Stories to Watch at Super Bowl XLII

The A-Hole Coaches

Bill Belichick.  The cheater.  He organizes his men impeccably, then puts them in the best possible position to win through a series of lies, deceptions, thievery, spying and -- if those don't work -- poisonings.  Don't think I don't know about you and your antics, Belichick.  You don't go 18-0 without a sack of rat poison.  It's scientifically impossible; look it up.

Tom Coughlin.  Bastard extraordinaire.  The man who said to his kicker, David Tynes, as he walked off the field followed a missed field goal in the NFC championship game, "What the hell.  Way to fuck us by missing that when you were supposed to make it, Ass Breath.  Dude.  Also, do something about your ass-breath.  Coughlin out!"  Alright, maybe I can't "read lips," but he definitely had a mean expression on his face.  Or maybe he just has hemorrhoids.

Unlike last year's head coach pairing of Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith, these guys are just difficult to root for.  Still, they've gotten their teams this far -- though it's possible that a one-legged starfish could have captained the Patriots' ship -- and their decisions will possibly determine the outcome of the Super Bowl.  More likely, though, it'll just be a test to find the more effective football strategy:  yelling or cheating?

The Quarterbacks

Tom Brady has the experience and the rings.  He has the all time touchdown record and two ridiculously hot girlfriends -- both pregnant.  He has Randy Moss.  He has the best offensive line in the league.

Eli Manning has the pedigree and the momentum.  His brother is a future first-ballot Hall of Famer.  He, his brother and his father were all number one overall selections in the NFL draft.  He has Plaxico Burress, who is pretty damn good in his own right (just ask Packers' Pro Bowl corner Al Harris).

For Manning, the story will be about stepping out of his family's shadow.  For Brady, it'll be about staking an inextricable claim to the quarterback pantheon.  There's only one thing that could make it more interesting:  winner gets Gisele. 

WWRMD (What Will Randy Moss Do?) 

Randy Moss has waited his entire life to be seen by this many people at the same time... so you know he's got a plan for it.  But what is that plan?  When he scores a touchdown (and yes, I'm going with "when" over "if"), will he actually moon the audience this time?  Will he drive around the field like Marshawn Lynch?  Or will he reveal himself to be an alien from a large planet with stronger gravity than Earth, thus giving him stronger legs and his apparent superhuman abilities. but also revealing that he was banished forever from that planet for not smoking pot, which would also explain his confusion upon arriving here?  All possibilities seem equally likely.

The Giants D-Line vs. the Pats O-Line 

For the Giants, it's possible that the one defensive end who doesn't start -- third year player Justin Tuck -- is the most versatile and dangerous player on their defensive line.  Tuck, who rotates through the defensive end positions with future Hall of Famer Michael Strahan and multiple Pro Bowler Osi Umenyiora, also rotates to the inside of the line for passing downs, and is the obvious choice to replace Strahan when he eventually retires... if he ever decides to do that.  In the meantime, Tom Brady has been eating sandwiches in the backfield all year with the time his line has been providing him, including in the team's last meeting, which saw the Giants stop the Patriot running game only to be picked apart by Brady for over 350 yards.  That's what'll make this such a key battle:  if the Giants defensive line -- and they are talented enough to do it -- can generate pressure on Tom Brady without the help of blitzers, the Giants backfield will at least have a chance to cover the Pats' disgusting arsenal of receivers.  If Brady has time all day again, though, well... I guess some people look forward to the commercials, at least.

Ahmad Bradshaw 

If not for the ridiculousness that is Adrian Peterson, who somehow manages to put up Reggie-Bush-at-USC stats in the NFL, I might be inclined to say that Ahmad Bradshaw has the brightest future of any offensive player selected in last April's draft.  He's small but explosive, and when he sees his opportunity, he gets upfield and through his hole with startling quickness.  Bradshaw actually had a similar amateur career to Randy Moss in that he was a prized high school recruit with some personal issues who accepted a scholarship to a major football program (Al Groh's Virginia for Bradshaw, Florida St. for Moss), did something that causes him to get kicked off the team before playing a snap (drinking and evading police for Bradshaw, pot for Moss), and eventually ended up starring at Marshall.

But where Moss still managed to get drafted in the first round and was impossible to defend from the moment he stepped on an NFL field, Bradshaw had to wait until the seventh round to hear his name called, and -- after some early season fumbling problems -- didn't get his first chance to start at halfback for the G-Men until the sixteenth week of the season.  He ran for 151 yards in 17 carries in that game against the Bills, including one 88 yard touchdown run.  He didn't play the following week against New England, a game the Giants lost by just three points.  Will Bradshaw's big play ability make the difference for the Giants on the biggest stage the sport has to offer?  All signs point to maybe.

The Halftime Show

I'm just kidding, nobody watches the halftime show anymore.  Although, I'm sure a few of you will tune in to see if Tom Petty has a wardrobe malfunction. 

Bill Simmons Backlash 

First of all, I like Bill Simmons.  I don't even mind that he pulls anecdotes about his family into every possible sports situation.  It's endearing, sort of.  But let's contrast the long-suffering Bill Simmons of several years ago with the flush-with-riches Bill Simmons of today.  Then, being a Boston sports fan was funny.  He could be self-deprecating -- and it would make sense given the long-term futility of Boston's teams -- and we'd all laugh along with him.  Now, though, Boston has a realistic chance to hold all three major sports' titles at the same time, and the fact that Simmons' wears his Beantown love on his sleeve isn't all that cute.  It's really obnoxious, actually.  Like, sickeningly so.  And I don't want to hear about how many years Red Sox fans had to wait for their World Series -- they sold Babe Ruth and they deserve to suffer.  And don't even get me started on the Celtics.  If there's a team that deserves to suck longer than the Celtics, I don't know what it is.  Yet, here they are, one title in the bag, one possibly on the way and a third looking fairly likely.  And we're supposed to be chortling along with some suddenly happy-go-lucky Boston fan?  I don't think so.  Those titles go hand in hand with the revocation of Bill Simmons' meal ticket.

The Score 

I want to write Giants 24, Patriots 20, but when I factor in the one touchdown advantage the Patriots get for cheating, I arrive at the real final score, Patriots 27, Giants 24.  Should be a good one, and then it'll be off to next season, when the Packers begin their streak of eight consecutive Super Bowls.  And then you can start hating me, and it'll all be worth it.