Real Men Love Big Trouble in Little China

Big Trouble in Little China has action, adventure, an inept hero, and the single greatest neon-outlined, ancient, Chinese fiberglass skull ever seen on screen.  The movie made a paltry $11 million at the box office, but make no mistake about this B-movie dressed up in big-budget clothes:  real men love Big Trouble in Little China.

Ninjas with Guns

Okay, maybe it’s a stretch to call them ninjas, but these Chinese martial artists don’t seem too inclined to let their fists do the talking.  Instead, they rely on semi-automatic weapons and a healthy bit of screaming in Chinese.  This is one aspect of the movie, however, that makes more sense when you put it in a real-world context.  Martial arts is great if it’s you against the playground bully for supremacy of the teeter-totter, but if it’s you against Vito the Assassin, your fists will ultimately only be effective in deflecting a bullet away from a vital organ.

Kurt Russell:  Action Star

As Jack Burton, Kurt Russell is the perfect blend of rugged cowboy, swarthy pirate and goofball gynecologist.  He isn’t the biggest, the toughest, or the most competent, but Russell’s Jack Burton is going to try really, really hard.  He’ll try so hard it’ll look like he’s attempting to get a gold star.  He’s been thrust into a completely untenable situation—ancient Chinese demons and gods are clashing in a battle that smells of finality—and he’s a galdamn truck driver who spends his time on the road refusing to let go of the “transmit” button on the CB.  He’s fighting demigods and ninjas, and all he’s got is a knife, his wits and, if he’s really lucky, a gun.

Victor Wong's Consummate Wise Asian Guy

Victor Wong’s Egg Shen fits the bill as the Wise Asian Guy for this particular movie.  Wise Asian Guys (WAGs) tend to show up all over the place in the ‘80s.  The Karate Kid, The Last Dragon, Remo Williams.  Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles.  In Big Trouble, Egg is cool, collected.  He opens the movie, answering questions concerning the battle that ended the movie.  After getting asked a particularly silly question about magic, he conjures the bit of lightning seen in the pic above.  Then he uses some WAG dialogue:  “See?  That was nothing.  But that's how it always begins--very small.”  No matter how many cool bits of dialogue he gets to say, however, the WAG’s sole purpose is to lead the (white) star to distinction and fame, though in reality the star doesn’t particularly deserve the fame since he had to stand on the shoulders of the WAG to get it.  Since this is the case, Egg Shen basically gets shit on.  He is a fucking sorcerer, but he doesn’t get to kill Lo Pan with magic.  No, it’s all Jack Burton and his stupid-ass knife.

Speaking of Knives...

Jack Burton is the type of hero who carries around a knife.  He’s Rambo, he’s MacGyver, he’s a knife man.  While this weapon is effective up close when you’ve got the drop on your enemy, knives are generally a poor substitute for a gun.  Yet, Jack is able to somehow overcome his enemies without too much difficulty.  Perhaps if those enemies had some sort of instruction...

Gratuitous Use of Wheelchairs

When Jack and Wang are captured by Lo Pan, their captors wheel them around in wheelchairs.  Why, you ask?  Because John Carpenter wanted to put the scene pictured above in the movie.  I honestly believe that John Carpenter structured the whole sequence so that he’d eventually be able to have Jack Burton rolling backwards down an incline and knocking over some evildoers, before having him run smack dab into a pit in a back room and nearly fall to his death.  The scene is amazingly contrived, but how can you not laugh at Kurt Russell knocking two ninjas out cold by accident?

"What's in the flask, Egg, magic potion?"

"Yeah."

"Thought so, good.  What do we do, drink it?"

"Yeah."

"Good, thought so."

This may be my favorite exchange in the movie.  The actors say the dialogue quickly, crisply, as though they’ve been studying each other well enough to know how each will respond.  Jack has changed from being skeptical about the very nature of the battle he’s engaged in to assuming that Egg’s carrying around a potion that will somehow help them in their quest.  Of course, immediately preceding this he’s seen two different types of non-humanoid, demon-like creatures, so we have to assume he’s hoping that the good guys have magic, too.

