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Raising The Bar: The Worst Bars In America, Part 1
There are a lot of awful bars in America. Here is one of them. This is the first part in a many part series. If you have a suggestion for the worst bar series, please email them to me at lukaskaiser AT gmail.com. Booya.
New York is a huge city. It's got a lot of great shit in it... like awesome food, hilarious weirdos on the subway and giant monster Rat Kings.
Since it's so big, it's inevitable that it's also got a lot of shitty shit in it... like pretentious, self serious richie riches and their fugly whore girlfriends. These cock faced anus ninjas and their disease-ridden prostitutes are a plague on NYC. They are beastly killer bee-like creatures who have descended to New York from their hives of Jersey and LA (and any "scenester" enclave in-between) and they descend upon good, valuable, fun parts of town and transform them into puss-filled sores that infect women and children with scary diseases.
They also open annoying, shitty bars. The Delancey is one of these bars. Yick.
The Delancey's main problem is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. It's a three storied space with a velvet rope and bouncer standing outside the front door, so at first you think, ah, it's a club. But the three floors are all pretty small, there's no dance music playing and it's almost always empty. So it's not a club. It's just a shitty bar that has the fucking balls to charge a cover.
The identity crisis doesn't end there. The place is, like I said, pretty small. It's an average sized New York bar, with a counter and a few benches scattered around. But for some reason, they take reservations. So if you wander into the completely empty space on, say, Saturday at around 10 PM, don't expect to be able to sit down... the four benches and the entire upstairs and downstairs are "reserved." For whom? What loser is reserving a bench in a douchey bar that's next to a McDonalds and two blocks from a somewhat sketchy hispanic housing project?
If you decide you're okay with standing and enter the bar anyways, you're still going to be greeted with fantastic annoyances. For one, when you ask "What's on tap?" be prepared to be answered with an eye roll. There IS nothing on tap. Great. And, since there are no beer or drink menus around, when you inevitably ask "What beers DO you have?" expect more attitude. When I was there last, the hag demon weasel bar tendress simply POINTED at the bottles of beer behind her when I asked that. Bitch, that's like 20 feet away from me and your "mood lighting" is set on "midnight." So I had to put her in her "you work in one of the worst bars in America" place: "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to read off the entire list of drinks for me. Thanks."
She rattled off a list of domestic crap that any college bar would have and I stopped her when she got to Red Stripe, the BEST beer in their selection (psshaw). "I'll have a Red Stripe, thanks."
"That'll be six fifty." You whore. I better get a hand job with that.
Thanks to the bars vicious combination of an identity crisis, no beers on tap and a staff with both severe attitude problems and severe mental retardation, The Delancey finds its way onto our list of the WORST BARS IN AMERICA!
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jibson
03/07/2008 16:18
wtf is that rat kings thing?
Whale
03/07/2008 16:23
I hate people like that bartender chick, you work for tips ! you should be happy to see me and be pleasant at the least
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:23
"cock faced anus ninjas" You paint quite the picture Lukas.
I'm gonna be using that phrase all day at work. I hate it when you ask "what kind of beer do you have" at a bar and they give you attitude and point to some beer bottles, hiding in the shadows where there is no light.
Also If a bar is next to McDonalds, it automatically sucks Ronald McDonald's tube steak.
I'm gonna be using that phrase all day at work. I hate it when you ask "what kind of beer do you have" at a bar and they give you attitude and point to some beer bottles, hiding in the shadows where there is no light.
Also If a bar is next to McDonalds, it automatically sucks Ronald McDonald's tube steak.
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:24
It also sucks Uwe Bolls
Lukas
03/07/2008 16:26
look it up, jibson...
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:27
cock faced anus ninjas < Lol
jibson
03/07/2008 16:29
the evil one out of teenage mutant ninja turtles, i'm with you lukas
joe
03/07/2008 16:30
A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:30
"That'll be six fifty." You whore. I better get a hand job with that.
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:30
i know what thats like
joe
03/07/2008 16:31
sorry i've decided all my comments for the rest of the day will contain jokes
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:31
So whats the most any one here has payed for a beer?
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:32
Rat kings are when a bunch of rats become intertwined at their tails, which become stuck together with blood, dirt, and excrement. NY is infamous for its rat population.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_king
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_king
jibson
03/07/2008 16:33
around $15
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:33
for me it was $8.50 for a can of Corona on the beach, luckily it was on my friend's dad's tab but all the same (and also Corona, blah, only bc it was the beach)
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:33
At Six Flags I paid I think $12 for a 24 ounce of some Hefenweizen.
