Screw Valentine's, Hang with Bikini Zombie KillersBy Christopher Brown on February 10, 2009 - 11:00 am |
We all know how much of a racket Valentine's Day is… especially for those of us without a girlfriend/date/prospect. Rather than shell out money on some chick that may not have any interest in you at all, or blow your cash on flowers that'll die in a week and a date that'll be forgotten in even less time, we've got the perfect solution for you: Onechanbara.
Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the XBOX 360, and Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers for the Wii system, are collectively a MUCH better way to spend your hard earned money this Valentine's Day.
Onechanbara is the ultimate evolution of the blood-splattering samurai action game. Take on the role of beautiful but deadly Aya or her little sister Saki, both of whom will need to put their legendary samurai skills to the test in order to battle legions of zombies terrorizing their city. Armed with only their swords and their beauty, these deadly sisters will stop at nothing to rid their home of the zombie threat. Every person they meet and enemy they battle gets them closer to understanding who or what is behind this zombie outbreak and putting an end to it. Babes, bikinis, zombies, blood and swords… who could ask for more!
Instead of trying to pick up some random chick, spend your time with these ladies...
Age: 21yrs. Old during X360 version
Body Height: 5 feet 6 inches (168 cm)
Measurements: Bust 34, Waist 23, Hip 35 (Much better dimensions than that chick you were checking out in the food court...)
Birthday: Feb. 14th
Aya is a beautiful female who is proficient in swordplay. Being a descendant of baneful blood, she takes advantage of the skill by making a living as an assassin. Saki, mastermind of the zombie case (occurred somewhere in Tokyo, is her half-blooded younger sister.
Rather than spend Valentine's Day lamenting Susie from that pretzel shop in the mall, spend Valentine's Day celebrating Aya's birthday! Think about it...She's got a perfect body, she's scantily clad, and she'll do exactly what you want her to do. She's completely responsive, unlike that b***h who didn't even notice you checking her out. She's hot, she's got a sword, she'll gut zombies...what more do you need?
Age: 16 yrs. old during X360 version
Body Height: 5 feet 2 inches (156cm)
Measurements: Bust 31, Waist 22, Hip 33
Birthday: Dec. 14th
Saki is a common student at first glance. However, she too is an assassin who takes on assassination lightly as though it were a part-time job. She also carries “baneful blood” as her half-blooded older sister Aya does. However, Saki is more affected by this blood. That may be why she is so violent, not knowing how to express her feelings. She has a tendency to lose control of herself and get very violent when she sees blood or sharp blades. In the Wii version, a new variation is added to the throwing attacks after grasping an enemy. The cruel Beat Dead Attack when she sheathes her sword is a must-see.
Check it out...you get to celebrate not one, but TWO hot girls' birthdays instead of V. Day. Unfortunately, Saki's not legal. Luckily for you, she's also not real, so as long as no one catches you...do what you will. And the "Beat Dead Attack" just sounds dirrrrrrrrtyyyyyyyy. I like it already.
Age: Around 28 for the X360 version
Body Height: 5 feet 6 inches (168cm)
Measurements: Unknown Birthday: Unknown
The official name is “Reiko No.9”. She is a belligerent clone out of the agency’s scientific capability. She is one of the 9 bodies cloned from Original Reiko who tries to unveil the secret of IMICHI as a biological server. They are called “Single Numbers” so as to be distinguished from mass-produced Reikos later. All operative Reikos in the world are cloned from Single Numbers. There are various types of cloning Reikos because they are customized for combats or data gathering etc. on genetic levels when they are cloned. All Reikos are linked by the spirit-sympathizing wave of Original Reiko. They share everything such as the five senses, the memories, and feelings with Original Reiko.
Mass produced hot women...sounds like a win to me. Think about it...the ability to clone as many subservient hot assassin chicks? Please...this is a no brainer...yet another of my fantasies has been fulfilled...
Age: Unknown – around 17?
Misery is the descendant of the same family who carries IMICHI like Aya and Saki. She joins hands with the agency that researches IMICHI, because they share a mutual interest. However, possessed, she secedes from the agency in order to grow power. She tries to beat Aya and Saki who carry IMICHI, but she is vanquished. Still she appears again in front of her rivals, Aya and Saki, due to the special and strong ability to regenerate her life.
Her name is MISEREY...and she just...won't...go...awayyyyy. This one reminds me of my last girlfriend. Yet another reason to avoid Valentine's Day, in my humble opinion...but at least I can shut this one up at will. Seriously, my ex had a special and strong ability to get on my nerves. I wish SHE had an off button...but I digress.
Nationality: American- 24 years old during X360 version
Birthday: September 8th
Body Height: 5 foot 7
Anna is part of the Zombie Police Force, “Z.P.F.” association. She is trying to take out the zombies that are infecting the city. She is on an individual assignment and is after the society.
A Zombie hunting, gun toting, ridiculously hot cop with dimensions like that? What more do we need? If this isn't the game of your dreams, I don't know what is.
Or...Instead of playing this game, you could get yourself some sandpaper, a sock, some petroleum jelly, and a copy of your "Salt Water Times" and spend Valentine's Day even more alone than usual.