Real Men Love ALIENS

The Plot

After the events of Alien, Ellen Ripley and her cat, Jones, have been adrift in space for 57 years in cryo-sleep.  A salvage crew happens upon her ship and brings her back to a space station orbiting Earth, where she is awakened.  After a corporate “trial” for blowing up her ship, Ripley is approached by Burke, who convinces her she can still make a difference. 

Colonists on the planet LB-424 have lost contact with "The Company," and so the Colonial Space Marines are called in to assess the situation and determine the state of the colonists.  Because of rumors of xenomorphs, Ripley -- having previously dealt with the nasty little bastards -- is asked to join them as a consultant, .  

After an introduction to the Colonial Marine way of life, the mission is underway, and the group begins to explore the colony.  Apparently, there is only one survivor... a little girl called Newt.  Ripley assumes a motherly role to the child and swears to protect her with her life.  

But let’s face it:  Real Men could care less about that.  This movie has big guns, ass-kicking space marines, explosions and aliens that bleed acid.  What more do we really need?

Ripley

Sigourney Weaver. I don’t know about you guys, but to me, there’s absolutely nothing hot about her.  She’s built like a 10 year old boy, she's got a quasi-lesbian thing going on... and yet... she’s badass enough to terminate huge fucking aliens with extreme prejudice.  Even the Colonial (Space) Marines can’t handle this menace on their own.  This chick survives her entire crew being wiped off the map by ONE alien, and comes back to “consult” for the Colonial Marines.  And what happens?  The Marines get their asses kicked and Ripley comes to save the day.  Come on... if that doesn’t earn your respect, maybe the fact that she utters one of the most famous lines to boot will (more on that later).

Newt

“Af-firmative!” 

Ok.  Newt’s kind of a pain in the ass.  A lot of things probably wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for her, but then again, this little girl survived for months with flesh eating aliens roaming about, so you’ve gotta give her some credit.  Besides, with lines like, “They’re dead, all right, can I go now?!” and “They mostly come out at night... mostly,” she kind of grows on you.

Colonial Marines

Marines.  In.  Space.  How hardcore is the “Corps” when housed on an intergalactic space freighter that appears to be the size of Texas?  Moreover, you’ve got the angry black Master Sergeant Apone, complete with cigar, spouting lines such as, “C’mon, people, let’s move it... assholes and elbows!” and, “We gotta save some juicy colonists daughters from their virginity...”  You’ve gotta love blatant military disrespect of civilians. 

They're the most ragtag bunch of badass soldiers this side of Starship Troopers, complete with big and bigger guns (that practically need a fucking robot arm to be held!), and more quotable dialogue than you can shake a stick at.  Case in point, any exchange between Hudson and Vasquez (or, for that matter, between anyone and Vasquez):  

      HUDSON

                    Hey, Vasquez...you ever been

                    mistaken for a man?

                                   VASQUEZ

                    No.  Have you?

Or, my other personal favorite: 

      VASQUEZ

                    I only need to know one thing.

                                   RIPLEY

                    Yes?

                                   VASQUEZ

                    Where they are.

        Vasquez coolly points her finger, cocks her thumbs, and

        blows away an imaginary alien.

                                   DRAKE

                    Yo!  Vasquez.  Kick ass!

                                   VASQUEZ

                    Anytime.  Anywhere.

                                   HUDSON

                    Somebody said alien... she

                    thought they said illegal alien

                    and signed up.

                                   VASQUEZ

                    Fuck you.

                                   HUDSON

                    Anytime.  Anywhere. 

And Speaking of Vasquez...

1980’s hot.  Also had that quasi-lesbian thing going on, but if the sight of her doing pull-ups wasn’t pretty hot... well, she’d kick your ass if you said otherwise.

Subtle Reference to Terminator

Bishop, the android, is described as a “Cyberdyne Systems 120-A/2."  Cyberdyne, if you remember, was the corporation which, in the Terminator and Terminator 2, is responsible for the creation of the Terminators... all are James Cameron movies, thus the link. Still, nice touch... leave it to James Cameron to self reference...

And Speaking of Bishop...

Still one of the most badass examples of androids being cooler than humans.

Military Equipment of the Future

Hey, if I were a Space... er, Colonial Marine, I’d want to have gear like this:

The APC:

The Power Loader:

The Drop Ship:

The Sulaco:

The Aliens

Apart from the fact that H.R. Giger's design for the creatures is just plain freaky...

...they’ve got acid for blood, can run on walls, and have a secondary set of extendable mandibles, so even if you get a little distance it could still bite your fucking face off.  Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that they cocoon you...

...so they can impregnate you with their chest-bursting spawn.

And then there's that egg-laying Queen.

To quote a phrase from Predator, “You are one... ugly... muthafucker.”

Game over, man, GAME OVER!

One of the greatest scenes in the movie, the Colonial Marines have realized they need to quite simply get the fuck out of Dodge.  They call in their excursion team to pick them up, and just as the cavalry arrives, what happens?  There’s an alien on board and it kills both the copilot and the pilot (who’s still rocking aviator shades), causing the ship to crash into a billion pieces.  The Marines scatter for cover, and when the ship finally settles, Hudson delivers the line that has gone down in history...

Ripley Vs. The Queen

No words spoken.  No need for them.  Ripley and the Queen both understand that their “children” are at stake, and neither wants to back off.  So, what’s a pissed-off quasi-lesbian pseudo-mother to do?  She torches the whole fucking lot of ‘em and runs like hell.  

A phenomenally tense scene follows as Ripley and Newt make their escape with the automated announcement in the background reminding them that they have fifteen minutes to reach minimum safe distance (which, by the way, is off the fucking planet).  After one of the most intense and harrowing (and satisfying) escape sequences, we learn that it ain’t quite over...

(Spoiler Alert:  If there’s anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen this yet, for god’s sake, go rent it instead of watching this...)

And let’s not forget the greatest line uttered by Ripley in the whole movie… 

“Get away from her YOU BITCH!!!”