All the Hells Money Can Buy

This movie is full of Chinese hells.  I’m not sure if John Carpenter made them up, or if the Chinese really have all these amazing hells, but check out this list:  Hell of the Upside Down Sinners (pictured above); Hell of Burning Oil; Hell Where People are Skinned Alive; Hell of the Horny Dragons.  I, for one, would choose the Hell of the Horny Dragons.  Because I just want to be loved.  Dragons cuddle, right?

"Don't panic, it's only me, Gracie Law."

Ah, Kim Cattrall.  Before she made her fortune as an STD-riddled sex maniac, she played Gracie Law in what has to be the single worst performance by a love interest in a movie.  Maybe it’s the dialogue’s fault, since the above heading is an actual line from the movie.  Kim delivers it in her breathy, sexy way that ends up making her sound like she doesn’t remember what her name actually is.  Gracie Law is alternately annoying and more annoying, but at least she spends a quarter of the movie in a trance.

Demon Creatures

Since this is a John Carpenter movie, there have to be some special effects.  In Big Trouble in Little China, the special effects are limited to putting together creatures from parts of other creatures.  The top pic is a spider-angler fish combo, the middle is an ape-lion-hyena triumvirate, and the final picture is apparently a basketball with a bunch of fucking eyeballs glued to it.  The demons kind of sneak up on you in the movie, since they don’t make an appearance until it’s halfway over.  When they do arrive (excepting Spider-fish), they have distinct personalities and attitudes.  This is tough to do with characters that don’t speak, but somehow Carpenter pulls it off.

Homage to Martial Arts Films

When Wang and Jack enter Lo Pan’s headquarters, they pretend to be telephone repairmen, just like Bruce Lee did in The Chinese Connection.  In the fight scenes, all the action is stylized (unless Jack is fighting) in a way reminiscent of the old, schlocky martial arts movies of the 60s and 70s.  People fly through the air and swordfight, the camera watches a fighter’s feet just as they kick another in the back, the cuts come as quick as the fists, and Carpenter uses that style to pay homage to the predecessors.  Carpenter is using this method ironically, since the movie is a fantasy-action-sci fi-comedy, but in that irony is a definite undercurrent of respect for the works that came before him.

Jack Burton:  Hero

Jack’s got no luck.  He wins at dominos, but then his truck gets stolen.  He finds a gal he likes, but then she gets hypnotized by a fleshless demigod who attempts to marry her.  But Jack’s worst luck comes when he attempts to do something heroic.  While trying to escape from Lo Pan’s place the first time, Wang and Jack confront a gang of ninjas.  He gets off a few shots with his gun, but then it runs out of bullets.  He then endeavors to pull his knife from its sheath, and it goes flying across the room.  Meanwhile, Wang is kicking ass and taking names.  By the time Jack retrieves his knife, Wang has subdued the enemies.  Later, Jack shoots up in the air before going into battle.  The ceiling is low, and his shot dislodges concrete, which hits him on the head, knocking him to the ground, unconsious.  Actually, that wasn’t bad luck, it was utter stupidity.

The Proxy Battle

While the fight is raging, Egg and Lo Pan get into a crazy Proxy Battle where they use their own magic to create shadow fighters, who battle in what looks like a gay-friendly subdivision in Boca Raton.  Each of the magicians has a strained look on his face, but looking at their hands you realize that what they're doing is the equivalent of playing Mortal Kombat.  Lo Pan’s thumbs are mashing frantically at buttons while Egg saves his energy and only does what is necessary to fend him off.  Who knew that magicians loved Virtua Fighter 3?

Jack Burton Doesn't Take Shit From Anybody

All good things must come to an end, and once the battle is won Jack has to hit the road in his semi.  He starts to leave without much of a fuss, but as he does so the stupid-reporter-character-that-nobody-cares-about yells at him, “Aren’t you even going to kiss her goodbye?”  Jack looks at Gracie, then back at the stupid-reporter-etc., “Nope.”  Badass to the end.  Even after fighting demons and consorting with magicians, Jack only does things on his own terms.

Real men love Big Trouble in Little China.  It’s got action, comedy, fantasy, sci fi, a bit of a love story -- and it’s a big budget B-movie.  It’s a hodgepodge of genres that can only be fully appreciated on the third or fourth viewing.  Like all good B-movies, it takes a multiple times through before you start to appreciate how awesome it really is.