02.01.07 From the Viking
Super Bowl XLI: Chicago Bears analysis
We kick-off our Super Bowl coverage with an overview of the Chicago Bears, their tribulations, and enough sausage to give the planet one final, massive coronary.
The City: Chicago
The third biggest city in the country, Chicago is often ignored in favor of something bigger with fewer available varieties of sausage. But the Windy City will not be denied this time around. Think of 5 million fat people with goatees, and then add 4 more million fat people with goatees. Would you stand in their way? The Ghost of Al Capone would frown on it, and the Ghost of Chris Farley would smother you with his hairless belly. Also, much of the research on the A-Bomb was conducted in the basement of the University of Chicago, so we're pretty sure Indianapolis is in for it if they try any funny business (like winning).
The "Storied" Past: The Bears have the second most NFL championships of any franchise with nine, but have only appeared in one Super Bowl, winning most of their championships by default when they were the league's only team.
Last time in the big game: Jan. 26, 1986
Chicago Bears 46, New England Patriots 10
Behind Walter Payton's running and a fierce 4-6 defense under then-defensive mastermind Buddy Ryan, the Bears crushed the Patriots for their first Super Bowl win in their only appearance. Football historians, though, are unlikely to give credit where credit is due: Refridgerator Perry's Super Bowl Shuffle actually caused a tear in spacetime that replaced all the Patriots with their accountant dopplegangers from an alternate universe.
The Quarterback: Rex Grossman
Everyone knows about Grossman's statements following the end of the season loss to the Green Bay Packers, when he expressed regret over not really paying attention or caring about preparing for the game. What everyone seems to forget is that Grossman sucks even when his head isn't up his own ass. If the Bears find a way to win with him at the helm, he'll immediately become the worst QB to start for a winning Super Bowl team, surpassing Trent "How'd I Do That? Seriously, what the shit?!" Dilfer's feat with the Baltimore Ravens in Superbowl XXXV.
The Controversy: Tank Johnson
This past December, Johnson's home was the subject of a search that yielded six guns -- including two assault rifles -- but, disappointingly, zero tanks. Johnson was at practice at the time, but his bodyguard, William Posey, was arrested for pot possession. Then, days later, Posey was shot to death outside the northside Chicago bar where Johnson was drinking and dancing (probably ballet). Officially, Johnson is suiting up and will play in the game Sunday, but he will have to pass through a metal detector between each play to prevent him from going "The Last Boyscout" on the Colts.
The Name: Leon Joe
Every team has a guy whose name is so cool he was forced to become a pro athlete. For the Bears, that player is little used reserve linebacker Leon Joe. Tank Johnson would have won, but his real name is Terry, and we can't reward liars (even liars that have "TANK JOHNSON" on the back of their jerseys... sweet. Come to think of it, if you're going to have a fake cool name, go all out. Some suggestions: Tank Tankston, Punch Hardley, Bombs McAnnihilation).
The Omen: In an attempt to pay tribute to the Bears' Super Bowl appearance, the Art Institute of Chicago tried to put giant Bears helmets on the big concrete Lions outside. But, they fucked it up, and the helmet broke. What does it mean for the Bears? It may sound like a stretch, but we think this is a clear sign that Grossman will throw 12 interceptions before his helmet explodes off his head like a dirty bomb.
Why they deserve to be here: The defense is strong, no debate required. They finished fifth in the NFL in yards allowed, third in points allowed, first in takeaways, and first in deflecting interviewers questions over their numerous scandals. The Bears are so good defensively, there are scandals we'll never even hear about... unless it's here (Did you know that the Bears have two Mormons on their roster? Scandalous.).
Why they don't deserve to be here: The offense is pretty pathetic. If the Bears offense was a movie, it would star Mandy Moore. If it was a musician, it would be some internet piece-of-shit with an acoustic guitar singing off-key with a poster of Dave Matthews in the background. If it was a car, it would be a Daewoo with annoying stickers all over it. If it was a war protest, it would be a quilt. And if it was a President, it would be... well, you get the idea. They suck.
