Sports Personality Meltdowns

Also, players flipping out during an athletic contest have been disqualified (sorry, Ron Artest, Mike Tyson and John McEnroe).  And if you want to see Mike Tyson say ridiculous things or watch Jim Everett tackle Jim Rome, that's here. 

Dana Jacobson Not Fond of the Jesus

When you're participating in a roast that's being co-hosted by Jeffrey Ross and you say something so over-the-top offensive that you get booed to the point where Ross himself has to yank you offstage, don't expect to keep your job at the notoriously conservative ESPN (owned by ABC, owned by Disney).  Sadly, the video isn't on the internet (yet), but the quote being attributed to her -- which drew her suspension -- is, "Fuck Notre Dame!  Fuck Touchdown Jesus!  Fuck Jesus!"  Apparently Jacobson had been drinking vodka from the bottle and generally making an ass of herself all night (my kind of woman, really), but you've got to know, no matter how drunk you are, that screaming, "Fuck Jesus!" in a public place as a public figure is not going to end well for you.  There's a few people who have something riding on the whole Jesus is Lord thing.

Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder Not a Real Biologist

He just played one on TV.  In 1988, Snyder claimed that black athletes were dominating American sports because they were bred to do so by their slave owners.  It was a practice, he said, that went "all the way back to the Civil War."  Yeah, he wasn't a fucking historian, either.  He also wasn't a sports commentator after that; CBS didn't take long in firing Snyder, who has become synonymous with the "getting fired by opening one's mouth" trend that's taken off in the past few years.

Kelly Tilghman, Meet Jim Crow

How do you offhandedly make a comment about lynching a black athlete without flinching?  You're either completely oblivious, you're golf analyst Kelly Tilghman, or, as it is in this case, both.  Although Tiger Woods has forgiven Tilghman for the comment and doesn't self-identify as black, Tilghman has been suspended indefinitely from her Golf Channel duties.  Supporters of Tilghman claim that too many words are becoming taboo and that perhaps a list should be provided to avoid any further controversy.  I, on the other hand, feel that if you can't make the distinction between appropriate and inappropriate on your own, you should be lynched.

Marge Schott Being Marge Schott

Maybe the worst and most consistent offender of the list, Marge Schott was also the richest.  As the owner of the Cincinnatti Reds, Schott could not be fired for her comments, but she will always be remembered for them.  They ranged from calling her players "million dollar n***ers" to her claim that "sneaky goddamn Jews are all alike" to her observation that "[Hitler] was good in the beginning" (the burning of the Reichstag is probably what she was talking about).  Eventually, Major League Baseball was able to keep her from running her team, but not until after she publicly complained about the inconvenience caused when umpire John McSherry died of a heart attack on the field before the first pitch of the 1996 season opener.  Don't worry, Marge.  It sucked for him, too.

Isiah Thomas Takes On Larry Bird

Isiah Thomas has a longstanding reputation as an envious douchebag.  He was instrumental in freezing Michael Jordan out of All-Star game action in one minute and shitting on Larry Bird the next.  He is probably the only person in the world who has ever considered himself to be the equal of either of them.  Most infamously, he once testified that Larry Bird would be "just another good player" if he was black.  Apparently, Bird won three MVP awards, made 12 all-star games and 11 All-NBA team selections and three NBA championships all on the basis of skin color.  Not content with being just sounding like an idiot, Isiah Thomas has gone onto a storied front office career where he has proven himself one.

Phillip Wellman Loses His Fucking Mind

Nobody knows exactly what purpose Wellman thought he was serving when he threw one of the most vague yet elaborate tantrums ever caught on tape.  You can see it for yourself, and Wellman ended up getting a three game suspension for it.  It was all touched off by the ejection of his pitcher for the use of an illegal substance on the mound.  I'm pretty sure that substance was shrooms, and that he got them from Wellman.

The Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy

Although the Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy was never quite as funny once it became common knowledge that he was a replacement host for Ball State student television rather than an emergency host for some seriously unfortunate local, professional channel, it's still really funny.  His case of the nerves is matched only in magnitude by his sharp Stuart Scott-style flair for the catch phrase.  Even on student television, he's in so far over his head that he can't even see the surface.

Fuzzy Zoeller:  The Original Tiger Woods Jokester

We've already seen Kelly Tilghman's Tiger Woods gaffe, and it's really no surprise that there's more than one.  After all, golf is the most racially homogeneous sport, and Tiger Woods dominates it.  He stands out in so many ways that he's bound to attract all flavors of idiot.  That doesn't mean that people weren't caught off guard when Zoeller, after Woods' had won the Masters and thus the right to select the menu for the next year's Master's Club Champion's Dinner, begged Woods "not to serve fried chicken next year... or collard greens or whatever the hell they serve."  Zing, Fuzzy!  You got him good!  Zoeller's sponsors immediately dropped him.  But the question I have for him is, "Who the hell doesn't like fried chicken?"  It's delicious.

Al Campanis Muses on Swimming

Al Campanis, a teammate and friend of Jackie Robinson's, went on Nightline to talk about the 40th anniversary of Robinson's breaking of baseball's color barrier.  During the interview, Ted Koppel asked Campanis why there weren't many blacks in managerial roles and front office positions, to which Campanis noted that blacks might lack "necessities" for those positions.  He went on to point to a lack of "the buoyancy" as a reason why black people aren't good swimmers.  Eh... I... what the fuck?

Don Imus: Talkin' Hoops

I don't think this one requires an explanation.  Don Imus shouldn't be talking about basketball in the first place, so you can't be too shocked that he fucked it up as badly as could be imagined.