Road House - Secretly a Brilliant Film

 

Are you rolling your eyes? I know, it's hard to take. The idea that you were enjoying Road House on some sort of non-ironic, legitimate level is just tough to handle. But I'm right. Ah, where do I begin? Well let's break Road House down to its most basic elements.

PATRICK SWAYZE
Road House is a late 80s action film starring Patrick Swayze as an NYU-trained-philosopher-turned-martial-artist-turned-bouncer-for-a-bar-in-rural-Missouri. If you're an idiot and you view Road House as a straight up 80s action flick, then, yes, it's preposterously bad from the premise-upwards. But no one in their right mind would cast Patrick "Dirty Dancing/Pussy-Being" Swayze in a serious action role. And if a producer was that stupid, he or she would probably refrain from making Swayze's character of the tai-chi practicing, larynx-ripping, ass-bearing variety. No... Roadhouse is not a bad serious action film. It is, in fact, a brilliant action farce.

AMAZING DIALOGUE
How many lines from Road House do you and your buds recite endlessly? "Pain don't hurt." Oohh, that's a good one. "A polar bear fell on me." Bwahaha! Oh, and of course, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Boooo Yah! These are the best three lines from the movie, but there are more nuggets. Oh, are there more. It's impossible to pay attention to the dialogue in Road House for more than five minutes without laughing. That's not the typical reaction to a straight action flick. It's the reaction an audience has to a comedy. Now, I know what you're thinking--Lukas, that's the point--the script was so bad that it became funny. But oh, no, it could not possibly be written with that intention. Oh, of course not! Of course a studio, investors and producers would waste millions of dollars and countless hours on a film they were certain was possibly one of the worst ever to be written. Yeah, that makes sense! That's a possibility! Or, maybe, the studio gave David Lee Henry's script a green-light because it was a brilliant and perfectly crafted farce second only to the screenplay for the classic comedy Airplane. Of course that idea isn't as fun though...because it makes you, the viewer, feel less smart. So you're not going to believe me just yet. Well, I've got more tricks up my sleeve, bitches.

LEGITIMATE CINEMATIC ENJOYMENT
Okay, so you still think Road House ranks up there with Speed 2, Howard the Duck and Gigli as one of the worst movies ever made. But how many times have you watched Roadhouse all the way through? At least once, I'm guessing. And if you're on DoubleViking.com, probably closer to five. Now let me ask you... how many times have you made it through Gigli? Oh... zero times? Of course... because even when watching it as a goof, Gigli is unbearable. That's because it's a purely terrible film. Same goes for Speed 2, Karate Kid 3, Howard the Duck, Battlefield Earth... these movies fucking suck. They FUCKING suck. That's not the case with Road House. Because Road House is legit. It's legitimately a great comedy film.

What?! You still don't believe me? Fine...

ZERO RAZZIE AWARDS
The Razzie award is the true mark of a truly awful film. Catwoman has one. Showgirls? Yup. Road House? No. It was NOMINATED... nominated for four Razzies actually... worst film of the year, worst director, worst actor (Swayze) and worst screenplay. This is because Road House is a highly misunderstood flick... hence the very existence of this article. But when push came to shove, Road House's brilliance shone through and it lost all its Razzie nominations to legitimately terrible films like Harlem Nights and Star Trek V.

There you have it. I've presented my case and if there's any justice Patrick Swayze and the entire cast and crew of Road House will receive some sort of retroactive Oscar nods for their work.

Now, sorry there. That joke made it seem like I'm not serious about this. But I am serious. I really do think Road House is an earnestly brilliant movie. Now, Road House 2? That sucks.