The 10 Most Kick-Ass Video Game Weapons

By Eddie Rocco Inzauto on June 05, 2007 - 10:30 am | Permalink
Almost universally, video games revolve around some sort of conflict and, more often than not, it is at least somewhat violent.  Therefore, I have compiled a list of some of the most ass-kicking ways to put the hurt on your opponents.  The following weapons have whoop-assery written all over them, and they make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you actually get to use them - and then again while you watch your enemies cry.

10)  Laptop Gun - Perfect Dark

What's better than a cutting edge laptop that can run Windows 2020 and offer incredible performance in gaming and other high-end PC applications?  It's that very same laptop with the additional ability to turn into a fully automated machine gun turret.  Both powerful and accurate, the laptop gun -- even without the turret function -- is one of the better rapid fire weapons in the game.  Tossing it somewhere where it can do all the work by itself, mowing down the competition mercilessly and continuously, is just the icing on the cake.  It's like having a partner who never runs out of ammo and always blasts the shit out of everyone - and you can't help but laugh at your opponents' misfortune when he does.

 

9)  Kuribo's Shoe, aka. "The Boot" - Super Mario Bros. 3

Stolen from a goomba, the Kuribo shoe allows Mario and Luigi to crush just about anything.  It's even tough enough to cruise the tops of black piranha plants; it renders the plumber brothers nearly invincible.  It's only available in a single level in the entire game, but that's because "the boot" would cause even Bowser to vomit his own heart and watch hopelessly as the boot stomped into a puddle of blood and bile.

 

8)  Cerebral Bore - Turok 2

Aim.  Lock on.  Fire.  Watch the homing drill fly toward its target.  Watch it latch onto the target's head.  Watch blood and brains splatter as the drill bores into the target's skull.  Watch the target die a horribly painful and gruesome death.  Such is the way of the Cerebral Bore, and that is why it is one of the most kick-ass weapons in gaming.  Let's face it:  drilling into an enemy's head is awesome.  It's just too bad that you can't keep them alive and fuck with them by stimulating certain points with electrodes like your own personal sci-tech marionette.  That would land bump it up a few notches.

 

7)  Red Shell - Mario Kart 

It may not seem the manliest of weapons, it is definitely one of the most deadly.  Equipped with some sort of homing device, this thing will relentlessly chase your adversary until either A) that particular driver is obliterated or B) it gets taken out by some other intercepting object.  The sound of a red shell is enough to make even the most seasoned veterans sweat, and there is absolutely nothing like carrying an arsenal of three of them around the track with you.

 

6)  Shotgun - Any Game with a Shotgun

In every shooting game, there is one standby that will never let you down.  It's the gun you always find yourself going back to, and the gun that blows the living shit out of anything you point it at.  Plain and simple, the shotgun has balls.  Whether it's leaving gaping holes in your enemies' chests, blowing off their heads or splattering them into oblivion at point blank range, the shotgun gets the fucking job done.

 

5)  Queen - Any Chess Game

Bear with me and save your jokes about how this is "the real cerebral bore."  While she may not have originated in the world of videogames, the Queen has made the transition very well.  She still unleashes the fury from just about anywhere on the board, and has been known to eat bishops for breakfast and shit out pawns.  While some may argue that the Queen is, in fact, a character in the game of chess, they are simply WRONG.  That wench is your fucking TOOL OF DESTRUCTION, and that's the reason why any of your bitch ass pawns that make it to the final rank turn into Queens.  There's just no other choice.

 

4)  AWP - Counter-Strike

Counter-Strike players know and fear the deadly thunder that is the AWP.  Once you hear the crack and echo of this gun, you know to protect your fucking neck.  This sniper rifle is so bad-ass that it will drop terrorists and CTs in a single shot and will easily penetrate walls, boxes, etc., on its way to penetrating your SKULL.  At the highest or lowest level of play, the AWP is THE gun to use in CS, and is often banned by players because it's "too good."  Damn right it is.  It's better than YOU, you frightened pansies.

 

3)  Chicago Typewriter - Resident Evil 4

While another gun in RE4, the Handcannon, has both the coolest name and the most powerful shot, the Chicago Typewriter is the stuff dreams are made of.  It fires bullets at the rate of a machine gun and with the power of a sniper rifle.  It wouldn't even matter who used it.  You could equip an Olsen twin with one of these, and an entire auditorium full of zombies wouldn't stand a chance.  The aftermath of a Chicago Typewriter party is the replenishment of all the blood banks on the east coast - not something I'd like to be on the receiving end of.  I prefer to laugh maniacally while holding the trigger down.

 

2)  Farsight XR-20 - Perfect Dark

If the AWP enables you to pwn opponents with the ease of taking candy from a baby, then the Farsight is like having a stable of servants beating up schoolchildren, taking their lunch money, and buying you gourmet meals that they serve to you on a golden platter - in bed.  This gun is so ridiculous that it's nearly impossible NOT to win with it in your possession.  It sees through walls, automatically follows targets and kills in one shot.  That's one shot in the head... or in the fucking toenail.  It doesn't matter.  If fear could be bottled and sold, it'd be lubricant for the Farsight.

 

1)  Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator, aka. "Gravity Gun" - Half-Life 2

Hmm, let's parse the abilities of this weapon:  it can grab ANY object from almost any distance and hurl it at your enemies, rendering them crippled or dead.  That sounds like a winner.  The Ravenholm level alone is enough to tip the scales in the gravity gun's favor; nothing beats shooting huge radial saws at zombified freaks at high speeds.  The kills are a sight to behold and feel utterly satisfying.  Let's not even mention the fact that later in the game, the gun can grab and launch full-grown men in armor, usually relieving them of their pitiful lives before ever making contact with any surface.  Yes, it's that powerful.



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