Summer of Craig

I was sent to the principal's office twice during my academic career.  To say I had an academic career would be to imply I got good grades.  So maybe I
should say I was sent to the principal's office twice during my schooling.
Once for intimidating Tunks and the other for allegedly spray painting
obscene gestures in the bathroom.

I did intimidate Tunks and the only thing I ever sprayed was a wall behind
my old neighborhood grocery store.  There were a few of us and they all had
their "tag."  I didn't have one so I spray painted the first thing that came
into my head:  21 Jumpstreet.

It didn't lead to a graffiti career.  Perhaps if I went with a Metallica
symbol, or NKOTB I could move to Chicago and become a star on the graffiti
circuit.  I could sell drugs to make ends meet, decide it's not the life for
me, and eventually move to Los Angeles to become an actor.  Or a bellman.
Or a champion at the staring contest.  Whichever happened to come first.

Somehow I did make it to Los Angeles, but I'm not an actor.  I inspect
toilet cleaning.  Right about now that career in Chicago is looking pretty
good.

I'm sitting in my new principal's office.  The Human Resources Department of
my hotel.  The union views it as People's Court and I've got a rap sheet
longer than 50 cent’s.

I walk in, say hi to Trixie, and grab my regular seat.  I look up and see
fifteen union representatives leaving the meeting room and I can tell I'm
public enemy #1.

The HR representative pulls me into his office and I'm handed a list of
allegations.  He asks me to read through it and comment.  I can't get past
the first one.

"She's claiming I threw a stapler at her?"

"That is correct."

"Did I hit her?"

"No, she said you missed."

"I pitched a no-hitter for the Yarralumla Eagles when I was 12.  Granted I
walked the first three batters and then hit a chick, but I settled down and
got the win.  Not to mention I didn't give up a hit."

"I don't think that pertains to this."

"What I'm saying is I can bring it like the rain.  If I threw a stapler at
her, I would have hit her.  After all I was First Team All-State."

"I thought you made state team as a kicker?"

"Erroneous.  These charges are all bogus and quite frankly I think it's
retaliation because I denied her from a sexy time adventure."

"She came onto you?"

"Ya.  Like that's a surprise.  Have you seen me?"

"But you two never consummated the relationship?"

"No."

"Is that because you were her superior?"

"Hell no, it's because she's fat and ugly.  Granted I've gone down that
route once, twice, or maybe actually 17 times before.  But those were
different circumstances.  Christine had just broken up with me and I was
feeling vulnerable.  Or weak.  Regardless I dabbled in a demographic that
many would never have pictured me with.  Like JQ, that one time in summer
school.  I drank a little bit.  We danced.  We ended up back at her place.  She
went to change into something sexy and I was sitting on her couch staring at
myself in a mirror across from me.  Then it hit me.  I'm better than this.
I'm better than JQ.  I could go out with the Alpha Phi's again.  My phase was
over.  I'd gotten over Christine.  So I grabbed my jacket and left.  Granted
this was my sixth year of undergrad so the late-nights of Burger King and
Beer had finally caught up.  I attempted to sprint home but that quickly led
to a wog -- a walk/jog -- that I've become known for.  JQ was screaming at me the
entire way home.  It was cool, though, I was definitely over Christine."

This meant nothing to my HR rep, as he handed me the number for unemployment
and asked if I had any questions.

"Can I still come by and steal toilet paper, water, leftover alcohol, free
long distance, abuse the internet, sleep in the rooms, watch baseball at the
bar, pick up my dry-cleaning without paying for it, rent adult movies, pass
out robes like they were candy and take extended lunch breaks?"

I was then shown the door.

I head home and see Junior.  I fill him in on the latest developments and we
sit down and plot my next move.  This involved seven hours of Playstation.  I
finished an entire season undefeated.  The day is looking up already.

I really have no interest in rushing back to the workplace so I head to the
unemployment office.

I look around the office and realize that if these are the people I'm
competing for work with, I'll be hired in twenty minutes.  It's worse than
the DMV.

I register with the receptionist and sit at an open computer.  I log in and
get busy.

"Sir these computers are for work purposes.  Updating your profile on
Match.com is unacceptable."

Apparently the moderator can review the website I've visited.  Thank god I
hadn't stopped at BangBus.

"Sorry.  I just figured with all this free time I'll be able to start dating
again."

"There are millions of people looking for jobs as we speak.  I think you
better get started."

"One minute please.  I have to send out these winks to girls I'm interested
in.  Then if they wink back it's basically an open invitation to a sexy time
adventure."

