is crazier than the shit-house rat and simply enjoys what Clubber Lang liked to refer to as “bringing the pain”.

WHERE

There is only one golden rule in terms of “where” as it relates to cheap shots. KEEP IT IN THE FIELD OF PLAY!!! This unwritten code has been broken on occasion, however when it does get shattered, leagues have no choice but to come down hard. Making matters worse, this is also generally the only time the curly-tailed buzz-kill known as the law swoops in faster than Rosie O’Donnell on a buffet table. The basis of this rule comes down to this:  violence outside of the arena turns a gladiator into a thug, and reminds fans they’re only 250 pounds of crazy away from the painful transition between obnoxious heckler and hospital patient. That’s not to say there aren’t times when an athlete's desire to smash an unruly fan isn’t warranted, but professional sports organizations just aren’t partial to bar brawls.

WHY

There are literally thousands of reasons to dole out a cheap shot, with all but a very select few completely uncalled for and unwarranted. I’ll let you decide from the following list which ones, if any, are justifiable.

Payback, reasons for which include: disrespecting you, your wife, your kids or your momma, taking out your most talented teammate, taking liberties with you (i.e., looking at you weird, talking to you in a surly tone, trying to ram their digits up your jaxi), spitting on you, hurling racial slurs like “Eskimo” or “Gypsy”, fathering a child with your wife, sister, daughter or momma, general insolence.

Sending a message, including: “You’ll never defeat us”, “Bitch, you ain’t shit”, “Oh, no you di-int”, “We’re dirtier than Paris Hilton’s ‘i-vibe rabbit”, “You may want to have your prostate looked at”, “Stop glaring at my wife, the colossal whore”, “Dude, your lack of oral hygiene is an affront to the dental community”, “This cheap shot brought to you by McDonalds: I’m lovin’ it”! . 

Taking Someone Out, including: star players, royal pricks, the lazy-eyed or cleft-chinned, drunk fans, relatives, in-laws, asshole coaches, camera men, the panty-less cheerleader that gave me crabs, the bully or the guy who yaps like Rachel Ray on speed. 

Lastly, perhaps you were just the type of kid who used to crucify toads in the forest and throw hammers at their stomach to see what came out. Or not.

HOW

It gives me great pleasure to present my top 3 cheap shots of all time. Feel free to add your own.

As you can see, foul play and unmitigated goonery have been around since the inception of organized sport. For me though, just like 25 years' worth of trans fat, cheap shots and cheap shot artists will be near to my heart forever.