Real Men Love Remo Williams

Fred Ward's mustache

Before Fred Ward's character (I can't remember his original name, but it really doesn't matter) becomes Remo Williams, he's just a regular New York cop... with an incredible mustache. As much as I like this movie, I think the only thing it truly needs is for Fred's mustache to stay with him throughout the film's duration. The only thing cooler than Fred Ward kicking the shit out of people with a fictional martial art would be Fred Ward kicking the shit out of people with a fictional martial art with the coolest mustache in the history of time.

Sadly, however, Remo gets his mustache shaved off shortly after the first scene, and we are left to simply wonder about those things that might have been. 

Wilford Brimley as the  commissioner

It's not everyday you get to take orders from the most famous sufferer of Diabeetus on the planet. Wilford Brimley only has a few scenes in Remo Williams, and they're not terribly funny or spectacular, they are noteworthy in that they have Wilford Fucking Brimley in them. While it takes a few moments to realize he isn't speaking on behalf of Liberty Medical, Wilford Brimley brings a straight-faced "I could kill your entire family with no expression whatsoever if I so desired, but I'd currently rather have a donut and watch the game" vibe that is so sorely missing from modern, mainstream film. 

Not unlike Fred Ward's mustache, Brimley is only in a few scenes... but by God, you remember him. 

Chiun dodges bullets

Every film has a moment, usually in the first act, where it informs the audience as to the rules of its universe. Who Framed Roger Rabbit opens with cartoons and humans hanging out: "okay," the viewer thinks. "Cartoons and humans live together in this world, so anything is possible within those given parameters." Without setting up the rules of your world, your audience will feel either lost or betrayed if your characters do something spectacular later on.

This is why we see Chiun the Master dodge an entire clip of bullets about twenty minutes into the film.

The scene is brilliantly set up: Remo is given a gun and told to kill Chiun, but refuses and tries to find a way out. Chiun attacks him anyway, and Remo (and the audience) watch in a mixture of disbelief and amazement as Chiun dodges every single shot Remo fires at him, before disarming him entirely and kicking him to the floor.

It's the first we see of the way-more-powerful-than-he-looks Chiun, and it's a great introduction. It also does a great job in informing the viewer that you are about to watch a film where old, white, American men dressed in Asian makeup can break the laws of physics.

That one chick from that one Star Trek show

I never watched Deep Space Nine or Voyager or whatever she was on, but I recognized her enough in Remo Williams to (A) yell "Hey, it's that chick" and (B) reflect that she was really goddamned cute back in the 80's. Cute in an uptight, science teacher sort of way, but pretty cute nonetheless.

Also -- and this is totally unrelated, but I found it interesting -- Star Trek Lady initially appears to be the romantic lead for Remo. We meet her very early, she's pretty, and she's a strong enough character on her own merits that it seems she can go toe-to-toe with Remo. That's what we assume will happen, anyway: in reality, she and Remo don't meet until the last fifteen minutes of the film, and they don't even come close to any sort of romantic interaction. In a movie full of faux-Asians and fictional martial arts, Remo Williams managed to subvert expectations even further with its total lack of a romantic subplot.

Remo's training

A good half the film focuses on Remo's martial arts training by Chiun. This is acceptable, because the training Chiun puts Remo through is so cool, and so over-the-top, that one can't help but be a little bored when Remo has to actually fight people.

Look at that screen cap. Looks like it was taken from the climactic moment of the final battle between Remo and the forces of evil, right?

Wrong. That's Remo just getting warmed up for fighting the baddies. Chiun not only makes him traverse an obstacle course made of household appliances and sharp implements, but also forces him to climb over a moving ferris wheel while Chiun himself sits safely inside.

If you've ever seen any old kung fu movies like The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, you probably know that watching a martial artist train to become a great fighter can be infinitely more entertaining than watching him actually fight people. Given how damned interesting and plentiful Remo Williams' training sequences are, I find it hard not to mentally separate the flick from the awesome chopsocky flicks of yore.

The comedy/action mixture

As was the case with all 80's cult classics and most Real Men Love movies, Remo Williams indulges in a spectacular blend of straight-faced action and ridiculous comedy. On the one hand, the viewer is asked to take Sinanju, a completely made-up martial art whose students can walk on water, seriously.