"I don't think you understand.  These computers are for work only.  I tell
you what, why don't you come speak with one of our recruiters."

I finish sending my winks and I leave my workstation.  I hope Cancer83 winks
back.  She was hot and new to the site.  She's recently been hurt and wonders
if she'll ever love again.  I know that feeling.  I had it with Nicole.  And
Danielle.  And Anne.  And Christine.  And Allison.  And, of course, Isabella.  Wink at me, Cancer83, let us know love.  Let us know each other.

I'm pried away from my computer and head into the recruiter’s office.  She
hands me a bunch of forms to fill out and I struggle to concentrate.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions that could help with your job
placement."

"Alright.  Let's do this."

"What was your crowning moment?"

"Well that's tough."

"Were you ever nominated for awards?"

"I was named All-Western District, All-Central Virginia, and All-State after
my senior year for Football.  I was also named 2nd-Team All District for
Soccer but that doesn't really matter.  Oh, I was also named Senior Advisor
to the Honor Council as well.  Ironically I cheated on everything that year
including Anne.  She's married now and happy.  I wonder do you think she
misses me?"

"Sir I was actually referring to accomplishments at work."

"I would sneak off and make out with Isabella from time to time.  That was
pretty cool. Technically it made me a prostitute since I was getting paid
for my services.  Should I put that on my resume?  After all, it is the
world's oldest profession."

The recruiter didn't think that was a good idea.

"What was your reason for leaving your last job?"

"Basically this fat chick didn't like the fact that she had no shot riding
this love train.  So she accuses me of throwing a stapler at her and a bunch
more crap that isn't fit to print."

 
"Do you regret your actions?"

"In hind-sight I probably should have put out.  I mean I've definitely had
sexy-time with girls around her size before.  So it's not like I'm lowering
my average."

"I meant with the stapler.  Do you regret throwing it?"

I take a deep breath.  This is getting stressful.

"I didn't throw it.  If I did I would have hit her in her mouth and she
would be breast-feeding metal to her kid.  So I think it's safe to say my
only regret is I didn't do it."

I reach into my backpack and grab a Zima.

"Alright and what have you been doing since your last job?"

"I've been growing out my beard.  I noticed I have more gray in the chin
than I'd care to share with everyone.  I've played three seasons on Dynasty
mode with College Football.  If Tech is half as good as they are in the game
we're winning it all this year.  I've been sleeping in until noon and hitting
happy hour at all the local strip clubs.  All in all it's been a good little
break."

"Well let's finish up here.  What are you looking to get out of the Unemployment Office?"

 

"Cancer83 would be pretty cool.  And some more grape
jolly ranchers.  I need them for my Zima.  It's been two weeks since I
bought this 12 pack.  Sammy the Jew, The Consigliore and myself grabbed them
on our way to Monty's wedding in Yosemite.  Sadly we couldn't find any
Jolly Ranchers so we had to use ‘Now and Laters’.  Let me tell you they are
not the same.  No ma'am.  So yeah, Cancer83 and some Jolly Ranchers is all I'm
really looking for."

"Well I think that's all the questions I had for you.  I just need a copy of
your resume and I'll put it with your file."

I put down my Zima and grab my resume.

"Sir this isn't a resume.  You just typed up the lyrics to Bon Jovi's ‘Livin'
On a Prayer’."

I snatch it from her hand and read.

"Tommy used to work on the docks.  Union’s been on strike.  He's down on his
luck it's tough…so tough.  Gina works the diner all day.  Working for her
man, she brings home her pay, for love…for love."

I chug my Zima and wipe my beard dry.

"Don't you get it?  We just need love.  Everything else will fall into place
if we just have love.  So excuse me while I head back to my workstation and
try to do just that.  Because believe me missy, when I have love, I'll have
a job.  And then I'll be off of the State's records.  That I promise you."

I've finished with her and head back to the computers awaiting a wink.  Come
on Cancer83 wink back why don't you.  We need each other.

"Excuse me."

I keep typing and refuse to look up at the moderator.  If we don't make
eye-contact she can't yell at me for checking out my winks.

"Umm excuse me."  She says it a little bit louder.

"I know, I know, I'm not using the proper sites for work."

I give in and look up.  I'm ready to get yelled at.

She winks at me.

This is a random turn of events.

It's not the moderator.

It's Cancer83 and not only is she looking for love, she's also looking for a
job.

So thank you fat girl that got me fired.  Thank you bogus union for
compiling a list of charges against me.  Thank you Dr. Phil for
Match.com.  And thank you Cancer83 for making this the “Summer of Craig.”