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:33
GEEZE why so much?
jibson
03/07/2008 16:33
thank you oscar, you are most informative
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:34
jibson, where did you have to pay that much?
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:34
well i mean i guess ive payed a lot for some high quallity import beers, so let me reword my question...
jibson
03/07/2008 16:34
well that's only due to the exchange rate, in england it aint that bad, and it was some awesome belgian stuff
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:35
Whats the most u have ever over-payed for a cheap/common beer?
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:35
still $15, how much beer'd u get (metric system is fine by me)
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:37
$5 for a Heineken at some crappy "club" Hey let's have a DJ setup and play the local hip-hop station really loud! That too sucked Ronald McDonald's Tube Steak, and Me Bolls.
jibson
03/07/2008 16:37
a two pint bottle, i was at a beer festival
Mark
03/07/2008 16:37
LOL Albany has a ton of them Lukas.....ill get on a review of "Bogies" ASAP
jibson
03/07/2008 16:38
also in britain 28% is straight beer tax, and then another 17% is VAT so you're buggared before you even start
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:38
after that it was $7.50 for a bottle of Miller Lite (yuck again) at some club down in Pittsburgh cuz i ordered it before they told me how much it was, needless to say it was the last beer i had that night
jibson
03/07/2008 16:39
and in britain most beers are around £3, $6
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:39
damn, remind me never to drink in england
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:40
hey jib, on ur keyboard is there a £ key like we have a $ key? cuz i have never seen a £ on a keyboard
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:40
is that a country thing?
jibson
03/07/2008 16:40
it wasn't so bad until your economy died, now all the americans moan about the exchange rate when they're here
jibson
03/07/2008 16:41
it's anove the 3, dollar is 4
jibson
03/07/2008 16:41
*above
Oscar
03/07/2008 16:43
I swear I drank a Miller Lite 32 ouncer once and didn't get a buzz. I had been drinking already and didn't notice an increase in my buzz.
Lukas
03/07/2008 16:44
there's a place i go to that has a pretty large bottle of st. peters (i think that's the name) that's like 9 bucks. clubs and concerts charge more, but that's the most i've paid at a bar/restaurant
Lukas
03/07/2008 16:45
and mark and anyone else who's run into a shitty bar, all you have to do is notify me of the bar and it's shitty points and i'll do the rest
jibson
03/07/2008 16:47
do you do fieldwork lukas?
joe
03/07/2008 16:49
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
joe
03/07/2008 16:50
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
joe
03/07/2008 16:50
new goal, try to get most of them to 100 for the day
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
joe
03/07/2008 16:51
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:51
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name
joe
03/07/2008 16:51
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
joe
03/07/2008 16:51
Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
joe
03/07/2008 16:51
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
joe
03/07/2008 16:52
Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end.
joe
03/07/2008 16:52
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:52
well its about time for me to hit the old dust trail...
MacGyver
03/07/2008 16:52
Mac out..
joe
03/07/2008 16:52
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."
joe
03/07/2008 16:53
peace mac
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
joe
03/07/2008 16:53
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
joe
03/07/2008 16:54
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
joe
03/07/2008 16:54
A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?"
joe
03/07/2008 16:54
A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."
joe
03/07/2008 16:55
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
joe
03/07/2008 16:55
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"
joe
03/07/2008 16:55
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
joe
03/07/2008 16:55
This guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner (at a buffet of course). They then go back to her apartment, sit down on the couch, and start smooching. Suddenly he leaves a big fart. Not wanting to embarrass him, his girlfriend says, "Fido, get out from under this sofa". They go back to their smooching, and a while later he leaves another loud fart. Once again she says louder, "Fido get out from under this sofa." As they get back into the throws of passion, yet again he blasts another fart, and his girlfriend says, " Fido get out from under this sofa - before he shits all over you."
joe
03/07/2008 16:56
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
joe
03/07/2008 16:56
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.
joe
03/07/2008 16:57
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
joe
03/07/2008 16:57
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.
