12.10.07 From the Viking
Stop Trying: The Worst Sex Ever
Written by Sacha
Do you finally nail a girl on the thirteenth date only to find she’s stopped endlessly texting you, or even (gasp) blocked you on instant messenger? When you run into her friends at the bar, do they giggle and point? If so, you – my friend – are in need of sexual healing. In spite of what those pay-per-view porno sites may be telling you, the trick to being a stallion in the sack is not doing her up the ass while eating out her twin sister. There's a series of baby steps before you reach that point.
Step one: TOUCH.
True Story:
Scene: in Bed. Clueless Boy grinding on Special Lady, both clothed.
SL: Um…don’t you want to touch me?
Clueless Boy: No, I get off this way.
Number one, it isn’t only about you, because if it is, it will only be about you once, and tales of your cluelessness will spread throughout the female population, especially if your lady uses livejournal, attends university, or speaks.
Number two, a grateful lady will moan, and -- hallelujah -- is that sexy.
Number three, how are you going to brag about this experience? Yeah, man, I didn’t even touch her at all! It was like being alone in my room! Hey, where’s my high five?
It’s not just touching that you must remember, but where and when. The vagina does NOT come before the breasts, neck or, god forbid, the lips. My latest lover doesn’t even wait to get my shirt off before diving into the deep sea. Unless you haven’t seen each other in a very, very, very long time, and are married, and have kids, you must touch other areas before the vagina. In fact, waiting until she’s begging for you to touch her there might be a good way to gauge how much touching is needed the first time around. If you ignore her breasts, she’ll feel like they’re a) not sexy or b) you’re gay. If you are gay, carry on. However, touching and kissing every other part of her body first (toes vary from woman to woman, but neck and breasts are pretty much universal, and stomach and inner thigh are also popular zones) will gain you a much better chance of making her orgasm. Which is your goal, right?
Step two: SOUND.
Listen to her. Ask her what she wants (once is enough; this is not your first time, remember?). Above all, if she says, “No, don’t put that there,” trying repeatedly will show that you don’t care what she wants, in which case I remind you of point one: it’s not all about you. An argument is never sexy, and pretty much kills the mood and makes all the effort you spent sneaking her into your parents’ house a waste of time. If you want a girl willing to put out like a porn star, there’s always Craigslist. Or your anniversary.
Step three: TASTE, TASTE, TASTE.
If you are orally pleased, and you do not reciprocate with oral pleasure, the lady has the right to shave ‘LOSER’ in your hair while you’re sleeping, unless this one-sided service is pre-agreed upon, in which case good luck with such an insecure wench. She’s probably lying when she says she’s on the pill.
Seriously, putting a woman in the throes of ecstasy can never hurt your chances for numerous sex playdates.
Step four: SIGHT.
Compliment her, especially if she compliments you. “Thank you” is not good dirty talk; this may shock men across the nation. If you compliment only her ass and not her face, she might well feel as if you like her body better than her personality, which, repeat after me, "Of course you don’t!" ‘You’re beautiful’ can never hurt. ‘Cute’ is an insult after the first date, unless she’s just done something that needs an excuse, such as sneezed all over your arm. Also, too many ass compliments and she might wonder which team you’re playing for. I do.
Step five: SMELL.
Never underestimate the mating calls of deodorant, cologne and showers. I have a great best friend, my ‘good guy’ friend. Not only is he there for me, he’s tall and athletic as well, which any girl will tell you is just as important when she’s drunk enough to cut the bullshit. My friends ask, "Why we don’t date?" He smells a little too athletic if you get my drift. I can’t sit next to him in a movie theater. A shower will get you a lot farther than a golden shower. And take advantage of ‘that aisle’ in the drugstore when no one’s looking—an anti-perspirant in the hand is worth two perspiring in the sack. Forget not that women have been scientifically shown to pick partners by their scents. And don’t borrow Grandpa’s cologne, unless your lady digs really older men, in which case you two probably need to have a talk anyway. Put it on your Kwanzaa list and forgo a few director’s cut DVDS to smell like Armani for Men.
