Anyone who says, “I’m smart, funny, and honest,” is lying. I had a guy say, "I am a smart." Point proven. I know a woman who says, "I study comedy." That shows how funny she is. If you are smart, be smart. If you are funny, your profile (not your headshot) should make someone laugh. And if you need to say you are honest or down-to-earth, you are probably a lying drama queen. Avoid the "I statements" altogether if you can. This isn’t an intervention. 

A lot of guys panic when it comes to filling out profiles. Cave Jdater no use words, use big club, make dinosaur barbecue and hug big women. You may have a great guy waiting inside you, but if you're going to get him inside anyone else, you might need some help to express yourself. 

If you want to be "a smart," here’s what to do and what to avoid. 

Your picture must not have your shirt off. You must be accidentally hot. A skimpy shirt is fine, but a naked man is about the same as those chicks who post half-clad pics of themselves on myspace—not dating material, and rarely too smart, either. 

Take my girlfriend-less friend “D.” D is the buffest guy you or I will ever know. For work, he’s in the gym and for fun, he’s in the gym and then for extra credit, he does math problems. Just kidding, gym again. His pictures on dating sites are all of him with his shirt off, posing, IN THE MIRROR. He seems to have already met the perfect person, even if it imitates every move he makes.  Somehow, not one girl will even agree to meet up with him, let alone favor him with a face-to-face rejection. Poor D is so lonely (yes, this is a real person). 

He does get noticed by men, however. You may be drawn to the hottie who shows the most skin in her profile picture, but women are not the same as you. Being nakkie will draw in men like yourself (well, maybe not quite like yourself), not the lady who likes long walks on the beach. 

The reason? Girls, excuse me, women, are not looking for just sex. They like sex as much as you do (actually, more -- thank you, multiple orgasms), but for some reason they insist on conversation and often dinner beforehand. This ties into my next point: 

A woman’s ideal first date: Food. 

A man’s ideal first date: Sex. 

Sampling random female profiles, you will notice their ideal first date involves a restaurant, and -- even if they don’t admit it -- carbs and chocolate are high on their lists of ‘interests.’ Men need steak, women need taste. Eating is a sensual experience for women, something you’ll find when cooking her breakfast in the morning. It will definitely put her in the mood to taste something else, if not at that date then in the future. And she will certainly give favorable reviews to her hot friends who aren’t desperate enough to be online in the first place. 

Sneaking in buzzwords throughout your profile such as “exotic Thai food” and “creamy pasta” (okay maybe I’m overdoing it) will make her unconsciously lick her lips and associate you with something delicious. Drawing her interest is key, but once you’ve done that, you may wish to make sure of the following:

BE HONEST.

This is for your benefit, not just hers. If you are a guy who dresses up in capes on the weekends to play certain games in your friend’s basement (no, not making porno -- the other games), rather than have her throw a glass of water in your face (you did take her to dinner, right?) when she finds out, you can save you both the pain of that by meeting a girl who actually LIKES the Dungeons and Dragons experience. As you may have noticed, the internet is a wonderland of freaks, and there’s no reason to hide that as you may have to do in the daylight hours to avoid violating your parole. This is the place to meet people like you (it’s called match.com and eharmony, not mismatch and e-disharmony).  While you may want to save your foot fetish information for the actual date itself, being honest about your basic personality is only going to cut the time until you get your mouse clicked by a real live woman.