Step one: TOUCH.

True Story:

Scene:  in Bed. Clueless Boy grinding on Special Lady, both clothed.  

SL:  Um…don’t you want to touch me? 

Clueless Boy:  No, I get off this way. 

Number one, it isn’t only about you, because if it is, it will only be about you once, and tales of your cluelessness will spread throughout the female population, especially if your lady uses livejournal, attends university, or speaks. 

Number two, a grateful lady will moan, and -- hallelujah -- is that sexy. 

Number three, how are you going to brag about this experience? Yeah, man, I didn’t even touch her at all! It was like being alone in my room! Hey, where’s my high five? 

It’s not just touching that you must remember, but where and when. The vagina does NOT come before the breasts, neck or, god forbid, the lips. My latest lover doesn’t even wait to get my shirt off before diving into the deep sea. Unless you haven’t seen each other in a very, very, very long time, and are married, and have kids, you must touch other areas before the vagina. In fact, waiting until she’s begging for you to touch her there might be a good way to gauge how much touching is needed the first time around. If you ignore her breasts, she’ll feel like they’re a) not sexy or b) you’re gay. If you are gay, carry on. However, touching and kissing every other part of her body first (toes vary from woman to woman, but neck and breasts are pretty much universal, and stomach and inner thigh are also popular zones) will gain you a much better chance of making her orgasm. Which is your goal, right? 

Step two: SOUND.

Listen to her. Ask her what she wants (once is enough; this is not your first time, remember?). Above all, if she says, “No, don’t put that there,” trying repeatedly will show that you don’t care what she wants, in which case I remind you of point one:  it’s not all about you. An argument is never sexy, and pretty much kills the mood and makes all the effort you spent sneaking her into your parents’ house a waste of time. If you want a girl willing to put out like a porn star, there’s always Craigslist. Or your anniversary.  

Step three: TASTE, TASTE, TASTE.

If you are orally pleased, and you do not reciprocate with oral pleasure, the lady has the right to shave ‘LOSER’ in your hair while you’re sleeping, unless this one-sided service is pre-agreed upon, in which case good luck with such an insecure wench. She’s probably lying when she says she’s on the pill. 

Seriously, putting a woman in the throes of ecstasy can never hurt your chances for numerous sex playdates. 

Step four: SIGHT. 

Compliment her, especially if she compliments you. “Thank you” is not good dirty talk; this may shock men across the nation. If you compliment only her ass and not her face, she might well feel as if you like her body better than her personality, which, repeat after me, "Of course you don’t!" ‘You’re beautiful’ can never hurt. ‘Cute’ is an insult after the first date, unless she’s just done something that needs an excuse, such as sneezed all over your arm. Also, too many ass compliments and she might wonder which team you’re playing for. I do. 

Step five: SMELL.

Never underestimate the mating calls of deodorant, cologne and showers. I have a great best friend, my ‘good guy’ friend. Not only is he there for me, he’s tall and athletic as well, which any girl will tell you is just as important when she’s drunk enough to cut the bullshit. My friends ask, "Why we don’t date?" He smells a little too athletic if you get my drift. I can’t sit next to him in a movie theater. A shower will get you a lot farther than a golden shower. And take advantage of ‘that aisle’ in the drugstore when no one’s looking—an anti-perspirant in the hand is worth two perspiring in the sack. Forget not that women have been scientifically shown to pick partners by their scents. And don’t borrow Grandpa’s cologne, unless your lady digs really older men, in which case you two probably need to have a talk anyway. Put it on your Kwanzaa list and forgo a few director’s cut DVDS to smell like Armani for Men.