Real Men Love Robocop

The Angry, Black Police Comissioner

He’s angry, he’s black, and he’s a police commissioner. Enough said. He never tells Robocop that “you’re busting my balls” or “you’re off the case,” but for all intents and purposes Robocop’s police chief is just another hilarious action movie cliché. Except this time, he’s an action movie cliché…IN THE FUTURE.

Political satire

If there’s one thing Paul Verhoeven is know for, it’s making shitty-yet-entertaining movies. If there’s two things Paul Verhoeven is known for, it’s injecting political satire into said shitty movies, thereby making them much less shitty. While Robocop could have potentially been one of Verhoeven’s cheesier films (Starship Troopers notwithstanding), it somehow remains one of his most down-to-earth through its use of some really clever satire.

For instance, the entire police force has been contracted out to a private company (OCP), resulting in a huge increase in crime and horrible conditions for the cops themselves. The executives that run OCP have blood on their hands, both figuratively and literally. Hell, one of the board members is directly connected to members of the criminal underground.

And even though we all love Robocop for his ability to kick ass and take names, his existence is really rather dark and depressing: when OCP brings Alex Murphy back from the dead, they basically erase his individuality and force him to become a mindless killing machine. Say what you will about the bad guys Robocop kills, you have to admit that he doesn’t seem to have much respect for due process. “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me” is not something you want to hear from your local police officer’s lips.

The stop-motion ED-209

CGI is boring. It’s easy, it’s overused, and it looks really goddamn fake. Stop-motion, on the other hand, retains a certain charm: whether used to animate Wallace & Gromit, Gumby, or a malfunctioning, murderous mech, stop-motion just kicks ass. In the ED-209’s first scene, Dick Jones (who later turns out to be the main bad guy) is showing off his features to OCP’s executive board. He hands a gun to some poor schmuck and tells him to point it at the ED-209, which he does.

“Please put down your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply.”

The poor bastard drops the gun, but the malfunction ED-209 assumes he still has the gun. The poor sonofabitch runs around, confused, for the next fifteen seconds until…

He gets his shit wrecked by ED’s dual machine guns. Awesome.

Ultraviolence

As if the above two screenshots weren’t enough to convince you, Robocop is a pretty violent-ass movie. By today’s standards, it’s a bit tame (which old action movies aren’t?), but at the time of its release it was considered gratuitously violent. And you know what they say: the only thing better than tasteful violence is gratuitous violence. Watching Alex Murphy get blown apart by Boddicker’s gang is so painfully, awesomely violent that it should give you a man-boner just watching it.

Futuristic TV

In addition to its criticisms of corporate greed and societal decline, Robocop also has time to pick on television. In the future, it seems, everybody watches one of two shows: the news, which is more or less identical to FOX News in both style and subject, and some weirdass comedy show starring a middle-aged pervert. The unnamed character, mustachioed and bespectacled, laughs frequently and hysterically as he is surrounded by unrealistically attractive women. His catchphrase?  “I’d buy that for a dollar!” Not to mention the car commercial for the 6000 SUX. Evidently, the car gets 8.6 miles to the gallon. Sound familiar?

Murphy’s partner is a cutie

Lewis is totally doable, in an 80’s, quasi-lesbianish kind of way. Admit it. 

The One-Liners

Where would we be without these classic quotes?

“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”

“Your move, creep.”

“Murphy…I’m a mess…”

“BITCHES LEAVE!”

“Stay out of trouble.”

“Come quietly, or there will be trouble.”

If you’ve never wanted to take a bullet to the gut, remain standing, and reply, “Your move, creep,” you may want to check and make sure you don’t have a vagina hidden somewhere.

Theme song makes you wanna punch stuff

I couldn’t find a decent mp3 of it anywhere, but if you can’t remember the theme song then you need to re-watch the movie anyway. The song is triumphant and heroic and badass, and just hearing it makes me want to beat the nearest living thing to death with my bare hands. Then I shall stand atop its bloodied corpse, breathing heavily, and thrust my fist into the air. Robocop’s theme song is one of undeniable badassity.

It’s a smorgasbord of barely-recognizable D-list celebrities

Look at the guy on the right! It’s Miguel Ferrer, from Traffic and Twin Peaks! And on the left, it’s…that guy! From all those 80’s movies! You know what I’m talking about. Robocop’s plethora of D-list actors has only become notable in recent years, thanks to the success of That 70’s Show (Clarence Boddicker, the main gangster, is played by Kurtwood Smith, who played Red Foreman) and 24 (Peter Weller/Robocop was Christopher Henderson last year, and one of the gangsters played Jack Bauer’s brother this year). And for you fans of Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2, the guy who plays President Dugan (Ray Wise) is one of the last gangsters to survive.

He kicked the Terminator’s ass

INSTANT MUTATION

Near the end of the film, Boddicker’s gang corners Robocop and Lewis at a dilapidated factory. One of the gangsters (the one who would later play Jack Bauer’s brother) tries to drive an armored car into Robocop, who shoots the windshield a couple of times. He then dodges the car entirely by moving, like, three inches to his left. The gangster completely misses Robocop and plows into a large brown vat marked “TOXIC WASTE”, which then breaks open and seeps into the car.

Now, there are a few things you have to keep in mind at this point. Despite the fact that the plot concerns cybernetic crime fighters and a dystopian future, it’s maintained a relatively naturalistic tone. Even though characters are violently killed (or almost-killed, in Murphy’s case), they always die by gunfire or other acceptably realistic means.

Which makes it all the more hilarious when the gangster, drenched in toxic waste, exits his car about five seconds later as a FULL-BLOWN MUTANT.. His fingers have changed shape, his face is sliding off his skull, and he basically resembles a walking booger in every discernible way. In the future, apparently, toxic waste is not only poorly stored and managed, but extremely potent and quick-acting.

It’s simultaneously tragic and hilarious  to watch the mutant walk around and freak out his friends for a couple of minutes, but the real payoff comes when Boddicker turns a corner and fucking DECAPITATES the mutant as he rams him with his car.

Hells yes, bitch.

It’s fucking ROBOCOP, man

Seriously, does anything else have to be said? He’s part man, part robot. He’s indestructible. He has a goddamn holster inside his right leg, a burst-fire pistol the size of a forearm, a friggin six-inch long spike in his right hand (which can be used to interface with computers or stab criminals, depending on his mood), magnetic hands capable of crushing steel, the ability to see (and punch) through walls, and a complete inability to take shit from anyone. Watching the movie as a child, he was my goddamn hero. Watching it as an adult, nothing has changed.

I still wanna be Robocop.

And, by God, you should too.