The third biggest city in the country, Chicago is often ignored in favor of something bigger with fewer available varieties of sausage. But the Windy City will not be denied this time around. Think of 5 million fat people with goatees, and then add 4 more million fat people with goatees. Would you stand in their way? The Ghost of Al Capone would frown on it, and the Ghost of Chris Farley would smother you with his hairless belly. Also, much of the research on the A-Bomb was conducted in the basement of the University of Chicago, so we're pretty sure Indianapolis is in for it if they try any funny business (like winning).
The "Storied" Past: The Bears have the second most NFL championships of any franchise with nine, but have only appeared in one Super Bowl, winning most of their championships by default when they were the league's only team.
Last time in the big game: Jan. 26, 1986
Chicago Bears 46, New England Patriots 10
Behind Walter Payton's running and a fierce 4-6 defense under then-defensive mastermind Buddy Ryan, the Bears crushed the Patriots for their first Super Bowl win in their only appearance. Football historians, though, are unlikely to give credit where credit is due: Refridgerator Perry's Super Bowl Shuffle actually caused a tear in spacetime that replaced all the Patriots with their accountant dopplegangers from an alternate universe.
The Quarterback: Rex Grossman
Everyone knows about Grossman's statements following the end of the season loss to the Green Bay Packers, when he expressed regret over not really paying attention or caring about preparing for the game. What everyone seems to forget is that Grossman sucks even when his head isn't up his own ass. If the Bears find a way to win with him at the helm, he'll immediately become the worst QB to start for a winning Super Bowl team, surpassing Trent "How'd I Do That? Seriously, what the shit?!" Dilfer's feat with the Baltimore Ravens in Superbowl XXXV.
The Controversy: Tank Johnson
This past December, Johnson's home was the subject of a search that yielded six guns -- including two assault rifles -- but, disappointingly, zero tanks. Johnson was at practice at the time, but his bodyguard, William Posey, was arrested for pot possession. Then, days later, Posey was shot to death outside the northside Chicago bar where Johnson was drinking and dancing (probably ballet). Officially, Johnson is suiting up and will play in the game Sunday, but he will have to pass through a metal detector between each play to prevent him from going "The Last Boyscout" on the Colts.
The Name: Leon Joe
Every team has a guy whose name is so cool he was forced to become a pro athlete. For the Bears, that player is little used reserve linebacker Leon Joe. Tank Johnson would have won, but his real name is Terry, and we can't reward liars (even liars that have "TANK JOHNSON" on the back of their jerseys... sweet. Come to think of it, if you're going to have a fake cool name, go all out. Some suggestions: Tank Tankston, Punch Hardley, Bombs McAnnihilation).
The Omen: In an attempt to pay tribute to the Bears' Super Bowl appearance, the Art Institute of Chicago tried to put giant Bears helmets on the big concrete Lions outside. But, they fucked it up, and the helmet broke. What does it mean for the Bears? It may sound like a stretch, but we think this is a clear sign that Grossman will throw 12 interceptions before his helmet explodes off his head like a dirty bomb.
Why they deserve to be here: The defense is strong, no debate required. They finished fifth in the NFL in yards allowed, third in points allowed, first in takeaways, and first in deflecting interviewers questions over their numerous scandals. The Bears are so good defensively, there are scandals we'll never even hear about... unless it's here (Did you know that the Bears have two Mormons on their roster? Scandalous.).
Why they don't deserve to be here: The offense is pretty pathetic. If the Bears offense was a movie, it would star Mandy Moore. If it was a musician, it would be some internet piece-of-shit with an acoustic guitar singing off-key with a poster of Dave Matthews in the background. If it was a car, it would be a Daewoo with annoying stickers all over it. If it was a war protest, it would be a quilt. And if it was a President, it would be... well, you get the idea. They suck.
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