04.04.07 From the Viking
SCENT OF AN ATHLETE
Written by Mike Samways
Derek Jeter and David Beckham have quite a few things in common. Both are ludicrously wealthy professional athletes, pop-icons, and they’re on top of so much pie they make pepperoni jealous. Of all the similarities, perhaps the most inconspicuous is that each sportsman has broken from the endorsement mold and released a signature men’s fragrance. Jeter’s Yankee flavoured scent goes by the name “Driven”, while Beckham chose to go with the understated simplicity of “Instinct”.
While athletes have an easy time shilling for equipment, apparel and sports drinks, the image of a sweaty jock just doesn’t seem conducive to a signature cologne. That being said, with the recent success of Jeter and Beckham’s respective products, it won’t be long before other athletes come up with their own trademark blends. Here now, is a sneak peak at the summer hottest new athlete fragrances.
“PAPI” By David Ortiz
THE FRAGRANCE- A pine-tarish blend of maple and ash is a big time mix of the following notes:
Top Notes: Cherry Skoal, Chimichonga, and fresh cut cilantro
Base Notes: Singed batting glove leather, dark spicy rum, and clam chowder
“Papi” is the frangrant interpretation of clutch. Slap on some Papi and not only will you be hitting balls out of the yard, but the Chiquitas will be clinging to you like undies after a wet nacho fart.
“CRAZY” By Ron Artest
THE FRAGRANCE- A delightfully insane blend of pure lunacy. If it wasn’t so damn strong at both ends of the floor, its erratic notes would surely be in a straight-jacket.
Top Notes: Cloudy Absinthe, aged human hair, and gummi bears
Base Notes: Grape Robitussin, cooked crystal meth, and rubber walls
“Crazy” isn’t the same “nuts in a bottle” that Lance Bass is looking for, but whether you’re attacking fans, attacking your wife, or forgetting to feed your pets, one spray of this Artest brew and you’ll soon see why the testers called it liquid Charlie Manson.
“YELLOW” By Moises Alou
THE FRAGRANCE-Ever smelt bottled piss?
Top Notes: Morning Pee
Base Notes: Pee after 6 Dominican Beers
“Yellow” is urine. Don’t be fooled, this cologne is made up of, and smells like 100% pure piss. Suggested use includes spraying it on your hands to prevent blisters while batting. Actually, we recommend that is its only use. If a rash develops, discontinue use. Do not get Yellow near eyes or mouth. If ingested, consult a physician. ** Fans of “Yellow” may be interested in the sequel, “Asparagus Yellow”, set for a Christmas release.
“LUMBER” By Chris Simon
THE FRANGRANCE- The unbridled ferocity of this cologne mixes headspinning wood tones with old-time hockey notes.
Top Notes: Stale Molson Canadian, Native Canadian sweetgrass, and cheap tobacco
Base Notes: Zamboni Fumes, splintered Sher-Wood, and a cleanly shorn beaver
“Lumber” will easily attract the ladies with its strong woody flavour, and thanks to this dizzying fragrance, now they can inhale the intoxicating scent of pine without the unfortunate side effects of a cross check to the brain.
“VERILITY” By Shawn Kemp
THE FRAGRANCE- A delicate cocktail of Vaseline and Baby Powder highlight the following notes.
Top Notes: KY Jelly, closet aged hightops, and chocolate covered pickles
Base Notes: Apple Pear Gerbers, Peppermint Schnapps, and stained hotel bed sheets
“Verility” not only helped the Reignman tear up the court, but also the bedroom. Most impressive of all, Kemp was responsible for fathering 7 children with a gaggle of different women. This dude even looks at a groupy and she’s up the duff. And now, at long last, the power and potency of Kemp’s fallopian fertilizer is available in a bottle.
“COOL OCTOBER” By Alex Rodriguez
THE FRAGRANCE- A fragile blend of hair gel and grape lip balm, with strong notes that will vanish under pressure.
Top Notes: Frosted tips, Jeter’s soiled cup, and Puerto Rican hookers
Base Notes: Papaya Hand Cream, golf course green clippings, and Hawaiin Tropic tanning oil
“Cool October” is an MVP calibre scent that delivers on all the goods. A five tool concoction that smells spectacular all night, until you need it most, then it quickly loses all effectiveness and fades away. No matter how much you slather on, Cool October never fails to disappear when the game, or a hot piece of ass is on the line.
Stay tuned later this year for more athlete colognes including:
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