When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
joe
03/07/2008 16:57
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"
joe
03/07/2008 16:58
A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."
joe
03/07/2008 16:58
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
joe
03/07/2008 16:58
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
joe
03/07/2008 16:59
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
joe
03/07/2008 16:59
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
joe
03/07/2008 16:59
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
joe
03/07/2008 17:00
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
joe
03/07/2008 17:01
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
joe
03/07/2008 17:01
There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
joe
03/07/2008 17:01
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
joe
03/07/2008 17:02
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
joe
03/07/2008 17:02
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped he
joe
03/07/2008 17:02
r*
joe
03/07/2008 17:03
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
joe
03/07/2008 17:03
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
joe
03/07/2008 17:03
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Lukas
03/07/2008 17:05
jibson, i will do fieldwork if i can.
Whale
03/07/2008 17:07
I payed something like $15 for a yard o beer (really not that much beer) but it was at Curly's Pub inside Lambeau, so really not as bad as it seems.
Lukas
03/07/2008 17:11
that's not bad, i paid the same at a bowling alley recently. whale, i forget, you're from wisco?
Whale
03/07/2008 21:35
Yup Green Bay actually
Moncho
03/08/2008 01:57
We went to check out this new bar I had seen and even though I did the first stage of check with one of the gay guys from the office, i didnt researched enough and it turned out to be a gay bar. Not raging gay as in groups of naked men dancing to Its Raining Men but you could see it was gay friendly. Well tonight was a bust, we went to our usual bar, and they had a concert so we had to pay to listen to music we dont know about and, now I am home with just a six pack in me. Tomorrow, I go to a club for this friend and she will have a bunch of chicks with her and that will hopefully be a better night.
Whale
03/08/2008 12:41
Agreed tonight should be much better. Last night was good besides the fuck stick who puked and i had to clean it up, the night was going so well too.
Whale
03/08/2008 12:44
Ive never smelt worse puke, normally bar puke is almost all alcohol... no this guy smelt like he had just gotten out of an indian food restaurant in hell.
Whale
03/08/2008 12:47
But tonight the bar tease girl from last weekend is going to be out so it should be a good night
steve
03/08/2008 13:41
There are no bad bars, if they have booze and beers then it's a good bar.
I go to bars to get fucked up, I don't give a fuck about all that other shit.
Whats the deal with all the jokes, I think joe has the wrong site.
You fuckers should check out a couple of other booze sites.
TastyBooze.com and ModernDrunkardMagazine.com they are both cool sites.
PEACE BRO'S
I go to bars to get fucked up, I don't give a fuck about all that other shit.
Whats the deal with all the jokes, I think joe has the wrong site.
You fuckers should check out a couple of other booze sites.
TastyBooze.com and ModernDrunkardMagazine.com they are both cool sites.
PEACE BRO'S
Whale
03/08/2008 13:55
im not sure if steve is a spammer or just that into drinking... there ARE bar bars, places that have horrible service, exorbitant prices, nothing but bad music etc
Whale
03/08/2008 13:55
bad bars*
Whale
03/08/2008 13:59
Its like saying you went to a bad Mc Donalds, yeah they all serve the same food, but its all the other little things that go into it that decide which one you end up going to (east side, west side, uptown, downtown, etc)
Moncho
03/09/2008 04:53
Fuck you Cora and your dating too.
The Hitman
03/09/2008 10:02
Well, while I was down in South Beach Miami I got suckered into checking out this bar/club called "Red Light District"....with a name like that you'd expect a certain level of debauchery...but NOOOOOOOOOOO...these fuckers charged 8 bucks for the smallest rum and coke i've ever seen, and the girls were wanna be strippers, but without stripping...wtf???? Avoid it at all costs...
Whale
03/09/2008 12:33
if cora were a dog she'd be a cocker-spam-ial
The Hitman
03/09/2008 14:13
or a german spamherd.
The Hitman
03/09/2008 14:14
or a SHITzu....
Matty
03/09/2008 14:17
12.50 for an 18oz bud light at Foo Fighters last sunday. thank god for the 12 pack in my car..
The Hitman
03/09/2008 14:24
way to plan ahead, matty...
Lukas
03/09/2008 17:44
tallmingle IS the hot spot though
Scopi
03/10/2008 09:51
Steve go to hell
Lukas
03/10/2008 12:04
i'm shocked no one from this bar has seen this... guys, help me out here... let's make sure someone from delancey reads this and gets pissed off =)
MacGyver
03/10/2008 20:34
If i knew ne one for there thatd be my goal.... just find an email address for the manager or owner and tell them their bar has been reviewed on DoubleViking.com!!!
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