Ten Steps To De-Lesbifying The Lesbian

But before we begin, you must understand one thing – de-lesbifying the lesbian is just like eating the perfect TV dinner. As such, this guide is broken into four parallel sections – selection, preparation, consumption and, finally, digestion.

SELECTION 

1. Choosing the right box. 

When you select a TV dinner at the supermarket, you better be sure as shit you know what you’re getting. It’s very easy to miss the byline of ingredients that completely changes the nature of the dinner. Similarly, when selecting a lesbian, it’s always best to confirm that she does, in fact, munch vagina on a regular basis. This confirmation, or lack thereof, can save you countless hours of ineffective courting.  

2. Justify the box to yourself. 

Before you decide to move forward with your TV dinner, make sure you understand (and are cool with) why you’re not choosing an alternative form of nourishment. Filet mignon, vanilla pudding, or Fruit by the Foot for example. Similarly, before moving forward with your lesbo, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons – is it because you like a challenge and think she’s hot/cool or is it because you know she’s never seen a dong and won’t realize that yours is relatively tiny? 

3. Handling the box with care. 

Just like you need to be careful about not dropping/damaging your TV dinner in transport, you must always be cognizant of your lesbian’s delicate state. As you begin the wooing process, it’s likely that she will become quite confused, asking herself questions about her emerging affinity for dong and wondering how a dong down her throat might complicate her identity (note: If she asks about this dong down the throat scenario, just tell her that it would make her look pretty). While you certainly can (and should) pressure your lesbian to change for your own convenience, you must not apply pressure to a point where it backfires – even if she starts loving the idea of your dong, you must never count your pubic hairs until they hatch.  

PREPARATION 

4. Taking the box home. 

Before you can consume your TV dinner/lesbo, you need to take it/her home. Although this seems like a simple enough step, it is absolutely critical in the de-lesbification process and must not be overlooked. By bringing the lesbian back to your home, you have established an implicated level of intimacy and whether or not she realizes it, the bedroom is never more than a few steps away.

5. Making sure the box is comfortable. 

When you bring home your TV dinner, you need to put it in the freezer until you’re ready to eat it. The freezer, if you will, is where the dinner feels most comfortable. In parallel, you must do whatever necessary to make your lesbo feel comfortable – whether it be pouring her a glass of wine or flipping on some recorded episodes of The Ellen DeGeneres Show. If you haven’t already, this might also be the appropriate time to come clean with your lesbian about your desire to fuck her brains out. Hopefully, she will be on the same page.

6. Puncturing holes in the box. 

When you’re ready to eat, your next step is removing the TV dinner from the freezer and puncturing holes in it. These holes will enable the TV dinner to get sufficiently hot during the upcoming microwave process, as discussed in step 7. Likewise, you must be sure to puncture holes in any arguments or reluctance your lesbian brings to the table. For example, if she starts talking to you about how much she loves bush diving, you need to immediately dismiss her opinions as feminist bullshit and tout the superiority of your dong. If she’s not convinced, it might be helpful at this point to whip out your dong, stealthily sprinkle some Sweet and Low on it, and then ask her to lick.  

7. Warm up the box. 

Much like you microwave your TV dinner to get ready for consumption, you must also warm up your lesbian to the idea of boning. While asking her lick your Sweet and Low sprinkled dong is one route, the possibilities are really endless. While sometimes a good conversation about God’s hatred for homosexuality does the trick, but usually, the closer you can get her mouth to your dong, the better. 

CONSUMPTION 

8. Unwrapping the box 

Once your TV dinner/lesbian is sufficiently hot, rip of the wrapping/clothing as soon as possible. In the same way that your dinner can get cold in a matter of minutes, your lesbian can change her mind in the time that your figuring out her bra strap. In these situations, however, if your lesbian yells out things like “Stop!” or “Help!,” she’s usually just joking and you can continue undressing her as planned.  

9. Fucking the shit out of the box. 

OK, maybe you’ve never fucked the shit of your TV dinner (lasagnas aren’t bad though, I promise), but you better take your lesbian to town if you want to complete the de-lesbificaton process. Even if your lesbian seems fully committed to a life of dong by this point, one bad night in the sack can change everything. No pressure guys, but when you’re the first person to fuck a former lesbian, you’re not only representing yourself but every guy in the future who could potentially fuck her, as well. 

DIGESTION  

10. Recycling the box. 

When you’re done with your TV dinner, make sure you recycle the box to benefit future generations (save energy, reduce global warming, yada yada). Likewise, after you’ve finished fucking the shit out of your lesbian and completed the de-lesbification process, the work doesn’t end. For the sake of fucking your lesbian in the future, in addition to those aforementioned men who might one day fuck her as well, you must continue proving the power and allure of the dong. Whether or not this means sprinkling Sweet and Low on you dong on a consistent basis, that’s up to your discretion.

My friends, you now hold the keys to the de-lesbification process at your will. They are not foolproof, but they’re awfully fucking close. Go and forth de-lesbify!