Sports' Devilish Deals

Randy Moss

THE SPOILS:  A couple weeks ago, I posted a story about the ways in which the Patriots are continuing to cheat, and I included Moss among the Patriots who were in a constant state of cheating due to an unsanctioned pact with Lucifer.  Now that I've had a little more time to think about it, I no longer believe that either Tom Brady or Bill Belichick have made such a deal.  They've just won too many Super Bowls, and as we all know about deals with the devil, you only think you're getting what you really want.  There's always some Twilight Zone-y twist at the end of the tale that strips you of your prize just before it reaches your grasp.  In the case of Randy Moss, he has obviously sold his soul to become the perfect wide receiver.  He's got world-class athletic ability, fantastic hands, and a preternatural sense of timing that allows him to outmaneuver defensive backs for just about any balls in the air.  At first blush, it would seem that the Devil didn't really screw Randy Moss that badly.

THE CURSE:  Randy Moss will never win a Super Bowl.  I know, right now the Patriots seem completely unstoppable, but football fans, you've heard this phrase many times before, and you're going to hear it again sometime in January when the Patriots are inexplicably limping off the field after some inconceivable defeat:  "That's why they play the games."  Of course, on the "off-chance" that they do win the Super Bowl, Moss will probably suffer a severe concussion after slipping on some champagne in the post-game locker room celebration, a concussion that will give Moss a very rare case of amnesia and cause him to forget his entire experience.  He will go the rest of his life without any recollection of his triumph.  Or, alternately, the Devil will simply come to collect, as he did for Robert Johnson.

Kevin Garnett

THE SPOILS:  Garnett is the most mobile seven-foot tall human being on the planet, he has unjustly long limbs, a fiery temperament and an assortment of every basketball skill imaginable.  There is nothing that Kevin Garnett can not do on a basketball court.  There is a chance -- as the above picture indicates -- that Garnett's court prowess was not forged in hell, but rather that he was meticulously constructed in a cybernetics lab.  However, if that were the case, we could have probably expected a clone army of Kevin Garnetts to have conquered the world by now.  He would also have a dog named "Brain" as a sidekick.

THE CURSE:  Garnett has just finished up a long tour of duty in Minnesota that probably at times felt like hell.  Now that he's moved to the basketball Xanadu of Boston, it seems unlikely that he'll ever have to suffer through the type of losing he's seen the past couple seasons.  However, a major aspect of the Devil's fun comes in the tease, the false promise that he'll finally find the ring(s) for which he's been searching.  After Garnett, Allen and Pierce, though, the Celtics don't have a lot to fall back on.  Can't you just see an injury to one of the three in the playoffs or -- worse yet -- in the Championships?  It may be, Mr. Garnett, that you're destined to come disgustingly close, only to have the rug pulled from under you just as you reach for the trophy.  Maybe literally, if the Devil enlists Buster Keaton as help. 

Alex Rodriguez

THE SPOILS:  One of the most prodigious talents to ever play the game, A-Rod has been an MVP candidate almost immediately since he first stepped into the Major Leagues at the age of eighteen.  It's somewhat hard to believe that there weren't at least some goats or chickens sacrificed when he was born.  He hits for power and average all while patrolling the infield, and really, he should still be playing shortstop, the most demanding of all defensive positions.  He's just too good at every aspect of the game for it to occur naturally... and no, I'm not saying he uses HGH.  Unless he bought it from the devil.

THE CURSE:  No glory for A-Rod.  Although he's a runaway consensus pick as the best player of his generation, Rodriguez has never won a World Series.  Not only that, but he's notoriously bad when the playoffs roll around.  Could it be that the Devil's gifts only apply to the regular season?  That Devil -- what a jerk.  Don't feel too bad for Alex, though.  Rumor has it he's about to sign a brand new ten year, 275 million dollar contract with the Yankees.  Ah, the sins of the flesh.  Devil likey.

Peyton Manning

THE SPOILS:  What?  Another football player?  What about hockey?  Well, I don't know dick about hockey, for one thing (not that it's a bad sport, I actually have enjoyed watching it -- and soccer, for that matter),  but more importantly, Manning fits the profile extremely well.  As you can see from the above scientific diagram, Manning decided to take the route of gaining unholy knowledge of his sport, and in so doing, his forehead doubled in size.  His extra forehead now contains all the knowledge he needs to annoy opposing fans through flawless defense-reading.  Of course, every now and then he intentionally throws six interceptions in one game to deflect suspicion, but make no mistake that he's well acquainted with Old Scratch.  His brother... not so much.

THE CURSE:  Well, Manning finally won the big game last year, putting to rest all the criticisms of his career.  In that way, he's decidedly different from everyone else I mention today.  So, then, what is it about Manning that gives him more than he bargained for?  Well, he's got all that extra forehead.  It's really a lot of forehead.  I mean, he can hide it with a hat, but who's he fooling?  You know what's under there.

Roger Federer

THE SPOILS:  Federer came equipped with an incredibly well-rounded game rooted in the fundamentals of the sport, an incomparable mental game and -- oh yeah -- an absolutely vile, godless forehand that he can hit with any variety of spins to bedevil his adversaries.  It is said* that it was this forehand for which Federer exchanged his soul, the soul of his parents, the soul of his firstborn son and three souls to be named later.  Most agree that, for Federer, it's been a pretty solid arrangement.

THE CURSE:  Rafael Nadal.  While Federer has five Wimbledon Championships, four U.S. open titles and three Australian Open wins to his credit, he has yet to break through on the clay courts of the French Open thanks in part to the play of the young Spaniard.  While it could be the case that it is only the play of the Spaniard that keeps Federer from completing his career Grand Slam -- or at least, only Nadal and the slow, slippery clay courts -- it's easier to believe that there must be demonic intercession due to the fact that Federer rules.

* By me just now.