Real Men Love Return of the Living Dead

A bit of background 

After 1968’s Night of the Living Dead became something of a cult phenomenon, screenwriters George A. Romero and John A. Russo had a dispute over how to handle the inevitable sequels.  Eventually they agreed that Romero could use the word “Dead” to denote his sequels, and Russo could use “Living Dead” for his, while both series would be considered canon.  Nearly forty years later, Romero’s contributions are legendary, while Russo’s efforts remain a bit more obscure.  Specifically, Russo wrote a novel called The Return of the Living Dead, a straight sequel to Night which he had hoped to turn into a movie.  Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre) was picked to direct (though he later dropped out) while Alien screenwriter Dan O’Bannon adapted the novel in a more comedic tone so as not to be seen as stepping on Romero’s feet.  Russo went along with this, O’Bannon stepped up as director, and so history was made. 

BRAAAIIINS! 

Up until this point, most zombies would eat any old thing as long as it was part of a human body.  But Return introduced us to a more particular type of zombie, one that was only interested in devouring brain matter.  Consuming brains, one of the zombies tells the humans (that’s right, talking zombies!), alleviates the pain of being dead.  Zombie mythology would never be the same. 

Burt and (Nazi) Ernie 

Though reportedly unintentional on the part of the writers, two of the main heroes of the film are a mortician and a medical supply warehouse owner named Ernie and Burt, respectively.  Even better, Ernie appears to be a Nazi hiding in Kentucky, though this semblant fact never contributes anything to the plot.  This assumption is based on his name (Ernst Kaltenbrunner was a famous Nazi war criminal), his Walther handgun, his choice in music, and the portrait of Eva Braun hanging in his morgue. What could be better in an exploitation film than superfluous Nazis doing combat with a pack of brain-hungry zombies?   

Fuck You, Television Version 

You might notice that Freddy’s jacket says “Fuck You” on it.  In probably the best bit of censorship since “Yippee-ki-yay, Mellon Farmer,” the television version of this film featured a second jacket, specifically made for TV that read “Television Version.”  I actually think that would've been an even better joke for the theatrical version, but hindsight is 20/20. 

Fast Moving Zombies 

Fast zombies are a major point of contention amongst horror fans.  Some argue they are more exciting, other say they lack the suspense of the old-fashioned slow zombies.  Simon Pegg, co-creator of slow-moving zom-com Shaun of the Dead has been known to say, “Death isn’t an energy drink.  It’s a handicap.”  Whatever your preference, this was one of the first films to feature running undead, after the Italian horror film Nightmare City and perhaps some more obscure entries that we’re not aware of (debatably Vincent Price’s The Last Man on Earth).  One thing that can be said for fast zombies:  if they ever became a reality, we’d be so dead.   

The Punks 

Rather than pack the movie with the usual squares (college boys, cops, secretaries), most of the primary characters in Return are punks in full 1980s punk garb.  And they take themselves really seriously.  In the words of their leader, Suicide, “You think this is a fuckin’ costume?  This is a way of life!”  Their angst-ridden reflections reveal these little gems of dialogue: 

Chuck: Hey, Casey, do you like sex with death?  
Casey: Yeah, so fuck off and die.   

Spider: I try not too think about dying too much.  
Trash: Mm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me, and start biting and eating me alive. 

Sure enough, Trash... 

Trash’s Cemetary Strip Show 

One of the punks calls herself Trash and she’s naked for nearly the entire movie.  She starts out doing a dance on a tombstone while she’s still alive, but within practically no time at all she is bitten and killed by “a bunch of old men” and becomes something of the zombies’ naked lady leader.  Her character has become iconic of the whole film for obvious reasons. 

The Zombies Don’t Follow the “Rules” 

There’s sort of an understanding that the Romero zombie rules are universally correct, based on their popularity. In essence, Romero zombies are slow, unintelligent, reflex-spurred beasts who eat flesh and can only be killed by decapitation or by its brain being destroyed.  There’s a scene in Return in which Burt drives a pick-axe through the brain of a naked, bright yellow zombie.  The pick-axe goes straight through the skull and pins the yellow zombie to the floor, but he continues to struggle, seemingly unaffected.  The characters allude to Romero’s original film in the following dialogue: 

Burt: I thought you said that if we destroyed the brain, it would die.  
Frank: Well, it worked in the movie.  
Burt: Well, it ain't working now.  
Freddy: You mean the movie lied? 

Also, being bitten does not necessarily guarantee infection and death.  Though it certainly doesn’t help. 

Zombie Half-Dog 

When Frank and Freddy first accidentally release the deadly gas into the air, all of the dead bodies in the medical supply warehouse come back to life.  Among the undeparted:  pinned butterflies, the previously mentioned yellow man, and the cross-section of what seems to be a terrier. Note: The only thing funnier than a zombified half-dog is an old man screaming like a little girl and trying to kill it with a hammer. 

Juwanna Mann 

In this movie his character’s name is Spider, but no matter how many films Miguel A. Nunez, Jr. does, he will always be Juwanna Mann to me, and surely to many others.

“Send... More... Paramedics.” 

Zombies order takeout on the ambulance radio.  Further chaos ensues. 

The Tarman 

Though there are so many other zombies to love and laugh at, the Tarman is one of the cooler looking ones.  It clearly took more effort to make him than just about any of the other creatures.  No quick gray (or yellow) paint jobs.  This guy is dripping with black junk, has an exposed skull, and nothing beats the fluid way he moves and his amplified voice.  While he contributes some great stuff to the movie, his death scene is even more satisfying.  Aging cowboy actor Clu Gulager, playing Burt, winds up his bat and says, “I’m gonna knock his goddamn block off.”  AND THEN HE DOES. 

The Coldly Rational Ending 

Just when zombie Freddy is about to kill Tina, just when you think Burt’s team can’t hold them off much longer, the good ol’ U.S. Military saves the day... by nuking Louisville.  I haven’t seen the (reportedly dreadful) sequels, but I’m guessing this doesn’t completely solve the problem.  It does, however, wipe out all of the survivors who have been our protagonists throughout the movie.  Precious few comedies end with all of the protagonists being killed.  To that extent, we have to admire O’Bannon and Russo for not giving an unrealistically happy ending and instead going with the kind of ending expected of a horror film.  It gives a sort of legitimacy to the whole project. 

A Final Comparison With Romero 

One could argue that Romero’s films have more of a message, are more well-made, and will better stand the tests of time (especially Night and Dawn of the Dead) but O’Bannon manages to create a quality horror film with an abundance of humor that’s so clever it practically seems unintentional.  So if you feel burnt out on overly serious zombie thrillers, and you’ve seen Shaun of the Dead two hundred times already, give The Return of the Living Dead a watch.  You’ll never look at medical supply warehouses the same way again.