On the other hand, the main character gets his name from a bedpan, his knowledge from a white musical actor dressed as a Korean, and his training from Coney Island. The flick walks a delicate tightrope between absurdity and seriousness, keeping the viewer in a constant state of bemused satisfaction. When Chiun wins a ring-throwing game at the carnival and takes home a Pink Panther stuffed animal, it somehow doesn't feel weird -- even when he tells Remo, "Don't forget; I won this. You didn't. I get to keep it."

Then they both go home and watch soap operas.

God, I love this movie. 

"I reloaded."

In what may undoubtedly be the film's best scene, Chiun begins to train Remo on how to dodge bullets... without telling Remo. As Remo puts away some groceries, Chiun takes a revolver out of a drawer and shoots at Remo's back. Remo dodges, Chiun shoots again, Remo dodges again. After telling Remo that it's not a big deal to dodge only two bullets, he aims at Remo and fires one more time.

Click.

Remo, walking away and grinning: "You used the other four yesterday."

Suddenly, MOTHERFUCKING BLAM -- a bullet hits the wall mere inches away from Remo's head.

Smoke still rising from the revolver, Chiun says: "I reloaded."

If you only watch one scene to summarize the tone and content of the rest of the film, make it this one. 

The human glass cutter

Or, better yet, make it the scene where Remo escapes a glass-encased chamber filled with poison gas by using a henchman as a human glass cutter. One of the bad guys who's been chasing Remo for the majority of the film happens to have a diamond embedded in one of his teeth ("Who did your dental work," Remo asks. "Tiffany's?"). As Remo and Star Trek Chick slowly suffocate in gas-filled chamber, the henchman walks in wearing a gas mask and begins beating Remo up. This is a mistake, of course, as he is Remo Fucking Williams. 

Remo yanks the gas mask off, pushes the guy's face into the glass, and uses the diamond in his teeth to cut a huge "X" into the window. After dropping the henchman to the floor, he casually gouges his eye out, gets a running start, and dives through the weakened glass.

At the time, this all feels totally believable. 

Sexism and racism in less than twelve seconds

Remo and Star Trek Chick are finally together, and they meet up with Chiun. Star Trek Chick says something about needing to stop the government, and, for no reason whatsoever, Chiun speaks aloud the most awesomely sexist line in 80's movie history.

"Women should stay home and make babies. Preferably manchild."

Taken aback, Star Trek Chick makes a sarcastic comment to which Remo replies,

"He always talks like that. He's Korean."

So, women should only make babies and all Koreans (who, in this case, is actually a white guy made up in borderline-racist makeup which slants his eyes and yellows his skin) are sexists who speak funny? This movie is awesome. 

"Who are you?"

When you've got a character like Remo Williams matched up against a regular bad guy, it's pretty difficult to make the standoff noteworthy. Yeah, the main bad guy is an evil war profiteer, but he's not a martial artist: Remo could beat him in a fight without breaking a sweat. So, how do you make Remo's victory interesting?

With an explosion, preferably.

When Remo finally catches up to the bad guy and effortlessly dodges every bullet shot at him, the bad guy, for whatever reason, asks who he is. Remo tosses him over a crashed jeep and grunts, "I'm Remo Williams" as he walks away.

"Wait, that's it?," the audience thinks. "He says his own name and throws a guy a few feet? Come on."

As if reading the audience's mind, Remo grabs a random twig from the ground and begins to rub it with one hand. After no more than five seconds of continuous, effortless-looking rubbing, the stick sets fire. This is badass. Then, Remo throws the flaming stick at the car, which hits a gasoline leak and blows up the car as he emotionlessly walks away from the huge fireball. This is even more badass.

There's some other stuff where Chiun catches up to Remo by running on the surface of the water and calling himself better than incredible, but all you really need to know about Remo Williams is that the main character can set a stick on fire by rubbing it with one hand, and lives in the sort of universe where people are allowed to walk away from explosions without changing their expression.

It is, ultimately, kind of a bummer that Remo Williams was never picked up into the franchise it was meant to be: I would have loved to see Remo face off against a foe with powers equal to his own. Either way, though, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is a damn fine movie in its own right. Real Men Love it.