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Instead of wearing the self-righteous crown - which, right off the bat is oh so *very* attractive I might add - perhaps, just perhaps, if a woman -as in, a mature woman, not some drunk college slut you filmed kissing slut #2 at a frat party- is willing and openly providing tips on how to caress and a seduce a woman.. maybe you should listen. You know what that is, right? Listening? That's the thing you're not doing when she normally says "Fuck off loser, you smell like bong resin".
Be cause hey, you -the jackhammer you are- has already got things so under control. I mean by all means, I'll just let you get back to fingering a chick with one hand and watching Internet porn with the other you ballsy man-brick.
Get a life.
I know there are a lot of women out there who are pretty demanding, but this article is actually fairly reasonable. It actually makes sense in terms of keeping sex good for both people during the act.
The reason you hated the article is because "you are that guy"
I bet you didn't even know girls have orgasms.
Tool
Day: If any of the dubiously groundbreaking tips and advice presented in here were news to you, perhaps you should be the one to take a good long look in the mirror. This embarrassment of editorials boils down to "forgot what your five senses are? Forgotten that women don't get off on B.O. and violence? HAVE I GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU."
Brett: That's quite the straw man you've constructed. He's sure to not put up much of a fight, but he makes for a shoddy likeness of me. Egomaniacal doesn't appear to be a word to you because you're a simpleton who relies on the stock Firefox dictionary.
The good news for Day and Brett is Sache's internet panties are probably already sopping wet with desire after watching them so tirelessly defend her pristine internet reputation as a snotty, opinionated prude.
This sure is fun though, thought all I'd be doing tonight is studying.
Very well put, Robert.
Study hard tonight; you need all the help you can get.
Now back to studying, unless you have some knowledge of geography that I can borrow for a bit.
This is not news. This is not insight. This is the whiny written diarrhea of a stupid selfish little girl who sees fault in everyone but herself. She's a caricature of a caricature; a desperate Sex and the City extra wannabe, but she's not even important enough for that, so what does she do? She cracks those doughy knuckles of hers and sets to her keyboard with her sausage fingers like it's a helpless Thanksgiving feast, further tainting the internet with more self-important, self-pitying garbage, likely enjoying an oversized bottle of wine and pallet of bon-bons while mirthfully chortling at your flaccid attempts to defend her in any way, shape, or fashion.
For shame, Brett. For shame.
If you were as fine tuned as you say you are, you should be more amazed that there are still guys out there committing these offenses rather than getting pissed off that a woman who is still running into them.
Your default position is bitterness. Ugly bitterness. And you're belching it as if your presence here is bestowing everyone else with the stuff you're convinced you have perfected. You managed to show that in just a few faceless blog comments. Good for you.
Go be laid you master stud.
For all your talk of my bitterness and frustration, you sure seem to be the one enthusiastically fixated on all sorts of imaginary bragging.
Rather than actually address my comments, you're merely attempting to dismiss them as the childish rantings of whatever character you have created in your head to represent me, and it's not going well for you. That's no way to make yourself look good.
Here's a pointer for your next time: Watching House does not automatically make you an accomplished psychoanalyst. Not even on the internet.
Maybe someone should write an article on that.
you
are
awesome
I'll admit it. I'm crying a little.
That was about the funniest thing I've read tonight!
It's obvious that this article is biased, and the author has had some pretty lousy experiences with some guys who are apparently pretty clueless. I didn't really gain any useful information from reading any of this.
I think the biggest thing that's missing is communication - if the sex is bad, and you are either the more experienced person or your partner is doing something that you'd like him or her to be doing (or they're even doing it wrong)....TELL THEM! If a girl I've been dating for a while just couldn't quite get something right, well then I would help her out. I obviously know what feels good for me, and if she's willing to improve a night in the sack, then she should keep an open mind. Some may take it as an insult, but I think for most people out there a little constructive criticism goes a long way, and definitely makes your time a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Not everyone is the same, so going in there thinking you know everything might only make things less enjoyable.
Now granted - I think some valid points were raised. I love the extended teasing/foreplay, but it seems to me that the women in the article are portrayed as sex goddesses and are fairly confident about themselves, and not to mention that the guy is absolutely clueless. Sure, some guys are. But I'll bet you there's one girl for every guy out there who's lousy in the sack.
I've had terrible sex. But I've also had amazing sex, and *GASP* BOTH FROM THE SAME GIRL! It just took some exploring, learning likes and dislikes, and keeping an open mind; not to mention clearing out my schedule a bit for those long sessions. I WILL admit though, that there are some lost causes in the world (on both ends) - and if it were me who were lousy in bed, and after some attempts at improving things in the sack (sure I get you not wanting to be the coach and just have everything fall nicely in to place...but sometimes that takes work) well you know I think you'd go a lot further letting me go nicely...and try being a little mature rather than telling all your friends how terrible I was.
Communication. Its amazing.
Good Job! That is the key to amazing sex! communication and self confidence. Now- if all the moron guys out there would learn that- women of the world wouldnt have to put out these retarded ass how-to's. What feels good to one chic- another one amy hate. Its not one size fits all. - on either ends. and i seriously hope that ALL OF YOU GUYS HERE are smart enough to know the keys to great sex..
This article is written for a moron. come on people..lol.
also so many of the things that she said in that article were so wrong. "if a girl says no that doesnt mean keep trying". with me it does! i like to tease the guy a bit and make him force me a little.
and just because i dont like to be gone down on doesnt mean i have no self confidence. i just dont get off from it. actually the taste thing never even occured to me.
i do like when my boyfriend skips the foreplay every so often. its really passionate.
that was not a guide to great sex with women. that was a guide to great sex with her.
and did anyone else not notice the hypocracy in her condemnation og men talking about the sex afterwards with their friends and yet she considers it her right to tell all her friends if he was shit?
if i have sex with a guy i dont expect him to keep it secret. im certainly not going to. why should he have to pretend im not putting out when i am? it seems that she is the one with confidence problems if she thinks that shes a whore if she has sex with a guy after 13 dates.
i officially declare her the ultimate tool
tristan- it is not rape. he is aware its not rape. i have told him i want to have sex with him and i do. also i think ive misled you. u seem to be imagining something a lot more extreem than the reality. what i mean is i like to be dominated in bed. and there r ppl into way freakier shit than me u no. i have a lot of girlfriends. we talk about shit. i promise u; i am far from having issues. i am infact perfectly normal. almost every single girl i no feels the same way as me about being dominated. but that was my point wasnt it? ALMOST every girl. u cant know beforehand exactly what shes going to like.
what is flaming?
This is the funniest group of comments I've ever read.
This is a HUMOUROUS WEBSITE PEOPLE, anyone taking this as serious advice and getting all sensitve and defensive;
You kill-joys have just made youself look like the The "El Grande" of moronic boobs.
Maybe it's best if you dont go into the "Man Up" section of this site if your so gullible or liable to take anything you read as either serious suggestion or a recommended course of action.
Which is a shame cos the people bitching about this really need a visit to the Man Up region; lest we forget your balls.
Get a sense of humour; not every silly article about a small wang or inept hip-thrusting ability is in fact about YOUR small wang (or hip-thrusting).
hahah, well written by the way.
"Thanks!"
No not me, the article.
"Oh..." *sniff*
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To the author: I'm sorry you've dated a string of douchebags with no sex education beyond 2girls1cup, but if you're sneezing on them and making them wait until the thirteenth date to put out, don't be so quick to blame our gender when they want to bust their nut, get the hell out, and tell their friends about the mucousy, self-righteous, crazy cunt they just tagged.